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Thread: F everything, we're doing five blades

  1. #1
    Member McClintic Sphere's Avatar
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    Default F everything, we're doing five blades

    It appears Gillette is really getting down to brass tacks now and is tired of p*ssy footing around:

    By James M. Kilts
    CEO and President,
    The Gillette Company
    February 18, 2004 | Issue 40•07

    Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the *****ing vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened—the b*stards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our ***** in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, f#ck it. We're going to five blades.
    Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!
    You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a *****. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? *****, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.
    What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best *****ing razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.
    Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my *** with it. They don't tell me what to invent—I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!
    You're taking the "safety" part of "safety razor" too literally, grandma. Cut the strings and soar. Let's hit it. Let's roll. This is our chance to make razor history. Let's dream big. All you have to do is say that five blades can happen, and it will happen. If you aren't on board, then ***** you. And if you're on the board, then ***** you and your father. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the five-blade razor becomes the shaving tool for the U.S. of "this is how we shave now" A.
    People said we couldn't go to three. It'll cost a fortune to manufacture, they said. Well, we did it. Now some egghead in a lab is screaming "Five's crazy?" Well, perhaps he'd be more comfortable in the labs at Norelco, working on *****ing electrics. Rotary blades, my white a*s!
    Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we should just ride in Bic's wake and make pens. Ha! Not on your *****ing life! The day I shadow a penny-ante outfit like Bic is the day I leave the razor game for good, and that won't happen until the day I die!
    The market? Listen, we make the market. All we have to do is put her out there with a little jingle. It's as easy as, "Hey, shaving with anything less than five blades is like scraping your beard off with a dull hatchet." Or "You'll be so smooth, I could snort lines off of your chin." Try "Your neck is going to be so friggin' soft, someone's gonna walk up and tie a ******* Cub Scout kerchief under it."
    I know what you're thinking now: What'll people say? Mew mew mew. Oh, no, what will people say?! Grow the ***** up. When you're on top, people talk. That's the price you pay for being on top. Which Gillette is, always has been, and forever shall be, Amen, five blades, sweet Jesus in heaven.
    Stop. I just had a stroke of genius. Are you ready? Open your mouth, baby birds, cause Mama's about to drop you one sweet, fat nightcrawler. Here she comes: Put another aloe strip on that ****er, too. That's right. Five blades, two strips, and make the second one lather. You heard me—the second strip lathers. It's a whole new way to think about shaving. Don't question it. Don't say a word. Just key the music, and call the chorus girls, because we're on the edge—the razor's edge—and I feel like dancing.
    http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33930

  2. #2

    Default Re: F everything, we're doing five blades

    This is pretty old, but it is funny as hell. I have it saved in my favorites.

  3. #3
    Go Colts! Shade's Avatar
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    Default Re: F everything, we're doing five blades


  4. #4

    Default Re: F everything, we're doing five blades

    Knock the new 5 blader all you want, but it's by far the best razor ever built.

    I could only shave once every three days before with the Mach 3 (and I won't get into many details here, but my girlish sensitive skin is in good shape), and I've been shaving every day for months with the Fusion.

  5. #5
    ENABEABLER MagicRat's Avatar
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    Default Re: F everything, we're doing five blades

    Quote Originally Posted by btowncolt
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    Knock the new 5 blader all you want, but it's by far the best razor ever built.

    I could only shave once every three days before with the Mach 3 (and I won't get into many details here, but my girlish sensitive skin is in good shape), and with that thing I've been shaving every day for months with the Fusion.
    I agree. I got a free one in the mail when it was being launched and it's sweet. I've yet to nick myself with that thing...........
    PSN: MRat731 XBL: MRat0731

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    Member SycamoreKen's Avatar
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    Default Re: F everything, we're doing five blades

    I love the Mach 3 since it is the best shave I've ever had and the blades last forever. I haven't dropped the extra change for the new one yet. Does the new one rinse out as easy as the 3 does?

  7. #7
    Member Vicious Tyrant's Avatar
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    Default Re: F everything, we're doing five blades

    While I agree the Mach 3 is a nice razor that rinses nicely, those blades are so freakin' EXPENSIVE! Haven't tried the Fusion and don't really care to consider taking out whatever second mortgage it would cost me to afford THOSE blades.

    I think my Gilette Sensor give the best price/performance value. I do hate rinsing that sucker out, though. My thick manly hairs get all clogged up in there if I skip a day.
    "If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you." - Jack Handy

  8. #8
    Member McClintic Sphere's Avatar
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    Default Re: F everything, we're doing five blades

    I tried to use an electric for a while and that's like trying to cut down a forest with a dull-bladed lawn mower.

