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The Rules of Pacers Digest

Hello everyone,

Whether your are a long standing forum member or whether you have just registered today, it's a good idea to read and review the rules below so that you have a very good idea of what to expect when you come to Pacers Digest.

A quick note to new members: Your posts will not immediately show up when you make them. An administrator has to approve at least your first post before the forum software will later upgrade your account to the status of a fully-registered member. This usually happens within a couple of hours or so after your post(s) is/are approved, so you may need to be a little patient at first.

Why do we do this? So that it's more difficult for spammers (be they human or robot) to post, and so users who are banned cannot immediately re-register and start dousing people with verbal flames.

Below are the rules of Pacers Digest. After you have read them, you will have a very good sense of where we are coming from, what we expect, what we don't want to see, and how we react to things.

Rule #1

Pacers Digest is intended to be a place to discuss basketball without having to deal with the kinds of behaviors or attitudes that distract people from sticking with the discussion of the topics at hand. These unwanted distractions can come in many forms, and admittedly it can sometimes be tricky to pin down each and every kind that can rear its ugly head, but we feel that the following examples and explanations cover at least a good portion of that ground and should at least give people a pretty good idea of the kinds of things we actively discourage:

"Anyone who __________ is a liar / a fool / an idiot / a blind homer / has their head buried in the sand / a blind hater / doesn't know basketball / doesn't watch the games"

"People with intelligence will agree with me when I say that __________"

"Only stupid people think / believe / do ___________"

"I can't wait to hear something from PosterX when he/she sees that **insert a given incident or current event that will have probably upset or disappointed PosterX here**"

"He/she is just delusional"

"This thread is stupid / worthless / embarrassing"

"I'm going to take a moment to point and / laugh at PosterX / GroupOfPeopleY who thought / believed *insert though/belief here*"

"Remember when PosterX said OldCommentY that no longer looks good? "

In general, if a comment goes from purely on topic to something 'ad hominem' (personal jabs, personal shots, attacks, flames, however you want to call it, towards a person, or a group of people, or a given city/state/country of people), those are most likely going to be found intolerable.

We also dissuade passive aggressive behavior. This can be various things, but common examples include statements that are basically meant to imply someone is either stupid or otherwise incapable of holding a rational conversation. This can include (but is not limited to) laughing at someone's conclusions rather than offering an honest rebuttal, asking people what game they were watching, or another common problem is Poster X will say "that player isn't that bad" and then Poster Y will say something akin to "LOL you think that player is good". We're not going to tolerate those kinds of comments out of respect for the community at large and for the sake of trying to just have an honest conversation.

Now, does the above cover absolutely every single kind of distraction that is unwanted? Probably not, but you should by now have a good idea of the general types of things we will be discouraging. The above examples are meant to give you a good feel for / idea of what we're looking for. If something new or different than the above happens to come along and results in the same problem (that being, any other attitude or behavior that ultimately distracts from actually just discussing the topic at hand, or that is otherwise disrespectful to other posters), we can and we will take action to curb this as well, so please don't take this to mean that if you managed to technically avoid saying something exactly like one of the above examples that you are then somehow off the hook.

That all having been said, our goal is to do so in a generally kind and respectful way, and that doesn't mean the moment we see something we don't like that somebody is going to be suspended or banned, either. It just means that at the very least we will probably say something about it, quite possibly snipping out the distracting parts of the post in question while leaving alone the parts that are actually just discussing the topics, and in the event of a repeating or excessive problem, then we will start issuing infractions to try to further discourage further repeat problems, and if it just never seems to improve, then finally suspensions or bans will come into play. We would prefer it never went that far, and most of the time for most of our posters, it won't ever have to.

A slip up every once and a while is pretty normal, but, again, when it becomes repetitive or excessive, something will be done. Something occasional is probably going to be let go (within reason), but when it starts to become habitual or otherwise a pattern, odds are very good that we will step in.

There's always a small minority that like to push people's buttons and/or test their own boundaries with regards to the administrators, and in the case of someone acting like that, please be aware that this is not a court of law, but a private website run by people who are simply trying to do the right thing as they see it. If we feel that you are a special case that needs to be dealt with in an exceptional way because your behavior isn't explicitly mirroring one of our above examples of what we generally discourage, we can and we will take atypical action to prevent this from continuing if you are not cooperative with us.

Also please be aware that you will not be given a pass simply by claiming that you were 'only joking,' because quite honestly, when someone really is just joking, for one thing most people tend to pick up on the joke, including the person or group that is the target of the joke, and for another thing, in the event where an honest joke gets taken seriously and it upsets or angers someone, the person who is truly 'only joking' will quite commonly go out of his / her way to apologize and will try to mend fences. People who are dishonest about their statements being 'jokes' do not do so, and in turn that becomes a clear sign of what is really going on. It's nothing new.

In any case, quite frankly, the overall quality and health of the entire forum's community is more important than any one troublesome user will ever be, regardless of exactly how a problem is exhibiting itself, and if it comes down to us having to make a choice between you versus the greater health and happiness of the entire community, the community of this forum will win every time.

Lastly, there are also some posters, who are generally great contributors and do not otherwise cause any problems, who sometimes feel it's their place to provoke or to otherwise 'mess with' that small minority of people described in the last paragraph, and while we possibly might understand why you might feel you WANT to do something like that, the truth is we can't actually tolerate that kind of behavior from you any more than we can tolerate the behavior from them. So if we feel that you are trying to provoke those other posters into doing or saying something that will get themselves into trouble, then we will start to view you as a problem as well, because of the same reason as before: The overall health of the forum comes first, and trying to stir the pot with someone like that doesn't help, it just makes it worse. Some will simply disagree with this philosophy, but if so, then so be it because ultimately we have to do what we think is best so long as it's up to us.

