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Thread: Random, Scattered Disturbed Thoughts

  1. #1226
    Fear my small avatar Gyron's Avatar
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    Default Re: Random, Scattered Disturbed Thoughts

    Occasionally, airline flight attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

    "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane..."

    "Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

    "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

    "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

    Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

    And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

    As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins.

    The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

    Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

    As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

    "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

    "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

    "Last one off the plane must clean it."

    And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

    Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault.....it was the asphalt!"

    An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

    Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
    fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

    Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

    After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

    From a Southwest Airlines employee....

    "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

    Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

  2. #1227
    Fear my small avatar Gyron's Avatar
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    Default Re: Random, Scattered Disturbed Thoughts

    I'll take a break from there, but I have MANY MANY more from these old forums that were recently cataloged when they closed down due to inactivity. Hope you enjoy.....

  3. #1228
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    Default Re: Random, Scattered Disturbed Thoughts

    Something just for btown.....


    $9.50
    Handz Off Anti-Masturbatory Cream

    http://www.citydweller.net

    Instant relief lasting up to 6 hours. Helps you beat nature's urges around the clock.

  4. #1229
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    Default Re: Random, Scattered Disturbed Thoughts

    You shouldn't get me started. My joke folder has 1530 files. Oh well.

    A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her
    mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, "I don't have any
    money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"

    To that the man asks, "Anything??"

    And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"

    With that, the man says, "Follow me."

    He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does.

    He then says, "Get on your knees."

    She does.

    He then says, "Take down my zipper."

    She does. He then says, "Go ahead, take it out."

    With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.

    The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"

    She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips,
    she says, "Hello...Mom?"
    The poster formerly known as Rimfire

  5. #1230
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    Default Re: Random, Scattered Disturbed Thoughts

    What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brown?

    Artificial Intelligence.


    What does a blond say when you blow in her ear?

    Thanks for the refill.


    Why do blondes always have at least one brunette with them?

    To interpret!


    A blonde is stopped by a police officer for speeding. He makes her get out of
    the car and then drops his pants. The blonde replies "Oh, no...not another
    breathalyzer test!"


    What is the definition of eternity?

    Blondes driving all four cars paused at a four-way stop.


    What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet?

    Last year's hide-and-seek winner!
    The poster formerly known as Rimfire

  6. #1231
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    Default Re: Random, Scattered Disturbed Thoughts

    And let's hear one from Little Johnny.

    Every Sunday when Little Johnny's family gets home from Church Johnny's mother likes to fix a very nice, traditional Sunday dinner. In order for Little Johnny not to be underfoot while she's preparing dinner, she sends him out to walk in the woods behind their home with his father.

    One Sunday, Johnny and his father are walking along the forest path. It's a beautiful, warm spring day. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and flowers are blooming. As they're walking along, Johnny sees a butterfly flying in front of his face. He watches it for a moment as if entranced as it flutters before him and suddenly he reaches his hands up and "slap!" smacks his hands together and kills the butterfly dead.

    Johnny's father stops and takes Johnny by the shoulders. Kneeling down he looks him straight in the eye and says quietly, "Johnny, that was a case of cruel and senseless violence. Just so you remember this, you don't get any butter for a whole year."

    With that, Johnny and his father continue walking down the forest path. Before long a fruit fly flies in front of Johnny's face. Johnny watches it for a moment and then "slap!" he kills the fruit fly.

    Johnny's father looks down at him and says sternly, "Now Johnny, that was another case of cruel and senseless violence. Just for that, you don't get any fruit for a whole year."

    Johnny and his father continue walking down the forest path. Before long a honeybee flies in front of Johnny's face. Sure enough, before long "slap!" Johnny kills the honeybee dead.

    Johnny's father looks down at him and says angrily, "Johnny that was another case of cruel and senseless violence. Just for that, you don't get any honey for a whole year."

    Later that day the family is sitting down for Sunday dinner. It's a beautiful setting. The Sunday crystal is gleaming, a centerpiece of freshly picked flowers adorns the dining room table, setting off the attractive Sunday china on a white, pristine tablecloth.

    Suddenly Johnny's mother sees a cockroach crawling across the table. She reaches out and "slap!" kills the cockroach, dead.

