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Thread: Only in America!

  1. #1
    Hi! pacercoltfan's Avatar
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    Talking Only in America!

    http://jokes.comedycentral.com/resul...ail.asp?id=933

    Things Found Only in America

    1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house
    faster than an ambulance.

    2. Only in America......are there handicap parking
    places in front of a skating rink.

    3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk
    all the way to the back of the store to get their
    prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at
    the front.

    4. Only in America......do people order double cheese
    burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

    5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the
    vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

    6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands
    of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in
    the garage.

    7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to
    screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss
    a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the
    first place.

    8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages
    of ten and buns in packages of eight.

    9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to
    describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning
    'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

    10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM
    machines with Braille lettering

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    2007 Super Bowl XLI Champions!

  2. #2
    #PacerNation 317Kim's Avatar
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    Default Re: Only in America!



    Those are great! One of my favorites:

    "4. Only in America......do people order double cheese
    burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke."

  3. #3
    Hi! pacercoltfan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Only in America!

    I like this one too!

    5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the
    vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.



    Better not try to steal their pens!
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    2007 Super Bowl XLI Champions!

  4. #4
    #PacerNation 317Kim's Avatar
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    Default Re: Only in America!



    I thought I told you that it was a SECRET.

  5. #5
    Hi! pacercoltfan's Avatar
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    Default Re: Only in America!

    How about this one!

    http://www.internationalbasketball.c...ballhumor.html
    You know you are totally and hopelessly
    addicted to basketball when...

    -You’re asked in a spelling bee contest to spell Krzyzewsky, Gheorghe, Gugliotta, Marciulionis, Jacikevicius, Ilgauskas and Szczerbiak… and you spell each and every name perfectly right. What's more, you spell Tomjanovich with an 'h' and Rakocevic without one...

    -You honestly believe Bill Bradley has just about a 50:50 fair chance to become the next President of the United States, with George Bush trailing a distant second with just a 26% chance....

    -You are outraged with so many 'phony' basketball fans who start leaving the game full three minutes before the final whistle...

    particularly as you yourself have the odd habit of arriving a full hour before start of any game and refusing to quite the stands till the last second when they start switching off the lights...

    -You think Shaq raps better than Dr. Dre and LL Cool J and acts better than Jack Nicholson and Denzel Washington...

    and it's celebration time in your home every game Shaquille's free throw percentage rate jumps to double figures...

    -You paint your room orange with just some abrupt lines of black here and there

    You know you are totally and hopelessly
    addicted to basketball when...

    -You never read books. Actually never, until NBA launched its "Read to Achieve" campaign... Now you read 10 books a month!

    -You think your kid has a decent one in five chance to make it to the NBA, because he plays basketball soooooo well. You constantly motivate him by saying: "Look my son. If LeBron can make it, so can you. Just train, train, train, and it will surely happen..."

    -You think life is so unfair to the poor Toronto Raptors players with all those exorbitant taxes they have to pay to the Canadian government.

    -You write Commissioner Stern suggesting NBA franchises must be established in every US city that has a population over 100,000. Hawaii and Anchorage should not be denied this time.

    ...Next stage? In a true spirit of NAFTA, you campaign for ten new NBA franchises each for Canada and Mexico.

    You know you are totally and hopelessly
    addicted to basketball when...

    -You only buy "Sports Illustrated" issues when they have a basketball cover on.

    -Your friend asks what contemporary American museums he should visit while visiting the States and you suggest James Naismith Memorial Hall of Fame as the best choice.

    -You’ve got two television sets put side by side in your living room: one to watch your 900 channel cable and satellite programming, the other to watch NBA TV.

    -You suggest MIT takes over the publication of the "Journal of Basketball Studies"

    -When, according to you, the most famous international name abbreviations, and in no particular preference order are: USA, UK, UN, UNESCO, UNICEF, WHO, ABA, CBA, CBL, ABL, BBL, IBL, EBA, GBA, NBA, NBL, NBDL, NCAA, NJCAA, NRL, JUCO, NAIA, WNBA, WPBL, WBL, WBA, PBA, PBL, MBA, NBL, UBA, UBL, USBL, UPBL, SEBL, XBL, FIBA, WABA, COPABA, DIBF, IWBF, USADB.

    -Your geography teacher asks for a class presentation and you entitle your subject: The land His Airness made famous.

    -You wore a black tie as a sign of mourning for a full month after Indianapolis 2002.

    -You readily coughed up with $29.99 and bought a German pronunciation guide just to check how to pronounce the name - Nowitzki or Novitzki.

    -Your heart pounds so hard you can hardly say hi to your favorite basketball player

    -After games, you never go down to the floor fearing you may unnecessarily cause damage to the basketball court floor...

    -You nominate Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears as the next basketball sensation duo after Kobe and Shaq.

    -5ive remains your all-time favorite music band and Jay-Z your favorite rapper.

    You know you are totally and hopelessly
    addicted to basketball when...

    -Your basketball team is down by twenty five points and there's 1 minute 10 remaining on the clock. You get two free throws and you make both of them believing this will fire up your team and give them a decent chance to catch on… Then you look around and there’s nobody left on the stands... and half your teammates have already hit the dressing room...

    -You endlessly argue with your English language teacher about the merits of using or not using a hyphen in Shareef Abdur-Rahim's name, while he is responding to you: Yes but who is Shareef Abdur-Rahim anyway?