If you see a problem that we haven't addressed, the best and most appropriate course for a forum member to take here is to look over to the left of the post in question. See underneath that poster's name, avatar, and other info, down where there's a little triangle with an exclamation point (!) in it? Click that. That allows you to report the post to the admins so we can definitely notice it and give it a look to see what we feel we should do about it. Beyond that, obviously it's human nature sometimes to want to speak up to the poster in question who has bothered you, but we would ask that you try to refrain from doing so because quite often what happens is two or more posters all start going back and forth about the original offending post, and suddenly the entire thread is off topic or otherwise derailed. So while the urge to police it yourself is understandable, it's best to just report it to us and let us handle it. Thank you!

All of the above is going to be subject to a case by case basis, but generally and broadly speaking, this should give everyone a pretty good idea of how things will typically / most often be handled.

Rule #2

If the actions of an administrator inspire you to make a comment, criticism, or express a concern about it, there is a wrong place and a couple of right places to do so.

The wrong place is to do so in the original thread in which the administrator took action. For example, if a post gets an infraction, or a post gets deleted, or a comment within a larger post gets clipped out, in a thread discussing Paul George, the wrong thing to do is to distract from the discussion of Paul George by adding your off topic thoughts on what the administrator did.

The right places to do so are:

A) Start a thread about the specific incident you want to talk about on the Feedback board. This way you are able to express yourself in an area that doesn't throw another thread off topic, and this way others can add their two cents as well if they wish, and additionally if there's something that needs to be said by the administrators, that is where they will respond to it.

B) Send a private message to the administrators, and they can respond to you that way.

If this is done the wrong way, those comments will be deleted, and if it's a repeating problem then it may also receive an infraction as well.

Rule #3

If a poster is bothering you, and an administrator has not or will not deal with that poster to the extent that you would prefer, you have a powerful tool at your disposal, one that has recently been upgraded and is now better than ever: The ability to ignore a user.

When you ignore a user, you will unfortunately still see some hints of their existence (nothing we can do about that), however, it does the following key things:

A) Any post they make will be completely invisible as you scroll through a thread.

B) The new addition to this feature: If someone QUOTES a user you are ignoring, you do not have to read who it was, or what that poster said, unless you go out of your way to click on a link to find out who it is and what they said.

To utilize this feature, from any page on Pacers Digest, scroll to the top of the page, look to the top right where it says 'Settings' and click that. From the settings page, look to the left side of the page where it says 'My Settings', and look down from there until you see 'Edit Ignore List' and click that. From here, it will say 'Add a Member to Your List...' Beneath that, click in the text box to the right of 'User Name', type in or copy & paste the username of the poster you are ignoring, and once their name is in the box, look over to the far right and click the 'Okay' button. All done!

Rule #4

Regarding infractions, currently they carry a value of one point each, and that point will expire in 31 days. If at any point a poster is carrying three points at the same time, that poster will be suspended until the oldest of the three points expires.

Rule #5

When you share or paste content or articles from another website, you must include the URL/link back to where you found it, who wrote it, and what website it's from. Said content will be removed if this doesn't happen.

An example:

If I copy and paste an article from the Indianapolis Star website, I would post something like this:

http://www.linktothearticlegoeshere.com/article
Title of the Article
Author's Name
Indianapolis Star

Rule #6

We cannot tolerate illegal videos on Pacers Digest. This means do not share any links to them, do not mention any websites that host them or link to them, do not describe how to find them in any way, and do not ask about them. Posts doing anything of the sort will be removed, the offenders will be contacted privately, and if the problem becomes habitual, you will be suspended, and if it still persists, you will probably be banned.

The legal means of watching or listening to NBA games are NBA League Pass Broadband (for US, or for International; both cost money) and NBA Audio League Pass (which is free). Look for them on NBA.com.

Rule #7

Provocative statements in a signature, or as an avatar, or as the 'tagline' beneath a poster's username (where it says 'Member' or 'Administrator' by default, if it is not altered) are an unwanted distraction that will more than likely be removed on sight. There can be shades of gray to this, but in general this could be something political or religious that is likely going to provoke or upset people, or otherwise something that is mean-spirited at the expense of a poster, a group of people, or a population.

It may or may not go without saying, but this goes for threads and posts as well, particularly when it's not made on the off-topic board (Market Square).

We do make exceptions if we feel the content is both innocuous and unlikely to cause social problems on the forum (such as wishing someone a Merry Christmas or a Happy Easter), and we also also make exceptions if such topics come up with regards to a sports figure (such as the Lance Stephenson situation bringing up discussions of domestic abuse and the law, or when Jason Collins came out as gay and how that lead to some discussion about gay rights).

However, once the discussion seems to be more/mostly about the political issues instead of the sports figure or his specific situation, the thread is usually closed.

Rule #8

We prefer self-restraint and/or modesty when making jokes or off topic comments in a sports discussion thread. They can be fun, but sometimes they derail or distract from a topic, and we don't want to see that happen. If we feel it is a problem, we will either delete or move those posts from the thread.

Rule #9

Generally speaking, we try to be a "PG-13" rated board, and we don't want to see sexual content or similarly suggestive content. Vulgarity is a more muddled issue, though again we prefer things to lean more towards "PG-13" than "R". If we feel things have gone too far, we will step in.

Rule #10

We like small signatures, not big signatures. The bigger the signature, the more likely it is an annoying or distracting signature.

