Trying to be a good neighbor, I mow the yard of an elderly fellow who lives in a cul de sac off my street. He is of extremely advanced age and is not familiar with machinery (indeed, I am not sure that his house even has electricity). A day or two after I mow his lawn, an envelope will appear in my mailbox, containing a thank you note, maybe a clipped magazine article of interest, or a short note on some subject of presumed mutual concern. I often reply to these missives, placing notes in his mailbox.
In recent years, our communications have turned to focus more and more on (of all things -- this is Georgia, after all) the Indiana Pacers. As I noted, I do not believe his home has access to an electrical current, yet he seems most familiar and 'current' (heh heh) with team news...and even, to my great surprise, the postings of Pacers fans on the website The Pacers Digest.
This afternoon, I found this note from the old fellow in my mailbox. I post it here for your appraisal, and I post it here because of its frankly disturbing nature, and because I don't know quite what to make of it.
"Disregarding the need to be seen as being capable of any mundane rationation, or what may be considered mundane and safely normal by the great majority of Humanity's Herd, I will tell you, my friend, that I am beginning to believe that (in his time as a Pacer) Troy Murphy was practicing some form of Dark Arts...perhaps spiking the Pacers KoolAid with some Noisome Physick, or washing his fellows' concentration away with Mystery Rays from a modified tanning machine....all to make his own contributions seem more 'legitimate.'
How else to explain the Improvement in Defense that his departure has wrought, or the renewed Vitalitie and Vigour of his erstwhile teammates?
Theorizing and speculating as to the effects of the Basket Ball Player Murphy's absence are currently filling the pages of the main board of The Pacers Digest...but could even the most damning of these Speculations be Mere Shades of the more Sinister Truth? That dire reality being that Murphy was a Practitoner of Unsportsmanlike Magyck, engaged in unspeakable...Practices...or Acts, to the detriment of our doughty Pacers' Well-Being, and in whose Blessed and Timely Absence the course of the health of our young athletes has begun to seek that robust mean to which our Creator surely intended it to cleave?
Food for thought, dear correspondent, and one whose true taste must forever escape us, as the suspected Villain Murphy has Escaped, Absconded and Absented Himself, probably into the more uncharted and dangerous reaches of the swamps of New Jersey, where he will no doubt be able to find another crew of Unsuspecting Innocents upon which to work his wiles.
Thank you for cutting the grass again.
Please take care next time to avoid interfering with the new growth of the cuphea glutinosa.
-- L. Namrevats"