    -After seeing the movie “O”, you genuinely surprise yourself and your literary friends with the conviction that in his time, Othello was indeed an accomplished basketball athlete...
    …and you contemplate on the possibility that the multi-talented William Shakespeare possibly created the game of basketball himself and that James Naismith just stole the idea from one of William Shakespeare’s obscure works.

    -You reluctantly admit that once or twice every 4 years or so, you are caught watching some few minutes of Formula 1, Wimbledon tennis, perhaps some brief highlights of Super Bowl or FIFA World Championship action. But you add, not to worry, still no sport impressed you much and that nothing can take the place of basketball in your heart...

    -You think "Basketball Digest" is the publication that sells the most worldwide, and that it is published in 38 languages no less.

    -You know all there is to know about Earl the Goat Manigault, but you've never heard about Michael Owen or David Beckham.

    -Asked about the name of the most famous Chinese communist leader, you respond that his name is Yao Tse-Tung.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    2007 Super Bowl XLI Champions!

  6. #6
    #PacerNation 317Kim's Avatar
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    Default Re: Only in America!

    -You’re asked in a spelling bee contest to spell Krzyzewsky, Gheorghe, Gugliotta, Marciulionis, Jacikevicius, Ilgauskas and Szczerbiak… and you spell each and every name perfectly right. What's more, you spell Tomjanovich with an 'h' and Rakocevic without one...
    It's actually Jasikevicius.

    -You are outraged with so many 'phony' basketball fans who start leaving the game full three minutes before the final whistle...

    particularly as you yourself have the odd habit of arriving a full hour before start of any game and refusing to quite the stands till the last second when they start switching off the lights...
    Very true!

    PERFECT! I NEED TO KEEP A COPY OF THIS!

  7. #7
    flexible and robust SoupIsGood's Avatar
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    Default Re: Only in America!

    Quote Originally Posted by PaCeRs_GuRL
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    It's actually Jasikevicius.



    Dork!
    You, Never? Did the Kenosha Kid?

  8. #8
    #PacerNation 317Kim's Avatar
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    Default Re: Only in America!

    Quote Originally Posted by SoupIsGood
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote


    Dork!
    Indeed

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Only in America!

    Good read thanks man and there were a few there that I must admit I am so I guess that means I like the NBA or something? Who knows

  10. #10
    Hi! pacercoltfan's Avatar
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    Talking Re: Only in America!

    Here's a football joke!

    http://www.sportsjokes.co.uk/jokes/a...ll/index.shtml

    American football jokes, american football humour and comedy.

    Our offensive line was so good that even our backs couldn't get through it.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Football is a game of inches, and that's how some teams move the ball.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    As John Madden says, "If you see a defensive line with a lot of dirt on their backs, they've had a bad day."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Our linebacker is so strong he can pitch horseshoes while they're still on the horse.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    We play in a dome stadium. We always prefer to kick with the air-conditioning at our backs.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I thought one of the linemen had a tattoo on his leg but it turned out to be a government meat inspection stamp.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    He's so huge, instead of a number he should have a license plate.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The coach was marching on the field alongside the band. A majorette threw her baton in the air and then dropped it. A fan yelled, "Hey, I see you coach the band, too."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Did you hear about the world's dumbest center? They had to stencil on his pants: This End Up. On his shoes they put, T. G. I. F., "Toes go in first."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I say let's make football more entertaining and give the quarterback something else to think about. Let's arm each middle linebacker with a coconut custard pie.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Some chickens were in a yard when a football flew over the fence. A rooster walked by and said, "I'm not complaining, girls, but look at the work they're doing next door!"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The coach says his favorite play is the one where one of our players pitches the ball back to the official after he has scored a touchdown.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The coach was always a step ahead of all opposing coaches. When they started the two-platoon system, he had a three-platoon system one on offense, one on defense, and one to go to classes.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Our quarterback knows how to do everything with a football except autograph it.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I gave up my hope of being a star halfback the second day of practice. One tackle grabbed my left leg, another grabbed my right leg, and the linebacker looked at me and said, "Make a wish!"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Pro linemen are so huge that it takes just four of them to make a dozen.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Our players have a lot on the ball. Unfortunately, it's never their hands.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    He wore number 53. Unfortunately, that was his combined SAT score.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    We were in a really tough game. Our quarterback started praying, and we heard a distant voice say, "Please don't include me in this."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    That linebacker has rung so many bells he has a fan club consisting entirely of Avon ladies.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    We have lots of veterans on this year's squad. Too bad they're all from World War II.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The place kicker missed his attempt at a field goal. He was so angry, he went to kick himself and missed again.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    They call it their nickel defense, because that's what it's worth.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Wife to friend:"The most exciting play of the season was when Fred sat on the cheese dip."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I would have played football, but I have an intestinal problem - no guts.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I knew that he was on steroids. His I.Q. and neck size were the same number.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "I know I told you that I loved you more than football, honey, but that was during the strike."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Wife: "It's Super Monday. Football season is over!"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    You know that your coaching job is in trouble when the marching band forms a noose at half-time.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Old quarterbacks never die. They just pass away.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    We have so many players on the disabled list the team bus can park in a handicapped space.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    This team employs their famous "Doughnut Defense" the one with the big hole in the middle.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    This year I can assure you that we are going to move the ball. I just hope that it's forward.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The only way they can gain yardage is to run their game films backward.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Husband: "Hey, Marie, do you have anything you want to say before the football season starts?"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    He retired due to illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of his coaching.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    2007 Super Bowl XLI Champions!

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