Rule #11

Do not advertise anything without talking about it with the administrators first. This includes advertising with your signature, with your avatar, through private messaging, and/or by making a thread or post.
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Bill Simmons Mailbag returns from summer break

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  • Bill Simmons Mailbag returns from summer break

    http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2...simmons/081010


    You know how TNT runs those "40 Games, 40 Nights" promos for the NBA playoffs? I haven't done an old-school mailbag since May -- I know, I know, totally inexcusable -- so let's call this one, "40 Questions, 140 Nights." As always, these are actual questions from actual readers.

    Q: There had to be someone out there who was watching "Titanic" for the first time when TNT switched to the Red Sox-Angels Game 3, right? I mean, there was a half-hour left! Even if you already saw the movie you just sat through 2½ hours and got abruptly thrown to Ernie Johnson.
    -- Mick, Sacramento

    SG: That sounds like a strange euphemism: "Things were going great, and then I got abruptly thrown to Ernie Johnson." But you're right -- every time that happens, I always think of some 50-year-old housewife who spent the last 150 minutes getting sucked into "Titanic" for the 300th time, and suddenly, there's Ernie Johnson staring at her right as Leo was trying to fit on that little raft with Kate Winslet's big butt. I was trying to think of a Bizarro Situation for this and here it is: If you were watching "Hoosiers" on ESPN Classic, Flatch just got thrown into the trophy case and Ollie was coming in … and right at that moment, Pam Ward was staring at you and saying, "Sorry to interrupt, we're throwing it to Detroit for bonus coverage of the WNBA semifinals."

    Q: Did you see the record for most on-screen analysts get shattered by CNN after the Palin-Biden debate? On "Anderson Cooper 360," there were 11 men and women on stage with laptops in front of them. Beat that, NBC!
    -- Andrew W., New York

    SG: Just wait until Dick Ebersol finishes his "Hollywood Squares" set for NBC's "Football Night in America." You will regret challenging him.

    (P.S.: You know, this isn't a terrible idea -- a pregame show crossed with a game show. If they ever did that, who would get center square? Collinsworth? Olbermann? Or should it be a famous celebrity who likes sports? The thing is, they could totally pull it off: Dan Patrick, Jerome Bettis and Peter King on the top row; Tiki Barber, NFL guest star du jour and Collinsworth on the bottom row; and then Olbermann and NBC female guest star du jour flanking someone such as Billy Crystal or Chris Rock in the middle square. And Costas could ask everyone football questions and have two contestants play for a trip to Hawaii or something. The scary thing is, I think I would watch this. Like, every week.)

    Q: I was reading your archives and stumbled across this gem: "(Robert) Kraft hired good-natured, upbeat San Fran assistant Pete Carroll as head coach (to replace Bill Parcells), the classic case of a 'Player's coach' replacing a 'Disciplinarian.' Within months, players were diving into mosh pits, missing practices, and getting into car accidents and fistfights. Even though they were a consensus Super Bowl contender, the Patriots kept making mistakes in big moments … one of my readers at the time joked, 'The Pete Carroll era finally answers the question of why Fredo was never given control of the Corleone family.'"

    Sound familiar? (Cough. Cough.) 2008 Cowboys! (Cough. Cough.)
    -- Matt, San Antonio

    SG: Every Cowboys fan just made Seinfeld's "Newman!" grimace. That was fun. Look at the bright side -- we're five years away from Wade Phillips' becoming the most successful coach in college football.

    Q: Just had to give kudos to Gus Johnson for his orgasmic call on the Petruzelli-Kimbo fight. "It's about to get serious. Oh! Slice in trouble! ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY IS HERE!!! SETH PETRUZELLI!!!!!" He just kept going. He left absolutely no room for "the Annoying Canadian Announcer" (as you called him), Mauro Ranallo, to say a freaking thing. He was basically stating, "Look, hoser, I GOT this call, and I swear if you say anything, ANYTHING to steal this moment away from me and MMA fans, I WILL TAKE YOUR THESAURUS AND BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH IT!!!" I love Gus Johnson.
    -- Marcus W., Portland, Ore.

    SG: Me, too. The most underrated part of that call was Gus kept referring to Kimbo as "Slice," like that was his real last name. That killed me. I'm convinced even more than ever that Gus should announce "WrestleMania" every spring, just so we could get moments like this during a Triple H-Big Show match: "Now H throws Show against the ropes … misses the clothesline … ohhhhhhhhhhhhh-whoaaaaaaaa! … CHOKE SLAM BY SHOW! CHOKE SLAM BY SHOW! And H is in trouble!"

    Q: Hi, my name is Kristy, and I am a Reader Mailbag Virgin. Now that I've gotten that out of the way, will the glory days of the "one star running back system" ever return? I miss the days of a healthy LT, the pre-prison Jamal Lewis era and Priest Holmes.
    -- Kristy, Scottsdale, Ariz.

    SG: Ladies and gentleman, I'd like to introduce you to my second wife … Kristy from Scottsdale!

    Q: Did I just hear John Madden refer to Pittsburgh's Santonio Holmes as "San Antonio Holmes?" In your mind, was this worse than last week when he pointed out that he got kicked out of the buffet line at the Mrs. McNabb-hosted pregame buffet because there was no room left on his plate? I'm pretty sure that the only reason I tune into "SNF" anymore is to boost my self-esteem.
    -- Todd, San Francisco

    SG: That sounds like a sketch for "Frank TV" -- Madden recording the names of "Madden 2009" players and repeatedly screwing them up.

    (Good God, I just referenced "Frank TV" without even thinking. Those ads are working! They're brainwashing us! Very funny.)

    Q: Can you give us your guess on the breakdown of Red Sox vs. Rays fans at the ALCS games in Tampa? My roommate and I think everyone is missing the boat on this one; it's our secret weapon in the series.
    -- Jack, Medford, Mass.

