Haulin' and Callin' Out the NBA's Trash
It's obvious that USA Basketball didn't send its best 12 to the 2004 Summer Olympics in Athens, but thank God they didn't send the worst! The 25 names listed below (not all American -- that should put some pride back in our system) may elicit a wide range of emotions ... shock, disgust, outright loathing, etc... To guide you through the pain, we've attached our patented snide commentary to help you verbalize some of your feelings. And now the very worst of what the NBA has to offer:
(Disclaimer: All Bobcats were protected from this list and big, goofy white guys are all spoken for under Eschmeyer)
1. Evan Eschmeyer, C, Dallas -- The standard bearer for today's legion of big white stiffs in the NBA
2. Michael Stewart, C, Boston -- 'Yogi' is only slightly more threatening on the court than the cartoon bear
3. Wang ZhiZhi, C, Miami -- Even the Chinese government has disowned him
4. Dan Dickau, PG, Dallas -- Testament that some teams do all their scouting at the NCAA Tournament
5. Jerome Moiso, PF, Toronto -- Carrying on the proud French NBA tradition started by Frederic Weis and No. 6 on our list...
6. Tariq Abdul-Wahad, SG, Dallas -- We liked him better as Olivier St. Jean
7. Jerome James, C, Seattle -- Fulfilling the wasted on-court comedic promise of Chris Washburn
8. Steven Hunter, C, Phoenix -- A harsh reminder to any GM who mistakingly falls in love with an unknown player at the NBA pre-Draft camps
9. Ryan Humphrey, SF, Memphis -- More myth than baller, Humphrey has never actually been seen playing in a real game
10. Tom Gugliotta, PF, Boston -- Former All-Star scored in double figures once last season ... the preseason, that is
11. Kedrick Brown, SG, Philadelphia -- Interesting how many guys on this list either play for or were drafted by the Celtics
12. Reece Gaines, PG, Houston -- On a team crying out for point guard help, the No. 1 pick Gaines got into only 38 games
13. Marcus Haislip, PF, Milwaukee -- And speaking of first-round bombs, Haislip notched a team-low 8.5 minutes per game
14. DeSagana Diop, C, Cleveland -- We've taken to calling him 'Saggy' and a more fitting nickname in the League we don't know of
15. DeShawn Stevenson, SG, Orlando -- Don't shooting guards have to be able to shoot? 78 starts last season and only 19 3-Pointers made?
16. Kareem Rush, SG, Lakers -- Averaged 0.8 assists and 1.3 rebounds ... you gotta score more than 6.4 points to get away with that
17. Ira Newble, SF, Cleveland -- The patron saint of crap players getting big contracts after big years with crap teams
18. Ron Mercer, SG, New Jersey -- No team would even waste a chance on the former No. 6 pick after he got dumped by San Antonio mid-season
19. Samaki Walker, PF, Washington -- Entering the twilight years of a pitiful career -- with a name like that, how could he have failed?
20. Dajuan Wagner, SG, Cleveland -- Too bad a shooter to play SG, too bad a passer to play PG and too small to play in the NBA -- sounds like a winner!
21. Tyronn Lue, PG, Houston -- Milked his 15 minutes of fame in the 2001 NBA Finals for a big contract
22. Morris Peterson, SF, Toronto -- To think New Orleans took this clown off Toronto's hands and the Raptors matched the contract offer!
23. Dikembe Mutombo, C, Chicago -- Rigor Mortis has set in for Deke, can't wait for him to completely calcify under the basket on some February night
24. Jacque Vaughn, PG, New Jersey -- Can't wait for the night when the Nets trot out a starting backcourt of Vaughn and Mercer in front of 11 comotose fans in the Swamp
25. Juwan Howard, PF, Houston -- The burden of carrying his garish contract sucked the life out of Howard's game long ago
Next Five Bringing Up the Rear:
Michael Olowokandi, C, Minnesota
Jake Tsakalidis, C, Memphis
Eddie Robinson, SF, Chicago
Shandon Anderson, SG, New York
Vladimir Radmanovic, SF, Seattle
Five for the Future:
Kendrick Perkins, PF, Boston
Ndudi Ebi, SF, Minnesota
Travis Outlaw, SF, Portland
Pavel Podkolzine, C, Dallas
Brian Cook, PF, Lakers