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  1. #1
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    Default Shocking Dialog (NBA Experts Blog @ Yahoo!)

    here is a series of transcripts Yahoo! Basketball Expert Kelley Dwyer has recently published. i posted one in the kidd thread but felt like something as fantastic as a few of these deserved a specific thread. they include:
    (linked to below to make the post easier to read)
    Last edited by avoidingtheclowns; 01-29-2008 at 04:59 PM.
    This is the darkest timeline.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Shocking Dialog (NBA Experts Blog @ Yahoo!)

    Shocking dialogue: Jason Kidd meets with Rod Thorn
    By Kelly Dwyer
    Tuesday, Jan 29, 2008 12:15 pm EST

    Jason Kidd wants out of New Jersey, and Nets personnel boss Rod Thorn is more than willing to aid in any transaction that eases Kidd out of a Net uniform. The other day, Kidd's agent Jeff Schwartz told Thorn of Kidd's demand to be traded, and yesterday Kidd followed up on the demand in a meeting with Thorn.

    You might not believe it, but we have the transcript in hand

    Jason Kidd: Jeff told you, huh?

    Rod Thorn: Yes sir.

    Kidd: Preferably, I'd like to go to the Lakers, Yankees, Mavericks, Heat, or Celtics.

    Thorn: Yankees?

    Kidd: Or Red Sox.

    Thorn: The baseball-Boston Red Sox?

    Kidd: I don't want Jason Collins to be traded with me. Dude steals my triple-doubles.

    Thorn: What does that mean?

    Kidd: A triple-double is when you get double-figures in points, rebounds, and assists.

    Thorn: I know that, I meant ...

    Kidd: No teams with blue uniforms.

    Thorn: Have you seen what Dallas wears?

    Kidd: On the flight out, I want an aisle seat. Something light for a in-flight entertainment. "Daddy Day Care" or that Rock movie with the girl and the ball with the sparkles.

    Thorn: Jason, I'm going to have to stop you there.

    Kidd: Nothing can stop me on my way to a championship. That's what I was put on Earth to do.

    Thorn: Jason, you're not being interviewed, stop it. You do realize how hard it is to trade someone who makes as much money as you, right? You're making 19.7 million dollars this season.

    Kidd: Yeah. I'm awesome.

    Thorn: Be that as it may, we have to match that salary in any trade we make.

    Kidd: Kwame makes that much.

    Thorn: Kwame doesn't make that much. Very few people do.

    Kidd: You make that much.

    Thorn: No, I don't.

    Kidd: Know why?

    Thorn: Why, Jason?


    Thorn: Great. Either way, there's not a lot we can do under NBA salary cap law that could ease you into a new team.

    Kidd: I break laws all the time. I don't even have draft picks to do it with.

    Thorn: What?

    Kidd: I mean, it's easier for you to break a law, because you can just send someone a draft pick to make up for it.

    Thorn: No, I mean, you break laws all the time?

    Kidd: Did you see where I parked today? Look. (Points to a window, Thorn peers outside.)

    Thorn: Right on the sidewalk. Ran over some kid's bike, too.
    (Kidd beams.)

    Thorn: Brav-o.

    Kidd: Not even my car. It's Josh Boone's car. I took it, I'm keeping it. Josh Boone gets NO TRIP-LE DOUB-LES!

    Thorn: You know, Malik Allen called me about this same sort of thing last month, and I just thought he was joking, or drunk, or both.

    Kidd: Patriots!

    Thorn: You like the Patriots on Sunday?

    Kidd: You can trade me to the Patriots, broseph.

    Thorn: No. No, I can't.

    Kidd: Salary cap law? I told you: draft picks!

    Thorn: Yeah, it doesn't work that way. Not without hurting my team. Not without taking back contracts of players that I don't want. Not without having to trade for Lamar Odom ...


    Thorn: Or Jason Terry ...


    Thorn: Or Nene Hilario ...

    Kidd: NO TRIP-LE ... oh. My thoughts and prayers are with him, and his family. He just wants to win a championship, like me. That's all we're in it for.

    Thorn: Jason, again, no reporters are here.

    Kidd: What if you traded half of me to a team, like with Vince Carter, and I could play half the time with the Lakers for half-price, and part of the time with the Nets?

    Thorn: I don't know where to start. "Like with Vince Carter?"

    Kidd: You know how he plays with the Raptors on the off days?

    Thorn: He doesn't play with the Raptors. He's been a Net since December of 2004!

    Kidd: He seems awfully tired. I just assumed.

    Thorn: I honestly can't fault you, there.