    SG: I would have guessed 25 percent, but I have Florida friends who swear the number will be closer to 40-45 percent. You're right, it's definitely an ace in the hole for the Sox, although I'm not sure it's better than having Grant Balfour throwing 113 mph every game. Honestly, I have no idea what will happen: All the baseball signs point to the Rays (healthier, better bullpen, built for close games, no Lowell, banged-up Big Papi), but all the big-picture signs point to the Sox (experience, the Lester-Beckett combo, the Papelbon-Wheeler advantage, even the crowds). In gambling parlance, it's the proverbial stayaway. I just can't believe that, after this 2002 column and this 2007 column and this 2007 photo essay … the Red Sox and Rays are playing for the 2008 American League pennant. It's like getting ready to watch Floyd Mayweather fight Jonathan Lipnicki for the welterweight title. How did we get here?

    Q: Shouldn't Elizabeth Perkins have faced statutory rape charges in "Big"?
    -- Chuck D., Clifton Park, N.Y.

    SG: Absolutely. The rules are explicit here -- if you have consensual sexual relations with anyone not legally old enough to consent to such behavior, it's statutory rape regardless of whether they turned themselves into an adult by making a wish to a Zoltar machine. Perkins' character worked with Josh Baskin (the Tom Hanks character) in New York City when the age of consent was 15 years old. Well, Baskin was only 13 at the time. So there you go.

    Q: I love your columns. They're so fantastically asinine and informative at the same time. I enjoy almost everything you write. Yet, I envy you, and because of that, I hate you.
    -- Huy, Irvine, Calif.

    SG: Hate me, love me, I don't care. Just don't start stalking me like the woman who stalked Luke Walton. And by the way, where does "stalking Luke Walton" rank on the list of "Craziest Sports Related Crimes of the Past 25 Years?" My top six looks like this …

    1. The Tonya Harding-Nancy Kerrigan assault.
    2. Monica Seles getting stabbed during a match.
    3. A woman deciding, "I think it's time I started stalking Luke Walton."
    4. George Steinbrenner framing his own player (Dave Winfield) and getting caught.
    5. Nate Newton being pulled over in his car on a Houston highway with 175 pounds of marijuana.
    6. Jess Kersey's call on Larry Johnson's four-point play to beat Indiana in Game 3 of the '99 playoffs.

    Q: As a lifelong Browns fan and fantasy owner of Braylon Edwards, I am outraged that you would leave him off of your list for Dropsies All-Stars. How could you do this?
    -- T.J., Philly

    SG: I'd like to apologize to Braylon, the Browns fans and everyone who ever owned him on a fantasy team. There's no excuse. By the way, thank goodness Braylon or Bernard Berrian wasn't at this carnival earlier in the week.

    Q: I just watched Manny Ramirez tell the TBS announcer to "talk to Scott because he's the one who brought me to Los Angeles" in his post-Game 3 interview. Can you please add this to your Manny column as the 40th footnote and add a line like, "I TOLD YOU!"
    -- Robby, Los Angeles (by way of Boston)

    SG: I'm more partial to, "And you thought I spent 9,200 words making this up."

    Q: I just saw a link on ESPN.com talking about the Lakers' first preseason game. So, I clicked the NBA link at the top of ESPN.com to see how my Sonics did in their first preseason game, meaningless as it might be. And then I remembered. This was my first "It Just Sank In" moment as a Sonics fan. I'm going to rummage through my cupboards for some scotch now.
    -- Jack, Seattle

    SG: Here's my contribution to the poor Sonics fans: You know the team Kevin Durant plays for right now? I'm never mentioning their "new" name in this column. Ever. For as long as I have it. I'm alternating between these four names …

    1. Kevin Durant's Team.
    2. The Seattle SloppySeconds
    3. The Bennett City Hijackers
    4. The Team That Shall Not Be Named

    Q: I'd like to share with you a highlight from my last trip to Yankee Stadium. In about the fourth inning, a mysterious puddle appeared at my feet. I checked around for a spilled beer bottle or something, but there was no apparent cause. How could they tear this place down?
    -- Sam, Norwalk, Conn.

    SG: Look on the bright side -- they were able to build a new stadium they didn't totally need by using tax dollars and obscenely bumped-up ticket prices during the worst economic crisis in 80 years. It's all good.

    Q: It must take forever to write a book when you can only type with two fingers ….
    -- Jerry, Seattle

    SG: (Searching for a comeback … )

    Q: On behalf of every Eagles fan, can you please be the one media guy who doesn't suck up to Andy Reid and point out all the reasons why he sucks and needs to either resign or start smoking? The man either needs more oxygen or more nicotine. Thanks in advance.
    -- Randy, South Philly

    SG: I'd be delighted! Reid is like Art Shell with a better PR staff. He makes terrible decisions at the worst possible times. His players make boneheaded mistakes (like the DeSean Jackson spike, or McNabb's pathetic eight-minute drill in Super Bowl XXXIX) and nobody ever blames him. He doesn't seem to understand the strengths and weaknesses of his players even remotely, as we witness every week when poor David Akers is forced to try 50-yard field goals with a 43-yard leg and their crappy offensive line is forced to keep ramming it down someone's throat on third-and-1. His clock management has always been horrendous -- always -- even back when the Eagles were going to the NFC title game every year.

