Portland Economy Tanks
Drug dealers all across the city of Portland have declared bankruptcy. Demand for illegal drugs has fallen and drug prices have dropped 50% over the past few weeks. Retailers of potato chips are also reporting slower sales.
When asked to comment on the local crises, Larry (no last name given) responded with "Man. This blows. I mean, uh, we got a lot of pot-heads in Portland, but I guess nobody really knew how much Bonzi and Rasheed smoked, man."
Lawrence Frank Declines New Contract
Today New Jersey Nets coach Lawrence Frank turned down a new contract offer. Frank stated that he was happy with previous contract and despite his overwhelming success will not seek a new one.
"I made a deal and I'm going to stick with it," declared Frank.
Satan has refused to comment on the situation but Johnnie Cochran, his lawyer, indicated that Satan may have given him too much in return for Frank's eternal soul.
Cochran stated, "Staying in the Dick Vitale chamber for the rest of eternity suddenly doesn't seem like enough. Satan is worried that Frank might actually enjoy that particular level of hell. We want a little more value for more than upholding our end of the bargain. We were thinking that maybe we'd transfer him to the Dungeon of WNBA highlights instead. Now let's move on to this Hubert Davis situation..."
Bobcats Are Ready
Charlotte GM Bernie Bickerstaff reported in his NBA.com blog this week that the Charlotte Bobcats are ready for NBA action: "Even without players I think we're at least a 5th seed in the Eastern Conference."
Chris Bosh Is Most Popular Rookie
After the NBA All-Star Weekend's Rookie Challenge the players on the Rookie team voted Chris Bosh their most popular teammate. Bosh accepted the honour in stride but didn't make too big a deal of it.
"So I brought a keg of Moosehead down from Toronto, big deal. Anybody who can legally buy beer is pretty popular around these guys," said Bosh.
Ticket Sales Down In Atlanta
Once thought impossible the Atlanta Hawks have actually being selling less tickets than ever. At their current declining pace the Hawks expect to have a negative attendance figure for the March 27th game against the Chicago Bulls.
"Right now we're guessing we'll have about negative six people for the Bulls game, yes," confirmed Director of Seating Sales Tim Stolz.
Atlanta's sales staff can't quite put their finger on the attendance problem. Stolz explained, "Most prospective fans are telling our ticket agents that they are using their money on cap space to spend next year. That just doesn't make any sense."
Next Two-Sport Star... T-Mac
Several NFL general managers have contacted Tracy McGrady about a possible tryout this summer. Thought to be leading the pack were the Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots who are looking to upgrade at the punter position.
Knicks Master Plan Revealed: Tread Water
New York Knicks GM Isiah Thomas is closing in on his goal of getting the New York Knicks into the playoffs this year despite a 15-21 start to the season. Half of the Knicks roster has been re-made since January 5th and the head coach is now Lenny Wilkens. The Knicks now sit at a stellar 26-32 and in 6th place in the Eastern conference. But the roster and coaching changes were only part of Thomas's plan.
The other plot, unseen to the casual basketball fan, was to not totally ****-up while the other teams in the East imploded all around them. First Boston Celtics coach Jim O'Brien quit and then the injury-bug bit the Toronto Raptors. Thomas's plans even extended before he became the Knicks GM as the 76ers banked on getting quality defence from Glenn Robinson and anything from Derrick Coleman. The final piece of Thomas's diabolical plot was to trade Keith Van Horn to the Bucks. With that trade the Bucks went from a team of hungry overachievers to a team wondering just how pasty one man can be.
"****, it's almost like I know what I'm doing," Thomas commented.
Drug dealers all across the city of Portland have declared bankruptcy. Demand for illegal drugs has fallen and drug prices have dropped 50% over the past few weeks. Retailers of potato chips are also reporting slower sales.
When asked to comment on the local crises, Larry (no last name given) responded with "Man. This blows. I mean, uh, we got a lot of pot-heads in Portland, but I guess nobody really knew how much Bonzi and Rasheed smoked, man."
Lawrence Frank Declines New Contract
Today New Jersey Nets coach Lawrence Frank turned down a new contract offer. Frank stated that he was happy with previous contract and despite his overwhelming success will not seek a new one.
"I made a deal and I'm going to stick with it," declared Frank.
Satan has refused to comment on the situation but Johnnie Cochran, his lawyer, indicated that Satan may have given him too much in return for Frank's eternal soul.
Cochran stated, "Staying in the Dick Vitale chamber for the rest of eternity suddenly doesn't seem like enough. Satan is worried that Frank might actually enjoy that particular level of hell. We want a little more value for more than upholding our end of the bargain. We were thinking that maybe we'd transfer him to the Dungeon of WNBA highlights instead. Now let's move on to this Hubert Davis situation..."
Bobcats Are Ready
Charlotte GM Bernie Bickerstaff reported in his NBA.com blog this week that the Charlotte Bobcats are ready for NBA action: "Even without players I think we're at least a 5th seed in the Eastern Conference."
Chris Bosh Is Most Popular Rookie
After the NBA All-Star Weekend's Rookie Challenge the players on the Rookie team voted Chris Bosh their most popular teammate. Bosh accepted the honour in stride but didn't make too big a deal of it.
"So I brought a keg of Moosehead down from Toronto, big deal. Anybody who can legally buy beer is pretty popular around these guys," said Bosh.
Ticket Sales Down In Atlanta
Once thought impossible the Atlanta Hawks have actually being selling less tickets than ever. At their current declining pace the Hawks expect to have a negative attendance figure for the March 27th game against the Chicago Bulls.
"Right now we're guessing we'll have about negative six people for the Bulls game, yes," confirmed Director of Seating Sales Tim Stolz.
Atlanta's sales staff can't quite put their finger on the attendance problem. Stolz explained, "Most prospective fans are telling our ticket agents that they are using their money on cap space to spend next year. That just doesn't make any sense."
Next Two-Sport Star... T-Mac
Several NFL general managers have contacted Tracy McGrady about a possible tryout this summer. Thought to be leading the pack were the Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots who are looking to upgrade at the punter position.
Knicks Master Plan Revealed: Tread Water
New York Knicks GM Isiah Thomas is closing in on his goal of getting the New York Knicks into the playoffs this year despite a 15-21 start to the season. Half of the Knicks roster has been re-made since January 5th and the head coach is now Lenny Wilkens. The Knicks now sit at a stellar 26-32 and in 6th place in the Eastern conference. But the roster and coaching changes were only part of Thomas's plan.
The other plot, unseen to the casual basketball fan, was to not totally ****-up while the other teams in the East imploded all around them. First Boston Celtics coach Jim O'Brien quit and then the injury-bug bit the Toronto Raptors. Thomas's plans even extended before he became the Knicks GM as the 76ers banked on getting quality defence from Glenn Robinson and anything from Derrick Coleman. The final piece of Thomas's diabolical plot was to trade Keith Van Horn to the Bucks. With that trade the Bucks went from a team of hungry overachievers to a team wondering just how pasty one man can be.
"****, it's almost like I know what I'm doing," Thomas commented.