    Kidd: What if I go to David Stern, and say, like, "hey, David Stern. I'll give you, like, 14 triple-doubles if you let me go to the Lakers?"

    Thorn: How do you give someone a triple-double?

    Kidd: Just gave the Nuggets one.

    Thorn: Oh, I get it.

    Kidd: Gave the Bobcats two, gave the Magic one, the Hawks one, gave triple-doubles to the whole damn Eastern seaboard.

    Thorn: And what would David Stern do with his 14 triple-doubles?

    Kidd: Whatever the hell he wants! Steal some [stuff] from the Cheesecake Factory, cold-**** a red-headed dude just for the hell of it, burn [stuff] ... it's a triple-double!

    Thorn: I really wish I'd, you know, engaged in an actual conversation with you before signing that contract extension.

    Kidd: '85 Bears!

    Thorn: You want me to trade you to a football team from 23 years ago.

    Kidd: The Triple-Double Shuffle! (Rapping) "My name is J-Kidd, and I like to pass. Rippin' triple-doubles is better than ro-mance ..."

    Thorn: You know who could really use some triple-doubles? The Hawks.

    Kidd: I'm just here to win a championship. It's my life's ambition, and a dream I've had since I was a child. I'll do it anything for it.

    Thorn: Did you just set my desk on fire?,64142
    This is the darkest timeline.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Shocking Dialog (NBA Experts Blog @ Yahoo!)

    Shocking dialogue: Chris Webber and Don Nelson, together again

    By Kelly Dwyer
    Monday, Jan 28, 2008 1:03 pm EST

    Reports out of the Bay Area have the Golden State Warriors near a deal to sign ex-Warrior Chris Webber to a free agent deal. This would reunite Webber with his one-time nemesis, then and current Warriors coach, Don Nelson.

    The duo met last week at Webber's Sacramento-area restaurant, and we have to apologize to whoever created this back-and-forth. Thanks to a mole who was hired by Yahoo! to camp out in a dumbwaiter, we're able to bring you the chilling conversation that sealed the deal

    Don Nelson: Hey Chris.

    Chris Webber: Coach.

    Nellie: Nice place.

    C-Webb: Yeah, it's turned out pretty well. Did you get a drink?

    Nellie: Yeah.

    C-Webb: We have, y'know, the Johnny Walker Blue here.

    Nellie: No, it's cool. I've a ride back. Plenty of little bottles in the back of the limo.

    C-Webb: Cool.

    Nellie: Yeah.

    C-Webb: So Mullin wants me?

    Nellie: Guess so.

    C-Webb: You cool with that?

    Nellie: Whatever.

    C-Webb: Because the Pistons ...

    Nellie: Just stop.

    C-Webb: Yeah.

    (12 second pause.)

    C-Webb: They don't want me.

    Nellie: I know.

    C-Webb: What'd you guys get for me, originally?

    Nellie: Tom Gugliotta.

    C-Webb: Good player.

    Nellie: Good player.

    C-Webb: And you turned him into ... ?

    Nellie: They turned him into Donyell Marshall.

    C-Webb: You weren't around then. And the Warriors got ...

    Nellie: Danny Fortson and Adam Keefe. Four-way deal. I wasn't around for that.

    C-Webb: No, no. It's cool. Just curious. You were with the Knicks, by then, right?

    Nellie: No. I was with the Knicks during the Googs-for-Marshall deal.

    C-Webb: Right, right. The Knicks. Anthony Mason as point forward, right?

    Nellie: Yeah.

    C-Webb: Convince Patrick to play off the ball?

    Nellie: Yeah.

    C-Webb: Yeah.

    Nellie: Can you still dunk?

    C-Webb: Yes.

    Nellie: Cool. Just asking.

    C-Webb: After the Knicks ... that was Dallas, right?

    Nellie: Yeah.

    C-Webb: Traded Sam Cassell, Jim Jackson, a bunch of guys for Shawn Bradley.

    Nellie: It was an 11-player deal. There's a lot more to it than ...

    C-Webb: But he was the main cog, right?

    Nellie: Yeah.

    C-Webb: But, you got rid of Chris Gatling. All-Star that same month. Traded him at his peak for Bradley, right? Good deal.

    Nellie: Are you still with Tyra, or ...

    C-Webb: No, but we're cool.

    Nellie: Is she on your cell phone? Could we call her? Could we talk to her, say, right now ... or do you have to call into her office?

    C-Webb: No, but we're cool.

    Nellie: That's good. That's good.

    C-Webb: Yeah.