    Here's how much Reid has slipped as an NFL coach: During the Skins-Eagles game, Antwaan Randle-El threw an option pass TD that Reid challenged even though Randle-El was clearly behind the line. There was no debate. I watched the play live and didn't even know what Reid was challenging until Troy Aikman guessed it correctly. ("You're exactly right, Troy!") So we wasted two minutes watching replays of Randle-El throwing the pass from two yards behind the line of scrimmage, then Philly eventually losing a timeout on one of the five dumbest challenges of this decade. And I was sitting there thinking that we needed some sort of "Coaching *****s" stat to capture the following things …

    1. Calling for inane challenges that have no chance of getting overturned.

    2. Horrendous goal-line plays that cause fans to start booing even as the ball-carrier is getting tackled.

    3. Egregious and indefensible brain-farts by a player.

    4. Any needlessly counterproductive decision along the lines of "David Akers couldn't make a field goal of more than 50 yards right now unless we injected him with enough cocaine, Red Bull and HGH to kill a thoroughbred horse, but screw it, we're trying this 52-yarder anyway."

    5. Screwing up the clock management in the "Two minutes to go and we need two scores" scenario.

    6. Screwing up your three timeouts when there is less than four minutes left, you're trailing and you need to save as many seconds as possible.

    When you think about it, we could easily keep track of those six categories. And if we did, we'd find that Andy Reid has doubled the total of any other coach for 2008 coaching *****s through five weeks. I am convinced.

    Q: O.J. Simpson getting convicted … biggest makeup call ever?
    -- Jon, Boston

    SG: Unquestionably. It's amazing Ed Hochuli wasn't involved.

    Q: Why didn't you ever address the ridiculous argument that the Redeem Team would stand a chance against the Dream Team? I'm sick of the hyperbole "now is the greatest of all time" crap. The disrespect to some of the greatest players of the past is sickening. At some point, it would be great if you would break this down Dr. Jack style.
    -- Steve, Des Moines, Iowa

    SG: Waste of time. The Dream Team was the perfect international team: Jordan in his prime, Pippen at his all-around apex, Robinson and Ewing protecting the rim, Barkley crashing the boards and careening around like a runaway train, Magic and Stockton running the show, two of the best shooting forwards ever (Bird and Mullin) draining wide-open 3s … I mean, Luis Scola and Pau Gasol were the best big men on the floor in back-to-back medal games against the Redeem Team. Anyone who "broke down" the Redeem Team-Dream Team matchup was basically announcing, "I couldn't think of a better idea for a column today."

    Q: We're going into a relatively large series against a team where Derek Lowe is slated to pitch three times if it goes seven games. Lowe has owned the Phillies over his career … got any advice on how to bring out the Derek Lowe Face at this stage of his career against a team that doesn't hit him?
    -- Mike, Philadelphia

    SG: Here's an idea -- trailing in Game 1, you should have Chase Utley and Pat Burrell hit home runs to give your team a 3-2 lead. I bet you'll see it.

    (You know what was funny? I watched it thinking, "Hey, it's my old friend!" Then we received about 75 e-mails in five minutes with readers saying the same thing. And I like Derek Lowe. I think he's clutch. It was just funny to see him pull that face out again Thursday night -- it was like getting farted on by an old roommate from college or something.)

    Q: If the Dodgers open the World Series at Boston, what's the over/under on where Manny's first homer lands? Lansdowne Street? Though a fourth-floor window at Jillians? Into traffic on the Mass Pike? Into one of the BU buildings on Commonwealth Ave.? Or does he make it to the Charles?
    -- Mike D., New York

    SG: I think it's going to be one of those line drives that's still going up as it ricochets off some drunk guy's head in the second row of the Monster seats. Seriously, and I'm not even kidding, it's not a bad idea for the Red Sox to force everyone in the Monster seats to wear protective headgear during every Manny at-bat in a Red Sox-Dodgers World Series. And I'm not even talking about a bicycle helmet but one of those thick helmets with an eye shield like the ones racecar drivers wear.

    Three other notes about this: First, the reaction for Manny's first at-bat at Fenway, if it happens in the World Series, will surpass every other "I wonder what's going to happen here?" reaction, with the possible exception of the stretch in the mid-'80s when Macho Man Savage was slapping Miss Elizabeth around even though some wrestling fans still liked him. Second, if and when Manny hits his first World Series home run at Fenway, he will unveil the slowest home run trot in the history of baseball unless Kirk Douglas or John Wooden happens to go deep in a celebrity softball game within the next five years. And third, if Josh Beckett (he's the only Red Sox starter who would do it, and I kinda think he would) threw at Manny in the World Series and Manny walked toward the mound, it would surpass the Zimmer-Pedro and Piazza-Clemens playoff altercations as the single biggest "It's on! It's on!" moment in recent baseball history. By the way, if I had to guess the amount of time I've spent thinking about a Red Sox-Dodgers World Series in the past six days, I'd have to go with 12 solid hours.

    Q: Was that 10-week summer "break" really to finish your book or did the head guy up at ESPN just suspend you for your gambling problems, a la David Stern?
    -- Jeff, Utica, N.Y.

    SG: (Consulting my lawyers before ultimately deciding not to comment.)

    Q: Brad Childress needs to be put atop your "don't gamble on this guy" list immediately. He makes worse decisions than Heidi Montag with a karaoke mic. But that's not why I'm writing. You have a young daughter around 3 -- is she asking you about the erection-pill commercials yet? I can't believe I'm coming to you for parental advice, but I thought you probably had some funny way to deal with it. Please enlighten us. Viivaaaaaaaaa, viagaraaaaaaaaa! Viva! Viva! Viiiivaaaaaaaa!
    -- Paul G, Chicago

    SG: I have very few rules for the mailbag, but this is one of them: No answers for questions that involve my daughter and the words "erection pills," no matter the context. I just can't bend on this one. No pun intended.

    Q: Where were you and what were you doing this summer when you found out Billy Packer no longer worked for CBS Sports?
    -- Trent T., Burbank, Calif.

