Commish Stern ? Kevin Love Is On Drugs!
Written by IndyHoya
AREA 55 NEWS YOU CAN TAKE TO THE BANK!!!!!
Damn!* Didja see last night’s game?* We beat Dallas on the road!* We haven’t done that in 8 years!* And get this:* it was our 10th road win this year.* Of all the NBA teams out there, only the Bulls (with a considerably weaker road schedule) have as many wins as that.
And get this too!* Paul George went nuts!* Frank Vogel played him for over 41 minutes because he was totally unstoppable.* In that period, PG amassed a career-high 30 points, going 7-11 from 3-point land (one shy of Reggie Miller’s Pacer-best of 8).* He also pulled down 9 rebounds; doled out 5 assists; and stole the ball 5 times.* It was his best night in a Pacers uniform. *It was an awesome performance.* The rest of our boys played pretty well too. David West had a season high 20.* Danny chipped in 16; DC2 had 13 and Roy had 9 points and 14 rebounds!
Knocking off Dallas made it four straight wins for the Pacers: We’ve beaten Orlando, New Jersey, Minnesota, and now Dallas in succession. At 16-6 we now have the third best record in the East.* Only Chicago (19-6) and Miami (17-6) are better.* This is bliss!* This is great play!* This is basketball Nirvana!
Tonight, don your Mickey Mouse ears and come hungry for some Dwight-meat!
Yup, we get to again see our old friend Dwight (“Trade Me!) Howard and his other close buddies from the Magic Kingdom.* Consider this a BLF rematch.
You’ll recall that the last time the Disneys invaded BLF, they smacked us with a 102-83 thumping.* We revenged that a couple nights later 106-85.* But they embarrassed us in our house.* We can’t have that!
Now comes the rubber.* Let’s all be in our seats early and get loud and nasty.* It’s been a long time since Indiana has won five games in a row.* With all the foreigners in town, the game’s likely to be a sell-out.* There’ll probably even be a few Orlando jerseys in the house too.* Our voices and theatrics will be on view.* Let’s not disappoint.
Commissioner Stern, Act Quick! Help Kevin Love!!!!! Fellow 55ers, did any of you happen to catch Kevin Love’s comments about the Pacers after our boys throttled the Wolves in our most recent northern sojourn in Minneapolis?* No?* Well, here’s what Kevin had to say about us postgame:
“(They think) they are so tough,” Love said. “They take those pills and they got all that toughness. I don’t know where that comes from. They all think they are tough guys. I just don’t know where that comes from. It just blows my mind. They are all tough and that makes me laugh.” [Emphasis supplied]
The part of the above statement that particularly piqued my interest was Kevin’s pronounced belief that our guys’ smashmouth success is attributable to massive consumption of performance-enhancing “toughness” pills.
Poor Kevin!* It is he, not us, that is under the influence of drugs!
I know of what I speak.
I am a child of the 1960s – the psychedelic era when drug consumption was prolific and endemic.* I did my undergrad stuff at time when everyone was smoking or swallowing something or other – hashish, marijuana, LSD, mescaline, growth hormones, horse tranquilizers, banana rinds.* You name it: people were taking it.
Without going into my own personal activities during this fevered period, suffice it to say that I am something of an authority on drugs and drug use.* Accordingly, when I read Kevin’s post-game statement, I shook my head regretfully but knowingly.
“Poor guy,” I thought.* “Kevin has ODed on triptonecrotropine!”
Triptonecrotropine is an illegal and highly addictive drug.* It is known (and sold) on the street under the names “TNT”, “Happy Talk”, “Grab” and “Hair”.* It is generally taken orally in readily comestible pills.* However, in its crystalline form, it can be smoked or alternatively heated into a particularly potent injectible form that its abusers then mainline with borrowed needles.
However taken, the effects of TNT are basically the same. Users are prone to short but* energetic displays of extreme physicality, dangerous aggression , and irrational babbling.* Prolonged usage leads to serious loss of IQ, episodes of clear paranoia, and severe anti-social behavior — generally manifested by rash and uncontrolled statements and threats, and often by downright dangerous acts of primitive, animal-like conduct and behavior.
The side-effects of triptonecrotropine are also well-known to medical science: extreme hirsutism (most often manifested in the form of inordinate growth of lush facial hair); unexpected and irrational animosity and hatred (generally directed at former friends and loved ones); spastic bouts of flatulism; loose stools; prolonged periods of intense and solitary masturbation; and excited displays of gorilla-like bombast, chest-pounding, and disjointed* and incoherent verbal statements.
TNT is a curare derivative.* It is obtained from the backs of poisonous Amazonian frogs.* It was first employed by Bolivian headhunters in pre-war or pre-hunting tribal rituals and displays taken to sharpen spear-throwing aim and in order to instill an artificial sense of outward outrage courage. It is now mostly used (or, better, abused) by rogue professional athletes (particularly white NBA basketball players) in hopes of enhancing on-court jumping and rebounding skills and as an anti-depressant, usually taken to assuage particularly serious on-court lapses and defeats. Reportedly, when taken, TNT is not detectable in any known blood test presently administered by the NBA.
Having seen the damage that TNT abuse can wreak, I now strongly believe that Kevin Love was under the influence of this powerful drug when he accused the Pacers of popping pills.
So don’t be too hard on Kevin Love, fellow 55ers.* Pity him.* It was the triptonecrotropine talking, and not the real Kevin Love.
A copy of this Newsletter is being discreetly mailed to NBA Commissioner David Stern.* We can’t have triptonecrotropine abuse marring the family-friendly atmosphere that is the desired NBA experience.* Commissioner Stern, intervene now!* Kevin Love needs your help!
On this poignant note, I end.
GO PACERS!* GO AREA 55!