    Nellie: I do have to say, it was a shame the way the refs let Samaki Walker guard you in the 2002 playoffs. I mean, there's no way Samaki Walker could stop Chris Webber from getting 30 and 15. No way he could stop you from getting to the Finals.

    C-Webb: Yeah, well, that thing wasn't fair. Ralph Nader, in fact, put together a protest on our behalf.

    Nellie: I hear he had to do that for Bob Pettit, after the 1958 Finals.

    C-Webb: Really?

    Nellie: No.

    C-Webb: Yeah. Kind of set myself up for that one.

    Nellie: Yeah.

    C-Webb: Let the son pass on re-signing Steve Nash in order to grab Erick Dampier?

    Nellie: Are you still in touch with any of your 76ers teammates? You did play for them, right? I want to see what Calvin Booth is up to.

    C-Webb: Why didn't you keep that mustache? That looked good.

    Nellie: Did you shoot a free throw last year, or was that ...

    C-Webb: Do you ask Baron Davis to stop shooting threes, or does he just hit you a lot?

    Nellie: Has Michigan paid off its student-athlete loan, yet?

    C-Webb: Did the NBA outlaw fish ties, or did they just manage to stop the Dewar's truck from hitting Milwaukee, first?

    Nellie: Are you not allowed to show your championship rings at the restaurant, or ...

    C-Webb: Are you only allowed to see yours once Dave Cowens has his yearly "Salsabration?"

    Nellie: "Salsabration?"

    C-Webb: It's a celebration, with lots of Mexican food and chips and salsa and the championship rings you earned off of his hard work.

    Nellie: First of all, it's called "Cinco de Mustache," and that's where we don't shave for a month and show up on the fifth of July with our best mustaches, and secondly ... I don't know why I'm telling you this.

    C-Webb: Because you want to sign me.

    Nellie: I'm bored.

    C-Webb: I know you are. It's cool.

    Nellie: Seriously?

    C-Webb: Yeah.

    Nellie: Sorry about trading for Billy Owens.

    C-Webb: He had skills.

    Nellie: So did you.

    C-Webb: What?

    Nellie: Nothing.

    C-Webb: I don't want to play defense, rebound, or play in the low post.

    Nellie: I don't like defense, rebounding, or you.

    C-Webb: What?

    Nellie: You ... playing in the low post. If you're going to come back, you'll have to stop interrupting me.

    C-Webb: Can I wear number 75? My cousin saw it in a dream about a license plate that was on the back of a swordfish.

    Nellie: Does Austin Croshere wear a piece?

    C-Webb: Deal. (To a waitress, who isn't listening) A Johnny Walker Blue neat, and a new round of mini southwestern wraps for my new coach!

    Nellie: Do you want to work past May?

    C-Webb: No.

    Nellie: Cool.,63896
    This is the darkest timeline.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Shocking Dialog (NBA Experts Blog @ Yahoo!)

    Shocking dialogue: the Miami Heat bench, 1-24-08

    By Kelly Dwyer
    Friday, Jan 25, 2008 4:35 pm EST

    Shaquille O'Neal: Yo, Zo?

    Alonzo Mourning: Yes, Shaq?

    Shaq: Who's this guy sittin' next to me?

    Zo: He can hear you, man, be quiet. That's Joel Anthony.

    Shaq: Joel Anthony?

    Joel Anthony: Yeah?

    Shaq: Nothin'. Hey, Zo?

    Zo: Yeah, Shaq?

    Shaq: What happened to Mark Blount?

    Zo: He's out there, playing. He had 15 points in the first half. You pointed him out to me, "the tall dude talkin' to Craig Sager ...," remember?

    Shaq: No.

    Zo: Yeah, well, he's out there.

    Shaq: Hey, Zo?

    Zo: Yes, Shaq?

    Shaq: I don't like Mark Blount.

    Zo: Don't say that, man.

    Shaq: I was getting a little upset because I thought Joel Anthony ...

    Joel Anthony: Yes?

    Shaq: Nothin'. (Whispers) Because I thought I was sitting next to Mark Blount, I mean Mark Blount, and I don't like Mark Blount. You think his last name is "Blount" like "oww," but it's "blunt" like the things Jermaine O'Neal got caught with.

    Zo: Jermaine O'Neal?

    Shaq: Yeah. Dude smokes weed.

    Zo: You mean David Harrison?

    Shaq: Got caught with some Mark Blounts?

    Zo: Yeah. Plays for the Pacers.

    Shaq: He doesn't play. He got suspended. For weed.

    Zo: You know what I mean.

    Shaq: Yeah, but do you know what I mean?

    Zo: Whatever, man.

    Shaq: EXACTLY.

    (Eight seconds pass.)