    Johnny looks across the table at his father and says, OK Dad, should you tell her or should I?
    The poster formerly known as Rimfire

  7. #1232
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    Default Re: Random, Scattered Disturbed Thoughts

    A professor at the University of Minnesota was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

    Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

    He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ******* is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

    She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.

    The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class!

  8. #1233
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    Default Re: Random, Scattered Disturbed Thoughts

    The one I always liked was the story about a local Minnesota newscast during the winter.

    Apparently the weatherman had incorrectly forecast snowfall the night before. So the next day during they go through the show and it gets time for weather.

    The young, attractive anchorwoman turns to the weatherman and says, "So, Harold - why didn't I get my eight inches last night?"

    They had to cut to commercial before they could continue.
    The poster formerly known as Rimfire

  9. #1234
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    Default Re: Random, Scattered Disturbed Thoughts

    I hope you make it out to wander a few fields this afternoon. Not a bad day at all out there.

  10. #1235
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    Default Re: Random, Scattered Disturbed Thoughts

    Quote Originally Posted by Twes View Post
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    I hope you make it out to wander a few fields this afternoon. Not a bad day at all out there.
    Hardly - I'm in here putting together a ppt on Septic System Maintenance for a program I'm doing tomorrow. I put together about 3 slides, then come here and post something.

    On the plus side, our County disaster committee met this morning and we decided we aren't a disaster - at least not from weather.
    The poster formerly known as Rimfire

  11. #1236
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    Default Re: Random, Scattered Disturbed Thoughts

    Quote Originally Posted by DisplacedKnick View Post
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    Hardly - I'm in here putting together a ppt on Septic System Maintenance for a program I'm doing tomorrow. I put together about 3 slides, then come here and post something.

    On the plus side, our County disaster committee met this morning and we decided we aren't a disaster - at least not from weather.
    You're blowing my whole image of you.

    I was only out at lunch.

    I would have liked to stay out.

  12. #1237
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    Default Re: Random, Scattered Disturbed Thoughts

    Quote Originally Posted by Twes View Post
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    You're blowing my whole image of you.

    I was only out at lunch.

    I would have liked to stay out.
    Well, my first slide is titled:

    DON'T LET SPICOLI USE YOUR BATHROOM!
    The poster formerly known as Rimfire

  13. #1238
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    Default Re: Random, Scattered Disturbed Thoughts

    Quote Originally Posted by DisplacedKnick View Post
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    Well, my first slide is titled:

    DON'T LET SPICOLI USE YOUR BATHROOM!


    I checked out a new Mexican place for lunch today too. (On Topic)

    Exactly who are you giving this program to?

  14. #1239
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    Default Re: Random, Scattered Disturbed Thoughts

    Quote Originally Posted by Twes View Post
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    I checked out a new Mexican place for lunch today too. (On Topic)

    Exactly who are you giving this program to?
    Rural homeowners - especially everyone who calls me to ask if it's OK to plant a garden over their septic field or fence it in and put a horse on it.
    The poster formerly known as Rimfire

  15. #1240
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    Default Re: Random, Scattered Disturbed Thoughts

    Quote Originally Posted by DisplacedKnick View Post
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    Rural homeowners - especially everyone who calls me to ask if it's OK to plant a garden over their septic field or fence it in and put a horse on it.
    Sounds like good stuff there buddy.

    I will look you up and ask for a copy if I ever get to build the house I want where I'd like to build it.

  16. #1241
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    Default Re: Random, Scattered Disturbed Thoughts

    Here is one of my favorite little Johnny jokes...

    One Sunday morning Little Johnny is sitting in his religious education class behind Little Mary.
    The teachers asks, "Who created the world?"
    Just as the teacher finishes the question Johnny pokes Mary in the back with his pencil, and Mary shouts, "God Almighty!"
    "Very good Mary," says the teacher, and then asks the question, "In the Gospels who told many parables?"
    Again just as the teacher finished the question, Johnny pokes Mary in the back with the pencil. Mary shouts out, "Jesus Christ!"
    "Very good Mary," the teacher responded. The teacher then asked her final question, "What did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their 24th child?"
    And again just as the teacher finished the question, Johnny poked Mary in the back with the pencil and Mary exclaimed, "If you stick that f****** thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

    “WE NEVER SURRENDER, WE NEVER GIVE UP, WE KEEP ATTACKING”- Frank Vogel
    momentarygodsblog.com https://twitter.com/momentarygods

  17. #1242
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    Default Re: Random, Scattered Disturbed Thoughts

    Always enjoy Johnny in Sunday school. Here's one:

    In Sunday School one day the teacher asks the class, "Children, when we die, God will take us to heaven if we're good boys and girls. Do any of you have an idea how God would take us into heaven?"

    Several hands, including Johnny's, rise into the air. The teacher, knowing Johnny well, ignores him, "Sarah, how do you think God takes us into heaven?"

    Sarah smiles sweetly and says, "I think at night when we fold our hands to say our prayers, God reaches down and takes us by our folded hands and pulls us up into heaven."

    The teacher smiles and replies, "Now Sarah, that sounds like a nice way to go to heaven."

    Meanwhile Johnny is sitting there just shaking his head in disagreement. He doesn't agree with that at all.

    The teacher asks her question again and again hands go up, including Johnny's who's straining like he wants to change a ceiling light bulb. This time the teacher calls on Ted, "Ted, how do you think God takes us into heaven?"

    Ted answers, "I think when we're born God puts an invisible halo over our heads and when it comes time, he reaches down and takes us by our halo to pull us up to heaven."

    The teacher replies, "Now Ted, I think that sounds like a very nice way to go to heaven."

    Once again Johnny shakes his head, that obviously disagreeing with Ted.

    This continues for some time. Every time the teacher calls on someone other than Johnny and every time he hears an answer he shakes his head, and every time he raises his hand just a little harder.

    Finally the teacher has called on everyone in the room, except Johnny, who still wants to answer. Surrendering to the inevitable but hopping for the best she finally says, "Yes Johnny, how do you think people get to heaven?

    Johnny looks at her and says, "Teacher, I don't think - I know. Last night I got up to take a whizz and I was walking by my paren'ts room. There was my Mom, lying naked as a jaybird with her legs sticking straight up in the air screaming, 'Oh Lord - I'm coming!"

    Johnny pauses for a moment, then adds, "And I believe she'd have made it too except Daddy was lying on top of her pinning her down."
    The poster formerly known as Rimfire

  18. #1243
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    Default Re: Random, Scattered Disturbed Thoughts

    Quote Originally Posted by Gyron View Post
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    I think we know what Spicoli is doing in his new house now......

    http://origamiboulder.com/

    Bingo.

  19. #1244
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    Default Re: Random, Scattered Disturbed Thoughts

    Quote Originally Posted by DisplacedKnick View Post
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    Well, my first slide is titled:

    DON'T LET SPICOLI USE YOUR BATHROOM!
    I haven't pooped in 3 days.

  20. #1245
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    Quote Originally Posted by Spicoli View Post
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    I haven't pooped in 3 days.

    I'll alert FEMA that we have a major levee about to fail with disastrous implications for the surrounding county(s).

  21. #1246
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    Default Re: Random, Scattered Disturbed Thoughts

    Quote Originally Posted by Spicoli View Post
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    I haven't pooped in 3 days.
    Finally ate that 10 lb block of cheese huh?

  22. #1247
    teY dennaB toN
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    Default Re: Random, Scattered Disturbed Thoughts

    Make that 2.5 hours ago.

    Finally.

    And I do think it had to do with some wheat thins and a block of mozzarella.

  23. #1248
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    Default Re: Random, Scattered Disturbed Thoughts

    Quote Originally Posted by Spicoli View Post
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    Make that 2.5 hours ago.

    Finally.

    And I do think it had to do with some wheat thins and a block of mozzarella.
    That'll do it. The first year I was in fantasy basketbal I was set up to not miss a minute. Bought a bunch of crackers, cheese and set up shop on the PC for the draft.

    After 12 hours of that, well, let's just say I had to work pretty hard a couple days later.
    The poster formerly known as Rimfire

  24. #1249
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    Default Re: Random, Scattered Disturbed Thoughts

    Had to push your own block of "Stink Cheese" out did ya?

  25. #1250
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    Default Re: Random, Scattered Disturbed Thoughts

    Quote Originally Posted by Spicoli View Post
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    Make that 2.5 hours ago.

    Finally.

    And I do think it had to do with some wheat thins and a block of mozzarella.
    I love wheat thins but if I eat a bunch they tear me up.

    I'm not eating enough cheese I guess.

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