    SG: You mean, July 14, 2008 … or as it will be known from this point forward, Curmudgeon Liberation Day? I don't even remember. I just remember briefly blacking out from joy.

    Q: Of all of the articles that I have read over the past few years, why haven't we read a mention of the Mike Scioscia Playoff Face against Boston? Every time he is on camera he looks like a cross between a small child who is terrified to look under his bed and a man who ate a really bad burrito with no bathroom in sight.
    -- Art, Portland

    SG: As a Red Sox fan who normally stresses out in October, it has been an absolute pleasure to compete three times in the past five years against a team that tries ridiculous suicide squeezes in key moments; keeps innings alive with dumb errors; brings in its "I can only get three outs and that's it and I thought we just spent 162 games establishing this" closer in the eighth inning; careens around the basepaths like they should be holding a bottle of Jack Daniels; puts guys on base to pitch to the greatest postseason hitter ever (Manny Ramirez) with the game on the line; gets so tight in the dugout that it looks like they're watching a UFO land and everything else. I'd just like to thank you, Mike Scioscia. It has been a pleasure and a privilege.
    Q: There is a team in my fantasy league named "2 Mannings, 1 Cup." What's the best team name you have seen?
    -- Brian, Boston

    SG: That one.

    Q: Doesn't Ray Lewis have to lead the league in my new stat: "Last Man to Dive in on an Already Made Tackle?" As the play is dying, he comes flying in, diving, rolling, jumping up, slapping the helmet, shouting, doing that crazy electric-boogaloo dance that makes my eyes bleed out before my head explodes. Having added nothing to the play other than his half-seizure, he's all of a sudden the center of attention for these nitwit announcers.
    -- Robert, Fort Worth, Texas

    SG: I demand that "Last Man to Dive in on an Already Made Tackle" become an official Football Outsiders stat starting this week. The real shame is we'll never know who had more career LMDAMTs -- Lewis or Junior Seau, who had 650 of them last season alone. It's kind of like how we'll never know who has the sack record. We just have to wonder.

    Q: As much as I hate Boston fans, I must admit that they scream "OOOOOOoooooh!" louder than any fans in all of baseball on two-strike pitches that are three feet off the plate.
    -- Matt, Wichita, Kan.

    SG: That was this month's winner of the "Backhanded Compliment" Award. Speaking of Boston fans, my buddy Gus had an idea for the Fenway games that I couldn't resist passing along: Nearly every time Big Papi steps out of the batter's box, he spits into his hands and claps twice. Well, why wouldn't the Fenway fans clap twice at the same time? Maybe the double clap could turn his playoffs around. If Big Papi isn't hitting, the Red Sox aren't beating Tampa.

    Q: On the Fourth of July I was reading the "Today in Baseball History" section of my local newspaper. One tidbit was easily the most entertaining of all: "1976 -- Philadelphia Phillies catcher Tim McCarver lost a grand slam when he passed teammate Garry Maddox on the basepaths." There's nothing more I can really say.
    -- Adam, Chesterton

    SG: That was despicable! That was despicable what he did! Despicable! Despicable! By the way, Timmy … go Google the Billy Packer stories from July 14. Those are our headlights in your rearview mirror.

    Q: Please for the LOVE OF GOD, explain why every time you win something in baseball you get a champagne celebration?!?!
    -- JD, Indy

    SG: Kept getting this question for two weeks, so let's settle it here: I'm not against these celebrations since it's always fun to watch people pour liquor on each other; it's always fun to watch the toupees and hair extensions of media members get doused with champagne; it's always fun to watch drunk people get interviewed on live TV; it's always fun to see born-agains and recovering alcoholics getting involved; and really, there's no downside at all. But since it happens four times a year for the World Series champs because of the expanded playoffs, we need to tinker with the actual liquor in the celebrations: Clinch your division and you're only allowed to celebrate with good canned beer; wild-card clinchers can only be cheaper canned beer, something like Natty Light or Busch. First-round clinchers earn celebrations with those big 40-ounce bottles of Bud or whatever. Pennant clinchers earn celebrations with cheap champagne. And for the World Series, you get good champagne. So there would be a liquor hierarchy that gets better as the clinches get more important. I think this could work.

    Q: Is Jonathan Papelbon to champagne celebrations what Peter North is to porn? Also, what's the status of your Papel***** heading into the ALCS?
    -- Alex, Cambridge, Mass.

    SG: I am at half-Masterson. Very nervous about heading into the ALCS with exactly one reliever that I trust. Might need some more liquor or some Viagra to get me going.

    Q: Was your heavy use of footnotes in your Manny column a not-so-subtle (but still effective) memorial tribute to David Foster Wallace? He might have been the finest sportswriter-who-wasn't-actually-a-sportswriter who ever lived. His portrait of Roger Federer a few years back was stunning (and, as a New Englander, you've got to read "Consider The Lobster"). Incredible writer; he'll be missed.
    -- Mike W., Westport, Conn.

    SG: I wrote the first and second drafts of that column (with footnotes) before Wallace died. So it was a little surreal how that worked out. The only other time I ever used footnotes for something I wrote was with my book. Anyway, as brilliant as his Federer piece was, I'd rank his Michael Joyce piece higher -- I thought it was one of the single best sports pieces ever written, right there with "Hub Fans Bid Kid Adieu" (John Updike); "Gone for Good" (Roger Angell); "What Do You Think of Ted Williams Now?" (Richard Ben Cramer); "Lawdy Lawdy He's Great" (Mark Kram); "The Silent Season of a Hero" (Gay Talese); "Ego" (Norman Mailer); and "Pure Heart" (William Nack). I love so many other sports pieces (Hunter Thompson's Kentucky Derby piece, George Plimpton's "Medora Goes to a Game," Angell's "Agincourt and After" and "Distance," Charlie Pierce's piece about a post-HIV Magic Johnson, Wright Thompson's piece about his father, John McPhee's "Centre Court," Frank Deford's Jimmy Connors profile, Talese's "The Loser," Wallace's Federer piece, Tony Kornheiser's Rick Barry profile, David Halberstam's piece about Jordan after the '98 Finals, Rick Reilly's profile of Bryant Gumbel, Gary Smith's profiles of Muhammad Ali and Jim Valvano, and so on and so on), but if you're picking a "Top 12 Greatest Sports Pieces Ever," those eight pieces have to be included. They just do.

