You have everything you need to take your kid to an NFL game this Sunday? Program?
Actually, if I were you, I wouldn't take my kid. I'd take Manny Pacquiao. NFL stadiums are rougher than sandpaper thongs lately.
These days, NFL fans make NHL fans look like Miss Manners. They're often buy-a-vowel drunk, spewing cuss words and looking to fight. And the men are sometimes worse.
This year alone:
A plastered Browns fan tackled an 8-year-old kid in a New York Jets
jersey, cutting the boy's ankle.
A man was stabbed and another bruised before a game at Candlestick in San Francisco. Police were looking for a fan in a 49ers jersey.
A man at Soldier Field in Chicago fell to his death from 20 feet up on Sunday.
Having fun, kids?
I wouldn't take anybody not built like a side-by-side freezer to an NFL game now. With insane popularity comes inane people, and we're not just talking about Pittsburgh's James Harrison
. All the NFL is missing is crowds chanting, "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"
Don't go. Just sit your kid in front of your HD screen with a bowl of Cheetos and the remote. Guaranteed, your HD screen won't do the following (warning, these links get gross and the language is NOT for kids):
(A) Follow her around blowing a vuvuzela in her ear
(B) Throw punches at her so she misses a touchdown
(C) Make just walking away a terrifying experience
Still, if you INSIST on taking any child who isn't at least a brown belt, here are some survival tips: