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Occasionally, airline flight attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins.
The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault.....it was the asphalt!"
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee....
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
You shouldn't get me started. My joke folder has 1530 files. Oh well.
A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her
mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, "I don't have any
money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"
To that the man asks, "Anything??"
And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"
With that, the man says, "Follow me."
He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does.
He then says, "Get on your knees."
He then says, "Take down my zipper."
She does. He then says, "Go ahead, take it out."
With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.
The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"
She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips,
she says, "Hello...Mom?"
Every Sunday when Little Johnny's family gets home from Church Johnny's mother likes to fix a very nice, traditional Sunday dinner. In order for Little Johnny not to be underfoot while she's preparing dinner, she sends him out to walk in the woods behind their home with his father.
One Sunday, Johnny and his father are walking along the forest path. It's a beautiful, warm spring day. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and flowers are blooming. As they're walking along, Johnny sees a butterfly flying in front of his face. He watches it for a moment as if entranced as it flutters before him and suddenly he reaches his hands up and "slap!" smacks his hands together and kills the butterfly dead.
Johnny's father stops and takes Johnny by the shoulders. Kneeling down he looks him straight in the eye and says quietly, "Johnny, that was a case of cruel and senseless violence. Just so you remember this, you don't get any butter for a whole year."
With that, Johnny and his father continue walking down the forest path. Before long a fruit fly flies in front of Johnny's face. Johnny watches it for a moment and then "slap!" he kills the fruit fly.
Johnny's father looks down at him and says sternly, "Now Johnny, that was another case of cruel and senseless violence. Just for that, you don't get any fruit for a whole year."
Johnny and his father continue walking down the forest path. Before long a honeybee flies in front of Johnny's face. Sure enough, before long "slap!" Johnny kills the honeybee dead.
Johnny's father looks down at him and says angrily, "Johnny that was another case of cruel and senseless violence. Just for that, you don't get any honey for a whole year."
Later that day the family is sitting down for Sunday dinner. It's a beautiful setting. The Sunday crystal is gleaming, a centerpiece of freshly picked flowers adorns the dining room table, setting off the attractive Sunday china on a white, pristine tablecloth.
Suddenly Johnny's mother sees a cockroach crawling across the table. She reaches out and "slap!" kills the cockroach, dead.
Johnny looks across the table at his father and says, OK Dad, should you tell her or should I?
One Sunday morning Little Johnny is sitting in his religious education class behind Little Mary.
The teachers asks, "Who created the world?"
Just as the teacher finishes the question Johnny pokes Mary in the back with his pencil, and Mary shouts, "God Almighty!"
"Very good Mary," says the teacher, and then asks the question, "In the Gospels who told many parables?"
Again just as the teacher finished the question, Johnny pokes Mary in the back with the pencil. Mary shouts out, "Jesus Christ!"
"Very good Mary," the teacher responded. The teacher then asked her final question, "What did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their 24th child?"
And again just as the teacher finished the question, Johnny poked Mary in the back with the pencil and Mary exclaimed, "If you stick that f****** thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
In Sunday School one day the teacher asks the class, "Children, when we die, God will take us to heaven if we're good boys and girls. Do any of you have an idea how God would take us into heaven?"
Several hands, including Johnny's, rise into the air. The teacher, knowing Johnny well, ignores him, "Sarah, how do you think God takes us into heaven?"
Sarah smiles sweetly and says, "I think at night when we fold our hands to say our prayers, God reaches down and takes us by our folded hands and pulls us up into heaven."
The teacher smiles and replies, "Now Sarah, that sounds like a nice way to go to heaven."
Meanwhile Johnny is sitting there just shaking his head in disagreement. He doesn't agree with that at all.
The teacher asks her question again and again hands go up, including Johnny's who's straining like he wants to change a ceiling light bulb. This time the teacher calls on Ted, "Ted, how do you think God takes us into heaven?"
Ted answers, "I think when we're born God puts an invisible halo over our heads and when it comes time, he reaches down and takes us by our halo to pull us up to heaven."
The teacher replies, "Now Ted, I think that sounds like a very nice way to go to heaven."
Once again Johnny shakes his head, that obviously disagreeing with Ted.
This continues for some time. Every time the teacher calls on someone other than Johnny and every time he hears an answer he shakes his head, and every time he raises his hand just a little harder.
Finally the teacher has called on everyone in the room, except Johnny, who still wants to answer. Surrendering to the inevitable but hopping for the best she finally says, "Yes Johnny, how do you think people get to heaven?
Johnny looks at her and says, "Teacher, I don't think - I know. Last night I got up to take a whizz and I was walking by my paren'ts room. There was my Mom, lying naked as a jaybird with her legs sticking straight up in the air screaming, 'Oh Lord - I'm coming!"
Johnny pauses for a moment, then adds, "And I believe she'd have made it too except Daddy was lying on top of her pinning her down."