var yuipath = 'clientscript/yui';
var yuicombopath = '';
var remoteyui = false;
else // Load Rest of YUI remotely (where possible)
var yuipath = 'http://yui.yahooapis.com/2.9.0/build';
var yuicombopath = 'http://yui.yahooapis.com/combo';
var remoteyui = true;
Bball "Mr Stern, can you tell us what you've learned from the events in Aurborn Hills?"
David Stern "Nothing I didn't already know. The Pacers never should've been allowed into the NBA."
Bball "And why do you say that?"
DS "Isn't it obvious? Cornfields... race cars... HOOSIERS!???"
Bball "I'm not sure I follow"
DS "The NBA isn't about that type of thing. We're about flash and quickness. Hollywood. Stars. Sportscenter"
Bball "Style over substance?"
Bball "What about the game itself?"
DS "You mean the shell game we play to keep fans interested?"
Bball "No, the game of basketball"
DS "Let's not get carried away. The NBA isn't about basketball. It's not like basketball is the league's middle name! Uhhhh... strike that..."
Bball "Did you say 'strike'?"
DS "Let's not go there"
Bball "So then this isn't really about the game of basketball?"
DS "No, this is about entertainment. Fans want to be entertained. We set out to do just that. We want the brightest stars in the biggest lights and that is what our fans want to see. We don't need to see farmers chewing on blades of grass rooting on the Hickory Huskers. We want Spike Lee and Jack Nicholson. Movie stars!"
Bball "But doesn't that go against the whole point of the game?"
DS "Who cares?"
Bball "Let's move on to 'The Incident"... Talk about the suspensions"
DS "Indiana should not have a basketball team. Period. I've worked hard to keep Indiana down but they are like that gopher game where you have to use a hammer when the damned thing keeps poking its head back up. This time I used a bigger hammer... in fact... You could say I used dynamite"
Bball "So Pacer basketball bothers you?"
DS "Very much so. Look at what it has led the league to. Spreewell... Maxwell... none of that happens if not for the Pacers"
Bball "How so?"
DS "Because saying it allows me to come down harder on the Pacers! (laughs). The Pacers finally gave me the excuse I've been looking for. Hopefully, this suspension business will hurt them enough that the Simons just want out of this business"
Bball "So you want to hurt the Simons?"
DS "Why do you think we made an exception and allowed Isiah Thomas to be hired as a coach even with his CBA obligations? That plan would've worked too if not for that blasted Bird!"
Bball "But now Isiah is in New York....???"
DS "Well, you can lead a horse to water.... Or you can fold the corner of a lottery pick but you can't do everything for them"
Bball "What about Artest?"
DS "Artest gives me something that the league sorley needed... Free publicity and a whipping boy. He's a perfect way to show the world I mean business. It also helps that he is on that dreadful Pacer team. He can help me take them down and nobody will have a problem with it. Who'll defend Artest? Pacer fans, that's who. Big deal."
Bball "I'd hardly call the Pacers' record dreadful these past few years...."
DS "Argh... their record. Even when we give other teams "the call" (something we learned from Nascar by the way) sometimes the Pacers still find a way to win."
Bball "Nascar is a model to the NBA?"
DS "Why not? Earnhardt gets a special restrictor plate... LJ gets a 4 point play... Did you not see the connection?"
Bball "Nascar doesn't admit to that"
DS "Welllll can you blame them? I wouldn't admit to it either if it mattered... but it only matters to the Pacers. Do you think New Yorkers care what we do to keep the Pacers down? LA? Miami? I don't think so!"
Bball "So what of the appeals?"
DS "The process will just have to work itself out. Both sides can give their arguments and then I will agree with mine and rule against the Pacers! (laughs) Rubes!
Bball "What if an arbitrator rules for the Pacers in any way?"
DS "I'll declare he had no jurisdiction and strike his ruling!"
Bball "You used the word 'strike' again..."
DS "I didn't say strike... There will be no strike"
Bball "So there is no chance that the suspended Pacers will be able to have their suspensions reduced?"
DS "I wouldn't say that. There is always a chance. A snowball has a chance in Hell doesn't it? (laughs)"
Bball "Last question. What would you like to say to the people of Indiana?"
DS "Stick to bass fishing and Nascar. Leave the city games to city people like myself. I think Conseco could be used for truck pulls or whatever Hoosiers do for entertainment. There's no need to lockout the hillbillies and waste the arena.
DS "Did I say that word? Strike that! Errrrrr.... nevermind.... This interview is over!"
The above interview never happened. It is posted as a joke. Please don't send David Stern's lawyers to my door