    Q: Did you know that if you Google "gay guy with beard" under Google images, your photo comes up at the beginning of the fourth page? Just thought you'd like to know. P.S. You may be asking yourself why one would search for this. Rest assured, it involved trash talk on my fantasy football homepage.
    -- Kevin, Pittsburgh

    SG: That has become the go-to the excuse for all aberrant online behavior these days: "Rest assured, it involved trash talk on my fantasy football homepage."

    Q: Can we give Chelcie Ross some kind of honorary Barbara Hershey wet-blanket-in-a-sports-movie-except-you're-a-dude Lifetime Achievement award? I just saw a commercial for "The Express" and heard his familiar drawl: "He shouldn't play!" That makes four major sports movies where he told someone they couldn't succeed: "The Express," "Rudy," "Major League," and "Hoosiers."
    -- Soumyajit, Cincy

    SG: Done and done. Maybe Fox will hire him as a baseball analyst.

    Q: In your recent Manny article, you are very harsh on Scott Boras. Although he might be a conniving two-face, does that really mean he's a bad person? Sure, he will purposely manipulate a person like Manny to earn more money, but that's all it is, earning money. He doesn't steal. He is just good at what he does. Don't change your views on him (because you write about this with so much passion), just next time you write about him think of how he goes home to his kids, just like you, at night.
    -- Jack E., Swarthmore, Pa.

    SG: The only difference is that he goes back to his kids and probably drinks their blood in a wine glass to keep himself young. You're not getting me to feel bad for Boras. He's the most brilliant agent alive, but he doesn't care about people like you and me, and as he proved with the Pedro Alvarez-Pittsburgh saga, it's difficult to tell if he even cares about the welfare of his clients. I don't think he's any different than the greedy jerks who just brought down our economy; Boras does what's best for himself and his client and everyone else be damned. He's like Jerry Maguire crossed with Spencer Pratt. You know who else bent a few rules for the betterment of their families? All the guys who just brought down Wall Street. I'll get off my high horse now.
    [+] Enlarge
    Kevin McHale

    David Sherman/NBAE/Getty Images

    Special congrats to Kevin McHale for winning his fourth ring with the Celtics last season.

    Q: Is Kevin McHale out of the next Atrocious GM Summit now that he built a championship team?
    -- Noah, Bayside, N.Y.

    SG: We're going to have him be our featured speaker at lunch.

    Q: How many more times are we going to be subjected to Tito Francona's bonehead decisions? He is great at managing players' egos and building relationships with them, but please get him a coach to do the X's and O's before he kills us. We can't keep overcoming his major screwups, can we? I've said it since 2004 and it is still true … just amazing we keep winning despite him. I set the over/under of his ALCS miscues at four!
    -- Randy, Derry, N.H.

    SG: You can read more of Randy's work at his "Mr. Ungrateful" blog. Here's my take on Tito: He has never been outmanaged in a playoff series; his players love him and play hard for him; he handles the media as deftly as anyone this side of Doc Rivers; and by all accounts, he's a genuinely good person. You're never going to find a perfect manager or coach. That person just doesn't exist. So if you had your druthers (love that word), you'd want your manager's biggest weakness to be, "makes some occasionally boneheaded decisions that rarely come back to haunt the team because of the horseshoe that was surgically inserted into his rear end during the '04 playoffs." He's certainly the best Red Sox manager of my lifetime. And beyond that, nobody spits sunflower seeds with more grace and precision.

    Q: Have you ever seen so many football helmets come off so easily and so frequently in all your years watching the NFL? This is ridiculous, someone's going to get decapitated and no one's talking about it.
    -- Doug H., Hadley, Mass.

    SG: Yeah, it seems to happen once or twice a game now. I don't think anyone will get decapitated -- although, if it ever happens, I hope Gus Johnson is announcing -- but it does seem like we're heading for an incident like the one that nearly happened with Adrian Peterson last Monday: A running back straining for extra yards, getting his helmet ripped off, and then, in the 1.7 seconds that pass before everyone realizes that his helmet got ripped off, another defender coming charging in and nailing him right in the head. This seems inevitable. The point is this: I think we need better chin straps for helmets.

    Q: I stumbled across a past podcast where you and JackO debate how he got his nickname and you conceded that he remembers things much better than you do. This reminded me of my group of college friends (we've been together for 15 years now) and how I have a knack for remembering things a little too well. For this, they've dubbed me the "whore historian." Before you jump to the likely conclusion as to why I have the nickname, let me explain: I can remember almost every guy/girl my friends have hooked up with, how they met, where we were, what nickname we gave the guy/girl and why they were dubbed said nickname. So if we want a good session of ripping each other apart, people usually call/text me for ammo. Is this a skill I can put on my résumé?
    -- Ellie, Chicago

    SG: My initial answer: Yes. My second thought: I'd call it the "Whoristorian." Just sounds better. My third thought: You're the leader in the clubhouse for "Sports Guy Reader of the Year" right now. My fourth thought: You should definitely have your own blog. My fifth thought: I'm going to say a prayer tonight that my wife doesn't have a college roommate who earned the nickname, "The Whore Historian," or even "The Whoristorian." OK, I'm done.