  9. #9
    Member SycamoreKen's Avatar
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    Default Re: F everything, we're doing five blades

    Quote Originally Posted by Vicious Tyrant
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    While I agree the Mach 3 is a nice razor that rinses nicely, those blades are so freakin' EXPENSIVE! Haven't tried the Fusion and don't really care to consider taking out whatever second mortgage it would cost me to afford THOSE blades.

    I think my Gilette Sensor give the best price/performance value. I do hate rinsing that sucker out, though. My thick manly hairs get all clogged up in there if I skip a day.
    I used to use the Sensor as well, but the Mach 3 blades last me a good 2 weeks with me shaving every day except Saturday. I buy 4 every other month.

  10. #10
    Tree People to the Core! indygeezer's Avatar
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    Default Re: F everything, we're doing five blades

    Quote Originally Posted by SycamoreKen
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    I used to use the Sensor as well, but the Mach 3 blades last me a good 2 weeks with me shaving every day except Saturday. I buy 4 every other month.
    I HATE SHAVING PERIOD...so paying MONEY for blades really burned my arse. Birthdays or Christmas whenever....GET ME A PACK OF SENSOR BLADES.

    Then I got a new Remington electric and I only use the safety razor occasionally now. Key to an electric razor is to use a pre-shave and to let it dry before shaving.

    now I've been told that girls really like a man with a shaved (@@@@@@@) tell me young'uns is this true? And why didn't they tell me this YEARS ago, when it mighta been useful info???
    If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around..

  11. #11
    Go Colts! Shade's Avatar
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    Default Re: F everything, we're doing five blades

    I use the Mach 3 but have to shave every 2-3 days. Maybe I'll try the five-blader if I can afford it. I'm sure it's as expensive as hell.

  12. #12
    Member pollardfreek's Avatar
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    Default Re: F everything, we're doing five blades

    I haven't shaved in 2 months. It's been the greatest two months of my life. Do yourselves a favor and grow a beard.

  13. #13
    Member Vicious Tyrant's Avatar
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    Default Re: F everything, we're doing five blades

    Quote Originally Posted by pollardfreek
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    I haven't shaved in 2 months. It's been the greatest two months of my life. Do yourselves a favor and grow a beard.
    Thanks for the tip, Grizzly Adams, but I think I need to think of the lay-dies.
    "If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you." - Jack Handy

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    Member Since86's Avatar
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    Default Re: F everything, we're doing five blades

    Quote Originally Posted by indygeezer
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    now I've been told that girls really like a man with a shaved (@@@@@@@) tell me young'uns is this true? And why didn't they tell me this YEARS ago, when it mighta been useful info???

    Is the seven lettered word a proper term, and not any type of slang? I think I know what you're asking, but I need clarification.

  15. #15

    Default Re: F everything, we're doing five blades

    I don't want to think about Indygeezer trying to shave his @@@@@@@.

  16. #16
    Fear my small avatar Gyron's Avatar
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    Default Re: F everything, we're doing five blades

    All I can think about when geez says that is the scene in Austin powers when Dr. Evil is talking about his ritualisticlly shaved @@@@@@@.

  17. #17
    Member pollardfreek's Avatar
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    Default Re: F everything, we're doing five blades

    Quote Originally Posted by Vicious Tyrant
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    Thanks for the tip, Grizzly Adams, but I think I need to think of the lay-dies.
    Try this one. Works every time:

    "Hey girl, so uh, how'd you like to have this beard between yo legs?"

  18. #18
    Member McClintic Sphere's Avatar
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    Default Re: F everything, we're doing five blades

    Only 7 ampersands long? Try the ampersand pump. It really works!!

  19. #19
    Thanks Kesty! Pig Nash's Avatar
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    Default Re: F everything, we're doing five blades

    & This is an ampersand.

    @ This is an at symbol.

  20. #20

    Default Re: F everything, we're doing five blades

    This is a pony.

  21. #21
    Member McClintic Sphere's Avatar
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    Default Re: F everything, we're doing five blades

    He would have been better off using a pilcrow ( ¶ )

  22. #22
    Fear my small avatar Gyron's Avatar
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    Default Re: F everything, we're doing five blades

    Does anyone else not find it surprising that Btown has screenshots of a Dress-up "My Little Pony" video game?

  23. #23

    Default Re: F everything, we're doing five blades

    Does anyone not find it surprising that typing "Gyron" into google returns a picture of two small *****?


  24. #24
    Tree People to the Core! indygeezer's Avatar
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    Default Re: F everything, we're doing five blades

    Quote Originally Posted by btowncolt
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    Does anyone not find it surprising that typing "Gyron" into google returns a picture of two small *****?


    one of which is droopy and obviously nothing to crow about.














    ya still ain't answered my question.
    If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around..

  25. #25

    Default Re: F everything, we're doing five blades

    What exactly are you implying we enjoy shaving? I have many places with uncomfortable hair.

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