    Shaq: Hey Zo?

    Zo: Yes, Shaq.

    Shaq: Remember that song I did with Fu-Schnickens? About how I was the first pick in the draft?

    Zo: Yes, Shaq.

    Shaq: I wasn't being bragadocious.

    Zo: I know, Shaq. It's cool.

    Shaq: Really?

    Zo: Really.

    Shaq: Because I WAS the first pick. Not you, not Christian Laettner.

    Zo: I know, Shaq. I'm cool with it.

    Shaq: For real?

    Zo: I didn't like how you rhymed my last name with "word is born, and."

    Shaq: What?

    Zo: Nothing, Shaq. It was a good song.

    Shaq: I thought so. Better than Kobe's.

    Zo: Yes, Shaq. It was better than Kobe's.

    Shaq: I mean, he didn't put out an album.

    Zo: Yes, Shaq.

    Shaq: I had a whole bunch of albums. Even a greatest hits album.

    Zo: Even a greatest hits album. Much better than Kobe.

    Shaq: You seriously think so?

    Zo: Yes, Shaq.

    Shaq: Yeah. Hey Mark?

    Joel Anthony: It's "Joel," man. It's been four months.

    Shaq: That's cool. You ever seen the deleted scenes from the "Steel" DVD?

    Joel Anthony: No, man. You asked me this before. I can't come over

    Shaq: That's cool, bro. I was in "Good Burger," too.

    Joel Anthony: We know, Shaq. Kobe wasn't.

    Shaq: Totally.,63688
    This is the darkest timeline.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Shocking Dialog (NBA Experts Blog @ Yahoo!)

    Shocking dialogue: Zaza Pachulia suspended

    By Kelly Dwyer
    Wednesday, Jan 23, 2008 2:53 pm EST

    Hawks center Zaza Pachulia has been suspended by Atlanta coach Mike Woodson. The Atlanta Journal-Constitution says it's because of an incident that happened in the middle of Atlanta 's loss to the Trail Blazers on Monday, but we know better. The real skirmish went down in practice the next day.
    Obviously, we're well connected, and we've been able to supply the dialogue between coach and the Georgian-born center:

    Hawks coach Mike Woodson: Zaza, can I have a word?

    Hawks center Zaza Pachulia: You can have many words, coach. I always tell you that.

    Woodson: Yeah. Um, we need to talk about your shooting habits. You're shooting a bit too much for my taste.

    Zaza: How do you want to taste?

    Woodson: It's not if ... hmm. Wasn't expecting that response. Anyway, Zaza, we'd like you to focus on shooting less ...

    Zaza: I shoot ball. Watch, I show you!

    Woodson: No need for that, Zaza. It's just that your arms are a little short for your body.

    Zaza: My arms have grown in the years. Orlando were short. They call me, howdoyousay ... baby helicopter. But I no play baby helicopter anymore. ZAZA NO PLAY BABY HELICOPTER ANY MORE! I learn lesson, glare at camera on Media Day.

    Woodson: I remember that, Zaza. You frightened Janet. Hell, you frightened the whole camera crew.

    Zaza: I ask them to take picture of me lifting weights. They take picture. THEY NO TELL ME I HAD NO "PACHULIA" ON THE BACK OF MY JERSEY.

    Woodson: It's OK, Zaza. We know you work out.

    Zaza: But how is everyone else to know?

    Woodson: We'll tell them.

    Zaza: You tell them I have musky, Victor Mature-like presence?

    Woodson: If you shoot less, but rebound and defend more.

    Zaza: You want two things?

    Woodson: Right. Rebounding, and playing defense.

    Zaza: How about shooting, and jump-hooking. Two things!

    Woodson: Not really, Zaza. And really those are only one thing.

    Zaza: Those are only one thing?

    Woodson: Correct.

    Zaza: Why you say "those," then? Plural, no?

    Woodson: No.

    Zaza: No?

    Woodson: Well, yes, but ... let's talk about just the rebounding right now.

    Zaza: I no rebound. I shoot and jump-hook, yes?

    Woodson: Yes, but ... say you were to rebound ...

    Zaza: "You were to rebound." Was you to be repeating, like Funky Cold Medina rhyme?

    Woodson: OK, let's put it this way: you no box out.

    Zaza: I no box out?

    Woodson: Correct.

    Zaza: YOU NO BOX OUT!

    Woodson: That doesn't make any ...

    Zaza: YOU NO BOX OUT!

    (Woodsen slides in front of Zaza, pushes him back with his rear end, and seals him off with his arms.)

    Zaza: You box out!

    Woodson: I box out.

