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Thread: Rules to live by 2006

  1. #1

    Default Rules to live by 2006

    new rules for 2006---got this in an email but some are pretty funny.

    From Bill Maher I think

    New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a
    reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
    particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
    football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

    New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
    you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
    found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
    did you expect it to contain? Trout?

    New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
    blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for thesekids: lucky bastages.

    New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
    you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

    New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
    about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

    New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
    of this crap at the supermarket water, but without that watery taste.
    Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

    New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
    redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his arse will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

    New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
    arsehole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge arsehole.

    New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
    card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

    New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
    make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***. And it
    translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
    spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
    spiritual. You're just high.

    New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
    sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
    watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
    What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
    It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

    New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
    I'll go nuts and eat two.

    New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
    television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
    so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the
    reason something was a television show in the first place is that the
    idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

    New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
    weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
    Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
    isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

    New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
    After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

    New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
    months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
    And I didn't really care in the first place.
    The poster "pacertom" since this forum began (and before!). I changed my name here to "Slick Pinkham" in honor of the imaginary player That Bobby "Slick" Leonard picked late in the 1971 ABA draft (true story!)

  2. #2
    #PacerNation 317Kim's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rules to live by 2006



    My Favorites,
    New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
    redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his arse will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

    New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
    arsehole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge arsehole.
    Oh yeah, Dasani has new flavored water. It tastes like carbonated water plus kool-aid.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Rules to live by 2006

    Nice - a few of those actually had me Laughing out loud.....

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