on the digest
Liked the Pacers a lot..
But Uncle Buck
from the digest
Uncle Buck hated the Pacers!
The entire NBA season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one
quite knows the reason.
It could be that the defensive scheme’s weren’t quite right.
It could be that his butt cheeks were squeezing to tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all is that because
he had allowed his Pacers heart to become two sizes two small.
Whatever the reason,
His heart or his @ss
He stood there on Eve of the playoffs, hating the fans,
Staring down from his cave with sour, Buck like frown
at the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every fan down on the digest beneath
was busy now, hanging gold & blue wreaths.
“And they’re cheering Croshere!” he snarled with a sneer.
“Tomorrow’s the Playoffs! They’re practically here!”
Then he growled, with his Buck like fingers nervously drumming,
“I must find a way to keep the playoffs from coming!”
For, tomorrow, he knew...
All the Pacer Gurls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They’d cheer and make noise
Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing he hated was the Noise! Noise! Noise!
Then the fans, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they’d feast! And they’d feast!
And they’d FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would enjoy the kings pizza to begin the feast
Which was something that Buck couldn’t stand in the least!
They’d do something he liked least of all!
Every fan down on the digest, the tall and the small
Would gather on the circle near the downtown mall.
Fans would stand close together, with playoff banners screaming
They’d stand hand-in-hand. And the fans would start singing!
They’d sing! And they’d sing!
And they’d SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more that Buck thought of the fans-playoff-sing
The more Uncle Buck thought, “I must stop this whole thing!”
“Why for 23 years I’ve put up with it now!
I MUST stop the playoffs from coming!
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
GOT A WONDERFULL, AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” Uncle Buck laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Pacers fan hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great Buck like trick!”
“With this coat and this hat, I’ll look just like one of those Pr!cks!”
“All I need is a clown”
Uncle Buck looked around.
But since clowns are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop Uncle Buck?
“No!” Buck simply said,
“If I can’t find a clown, I’ll make one instead!”
So he called his dog Kegboy. Then he took some blue & gold thread
And he tied a small boomer doll to the top of his head.
He loaded some banners
And some blank empty tapes
And he tied old kegboy to the front of his sleigh
Then Uncle Buck said, “Giddyap!”
And the sleigh started down
Towards the homes where the fans
Lay a-snooze in their town.
All of their windows were dark. Peace filled the air.
All of the fans were dreaming sweet dreams without a care
When he came to the first house in the square.
“This is stop number one,” Uncle Buck hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty banner in fist.
Then he slid down the chimney, without getting stuck.
Hey if Santa can do it, so can Uncle Buck.
He got stuck only once for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where little fan banners all hung in a row.
“These banners,” he grinned, “are the first thing to go”
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Jerseys! And ball caps! Cozies! Reveresable hats!
Bowser dolls! T-shirts! And even gold & blue cats!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then Uncle Buck very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the frig. He took the fans feast!
He took the Pizza made by the King!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why Uncle Buck even took some fans secret stash!
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney which made him glad
“And now!” grinned Uncle Buck, “I will stuff up their blue & gold flag”!
And then Uncle Buck grabbed the flag, and started to shove
When he heard a small sound like a coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small fan!
Little Hicks fan stood staring all alone at the flag.
Uncle Buck had been caught by this little fan
Who was on his way back to bed after using the can
He stared at Uncle Buck and said, “Great fan, why,
“Why are you taking the pacers flag? WHY?”
But, you know, that Uncle Buck was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
“Why, sweet little tot,” the fake fan lied,
“There’s a thread loose on a seam on just one side.
“So I’m taking it home to my workshop, don’t fear.
“I’ll fix it up there. Then I’ll bring it back here.”
And his fib fooled the little fan. Then he patted his head
And then Uncle Buck sent Hicks back to bed without seeing his bag
Then Buck looked up the Chimney and threw up the flag
Then the last thing, he took
Was the log for their fire.
Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.
And the one speck of food
That he left in the house
Was a crumb for shade but he was to soused.
He did the same thing
To the other fans houses
Much too small
For some fans spouses!
It was a quarter past dawn…
All the fans, still a-bed
All the fans, still a-snooze
When he packed up his sled,
Packed up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the Tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount post-front-it,
He rode to the tiptop to dump it!
“F U to the fans!” he was Buckishly humming.
“They’re finding out now that the playoffs are not coming!”
“They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!
“They’re mouths will hang open a minute or two
“Then all of the fans down on the digest will cry BOO-HOO!”
“That’s a noise,” grinned Uncle Buck,
“That I simply must hear!”
So he paused. And Uncle Buck put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow…
But the sound wasn’t sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so!
But it was merry! VERY!
He stared down at the digest!
Uncle Buck popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every fan down on the digest, the tall and the small,
Was singing Boom Baby! Without presents at all.
He HADN’T stopped the playoffs from coming!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
It came with motion offense ! It came without Flags!
It came while even the great Artest had packed his bags!
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
And then Uncle Buck thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe the Playoffs” he thought “don’t come by following a mad hater”
“Maybe……. Just maybe…… Character matters!”
And what happened then?
Well on the digest they say
That Uncle Bucks small Pacer heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his butt didn’t feel so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the banners! And the food for the feast
Uncle Buck hated Pizza King the least!!!
My deepest apologies to Theodore Geisel (Dr. Seuss)