    Q: Reading you latest article made me wonder: Has anyone ever comprehensively tallied the number of "Boogie Nights" references in your body of work? Maybe you could make it into a contest, where whoever has the closest guess gets a shoutout on your podcast or something. My guess is 78.
    -- Alex, Alamo, Calif.

    SG: 78??? Are you crazy? That number has to be closer to 150. We'll never know because it's not like my readers have time to sift through eight years of columns in my archives -- they have more important things to do, like play "Madden" or get stoned.

    Q: I was telling my girlfriend about the Manny-Sox dynamic and the potential for a Dodgers/Red Sox World Series and she mentioned that in "A League of Their Own" the team traded the cranky younger sister because of the stressful clubhouse dynamic, and that the rival team ultimately prevailed because of this. I thought, "My God, I must tell Simmons." Please tell me this isn't an applicable analogy, or some way we can stop it.
    -- Joe the Guy, Boston

    SG: We can't stop it. It's too late. You went there and we can't go back. You have to live with it for the rest of your life. The thing is, it's the greatest possible comparison. I will now throw a Molotov cocktail at myself.

    Q: I just sat through the postgame show for Minnesota-New Orleans and watched Emmitt Smith criticize the Saints because they "went lackadaisical" on a blocked field goal, then sternly looked in to the camera as he chided the Saints for having too many "offensive turnovers." What is my next move?
    -- R. Tennant, Schaumburg, Ill.

    SG: Just try to get through the next few days without getting debacled. That's my advice.

    Q: Is the hottest new NFL phrase "dink and dunk?" I heard nearly every pre-post-halftime show use this phrase on three different channels.
    -- KT, New York

    SG: Yup, it's replaced "running downhill" as the signature annoying phrase of 2008 … at least so far, since there's still time for "pick-six" to overtake it. Which reminds me, I nominated "T.I.N.T" (touchdown interception) to replace pick-six two weeks ago and some astute readers pointed out that I could tweak that to "T.A.I.N.T" (touchdown after interception). You have to admit, that couldn't work better. Jon Kitna threw two taints today. Brett Favre leads active QBs with 28 career taints.

    Q: How would you describe Bob Costas' role on "Sunday Night Football" right now?
    -- Lucas, Shaker Heights

    Confused? Undefined? He's like an emcee -- it's like when Jerry Lewis kind of wanders in and out of his own telethon and you might not see him again for five hours. Costas doesn't moderate any of the three-man discussions because Collinsworth always does it. He doesn't narrate any of the highlights because Olbermann and Patrick do it. Well, if you're not moderating, and you're not narrating highlights, and you're not offering football analysis, what the hell is left? He's like a maitre'd at a nice restaurant: "Welcome to Sunday Night Football, I'm Bob Costas, lemme show you to your table … Keith Olbermann and Cris Collinsworth will be right with you."

    Q: So you're looking for the four-way version of paper-rock-scissors that makes the most sense? I think I found it: blow-booze-weed-sleep. Yes, booze will defeat blow and weed will defeat booze. Sleep can beat weed and of course, blow beats sleep. Granted I don't behave this way EVERY day.
    -- Vaughn, Philly

    SG: Hold on, I have a better one …

    Q: My friend almost got into an altercation with a guy who had a hook instead of a hand. He contends that having a hook for a hand would be an advantage in a bar fight (for the obvious reasons); but I contend that because the prosthesis included the guy's forearm, it would be a disadvantage as arm speed and dexterity were reduced with the lack of arm muscle. What are your thoughts?
    -- Adam, Washington, D.C.

    SG: Almost there …

    Q: My friends and I were discussing the two-faced lady in the Southwest Airlines commercial that you are so fond of. Well, say one of her faces is eating a banana and the other is eating a corn dog. Would the corn dog and banana touch, or do the faces have two separate throats? They probably share a throat, right?
    -- Jarric, Lawrence, Kan.

    SG: Yup, these are my readers
    Even after all these years I hate hearing about that HORRIBLE 4 point play call

  • #2
    Re: Bill Simmons Mailbag returns from summer break

    There was no way I was going to read through all of those...lol

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Bill Simmons Mailbag returns from summer break

      This is what I was referring to:

      Q: I love your columns. They're so fantastically asinine and informative at the same time. I enjoy almost everything you write. Yet, I envy you, and because of that, I hate you.
      -- Huy, Irvine, Calif.

      SG: Hate me, love me, I don't care. Just don't start stalking me like the woman who stalked Luke Walton. And by the way, where does "stalking Luke Walton" rank on the list of "Craziest Sports Related Crimes of the Past 25 Years?" My top six looks like this …

      1. The Tonya Harding-Nancy Kerrigan assault.
      2. Monica Seles getting stabbed during a match.
      3. A woman deciding, "I think it's time I started stalking Luke Walton."
      4. George Steinbrenner framing his own player (Dave Winfield) and getting caught.
      5. Nate Newton being pulled over in his car on a Houston highway with 175 pounds of marijuana.
      6. Jess Kersey's call on Larry Johnson's four-point play to beat Indiana in Game 3 of the '99 playoffs.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Bill Simmons Mailbag returns from summer break

        Originally posted by juadam09 View Post
        This is what I was referring to:
        I read that...

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Bill Simmons Mailbag returns from summer break

          Simmons' other column about a guy Seth probably thinks Granger is better than was waaaaaaaaaaay better and should be read by all. Elgin is undisputed Top 10 by anyone who knows a damn.

          http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2...simmons/081008
          Read my Pacers blog:
          8points9seconds.com

          Follow my twitter:

          @8pts9secs

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