    Zaza: This makes me sad. I lie down.

    Woodson: You can't lie down in practice.

    Zaza: Old coach box Zaza out. Sadness takes form of lethargy.

    Woodson: What?

    Zaza: I'm lying down.

    Woodson: Get up in three seconds, or you're suspended.

    Zaza: Want to play Elliott Smith song ...

    Woodson: Three ...

    Zaza: Today's mood for Zaza? Boxed-out.

    Woodson: Two ...

    Zaza: I'm somewhere else. In front of a fountain. Close to Epcot.

    Woodson: One. You're suspended.,63269
    This is the darkest timeline.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Shocking Dialog (NBA Experts Blog @ Yahoo!)

    Shocking dialogue: Jamaal Tinsley suspended

    By Kelly Dwyer
    Thursday, Jan 17, 2008 10:55 am EST

    From the Indianapolis Star:

    "The Indiana Pacers suspended Jamaal Tinsley for Wednesday night's game against Golden State following an incident during a film session one day earlier, The Star has learned.

    What exactly happened during the session is unknown."

    Not true.

    Pacers coach Jim O'Brien: "Here's where I want you to shoot a three-pointer, squaddle deedle-dee, shoot another three-pointer here, blippity bloop ..."

    Tinsley: "Why'd you have to sit like that?"

    Obie: "Like what?"

    JT: "Like that?"

    Obie: "I'm standing. Like where?"

    JT: "In the coaches photo. You sit, three guys stand to your right, two to your left. It's unseemly. It's off-kilter. Geometrically uncouth. An affront to my sensibilities!"

    Obie: "I don't understand what that has to ..."

    JT: "I come into work almost every day, see that picture hanging in the hallway, and I have to touch 14 doorknobs and David Harrison's neckbeard just to get back to normal."

    Obie: "Like you can talk, remember that Pistons game where you let Jeff Foster touch your head in the first quarter?"

    JT: "Yeah."

    Obie: "Creepy guy went off for nine first half rebounds."

    JT: "Yeah."

    Obie: "Comes off the bench in the third quarter, wants to touch the head again, and what do you do?"

    JT: "Is this about the towel?"

    Obie: "Yeah, ‘it's about the towel.'"

    JT: "I don't understand what the problem is. It was an affront to my sensibilities. It had to stop. Like the dye-job."

    Obie: "What dye-job?"

    JT: "You've been a head coach for seven years now. All this time you've had sideburns the color of cooked halibut, some white directly above it, and then jet-black hair."

    Obie: "First off, quit comparing colors to "cooked halibut." Dunleavy Jr. cried for weeks the first time you tried that. Secondly, yeah, I'm getting older. It's what happens."

    JT: "No, no it's not 'what happens.' If it's 'what happens,' then it would be blended. You don't go from stark white to dark black in half a centimeter. How do you think I feel when Stephen Jackson texts me to tell me that my coach and Bonnie Raitt share a barber? It's an affront to my sensibilities!"

    Obie: "Say that one more time, and you're suspended."

    JT: "A suspension without pay?"

    Obie: "Yes."

    JT: "But that would be an affront to my sensibilities!"

    And ... scene.

    Somebody better get traded soon. I'm all out.,62264
    This is the darkest timeline.

  7. #7
    Fear my small avatar Gyron's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shocking Dialog (NBA Experts Blog @ Yahoo!)

    lol, those are funny.

  8. #8
    NaptownSeth is all feel Naptown_Seth's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shocking Dialog (NBA Experts Blog @ Yahoo!)

    These are all great. My favorite is Jason Kidd.
    Zaza: This makes me sad. I lie down.
    I said that last night at the game. Aisles are sticky, ushers are rude.
    Last edited by Naptown_Seth; 01-30-2008 at 02:53 PM.

  9. #9
    It Might Be a Soft J JayRedd's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shocking Dialog (NBA Experts Blog @ Yahoo!)

    Looks like Thorn is talking to Isiah now.,64370
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  10. #10
    All is full of Orange! Mourning's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shocking Dialog (NBA Experts Blog @ Yahoo!)

    I love the one between Zo and Shaq, but especially the one between Nellie and Chris Webber
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  11. #11
    Member Since86's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shocking Dialog (NBA Experts Blog @ Yahoo!)

    After many years of watching JT play, I doubt he has much geometry sense.

    Dude thinks the ball will go in the basket without every clearing the height of the rim.

  12. #12
    Member LG33's Avatar
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    Default Re: Shocking Dialog (NBA Experts Blog @ Yahoo!)

    Zaza sounds a lot like StankoLover316.

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