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Thread: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

  1. #26
    flexible and robust SoupIsGood's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    You, Never? Did the Kenosha Kid?

  2. #27
    Priviledged Member SamBear's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Quote Originally Posted by SoupIsGood
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    Actually I stole it from SR. I hope SamBear doesn't mind.
    Nope... as long as you didn't mind my pony picture....

  3. #28
    Junior Member The Toxic Avenger's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Three turtles are making their way down an old road and they come across a trash bag. They rip it open and among its contents is a huge Pb&J Sandwich. They are all practically drooling at the idea of eating when the one of them says "Hey, Were gonna need something to drink."

    After some debate and a little argueing the smallest one agrees to go back down the road a few miles to grab some drinks BUT only IF they wait until he gets back to eat.

    An entire day passes and he is nowhere in sight... two days and still nothing...

    The two turtles are starving but a promise is a promise so they wait...

    Three days... Nothing...

    A promise is a promise

    A week passes and the turtles are starving!!!!

    They decide that something must've happened to their friend and that they are going to need their strength to save him... So they really NEED to eat it now... so they unrap it and get ready to chow when the smallest turtle appears from behind a bush- "I KNEW you guys would'nt wait on me... Just for that I'M not going."

    ________________________

    It was funny when I heard it... Not so much when written

  4. #29
    Hi! pacercoltfan's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Quote Originally Posted by SoupIsGood
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    What's the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?




    Everyone can roast Beef.



    Sorry, that was lame.
    I got one that's worse.

    Why did the boy put his father in the refridgerator?

    He wanted a cold pop!

    Why does the refridgerator have band-aids all over it?

    Because it has cold cuts!

    Lame I know.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    2007 Super Bowl XLI Champions!

  5. #30
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    A guy walks down the street next to a mental hospital with a large wooden fence around it.. Behind the fence, he can faitly hear people whispering "thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen..." Curious to know what is going on, he looks for a way to see in. After a diligent search he finally finds a knothole in one of the boards. As he carefully puts his eye up to the knothole, a large finger comes out and pokes him hard in the eye. He hears a shout, then the chant "fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."
    "It's wanting to know that makes us matter."
    -- Tom Stoppard, Arcadia

  6. #31
    Fear my small avatar Gyron's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    A blond riding the commuter train one night is reading the front page of a newspaper and see's a headline that reads "2 Brazilian Soldiers killed in attack". She comments " oh that's awful!" Then she turns to the gentleman next to her and asks "How many is a brazilian?"

  7. #32
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Love joke threads. Especially featuring my friend, Little Johnny - this one's better when verbal but I'll bold where you place emphasis (can't help with the hand gestures).

    Little Johnny and his family are very traditional. Every Sunday when they get home from Church, Little Johnny's mother likes to prepare a very nice, formal dinner for the family. However Little Johnny, being a young, rambunctious fellow, always gets in the way, running around, not letting Mom concentrate on preparing and setting a wonderful meal.

    So Little Johnny's father always takes him for a walk along the trails in the forest that borders their back yard.

    One spring Sunday, Little Johnny and his father are out, walking along the forest path. It's a beautiful day. The sun is shining, birds are singing, the flowers have just started to bloom and give off a wonderful aroma. As they're walking, Little Johnny notices a butterfly. The butterfly is flying around, seeming to focus in front of Johnny's face. As Johnny's father smiles lovingly at his son, Little Johnny watches, seemingly entranced. He slowly brings his hands up as if to gently embrace the butterfly and is just about to capture it when SLAP! he claps his hands together and kills the butterfly, deader than hell.

    Johnny's father looks down at his son disapprovingly. "Now Johnny, that was a case of cruel and senseless violence. And so you remember this, you won't get any butter for a whole year."

    Little Johnny and his father continue walking down the forest path. Suddnly a fruit fly begins to dart in front of Johnny's face. Once again Johnny brings his hands up slowly and SLAP! he claps his hand together and kills the fruit fly, deader than hell.

    Once again' Johnny's father disciplines his son. Firmly but gently he says, "Now Johnny, that was another case of cruel and senseless violence. Just for that, you won't get any fruit for a whole year."

    Johnny and his father continue walking down the forest path. Soon a honey bee flies in front of Johnny's face. Once again, Johnny's hands rise slowly until suddenly SLAP! he kills the honey bee, deader than hell.

    Johnny's father looks at him and again says, "Now Johnny, that was another case of cruel and senseless violence. Just for that, you don't get any honey for a whole year."

    Well, later that day Johnny, his mother and his father sit down to Sunday dinner. As usual, it's a wonderful sight. The food smells wonderful, the presentation is immaculate with sparkling crystal, shining dinner plates, a gorgeous centerpiece all on a pristine, alabaster table cloth.

    Johnny's mother looks up and sees a cockroach crawling across the dining room table. She reaches out and SLAP! she kills the cockroach, deader than hell.

    Johnny looks across the table at his father, smiles and says, "OK Dad, should you tell her, or should I?"

    edit: Sorry - it wouldn't let me bold the first syllable in cockroach.
    The poster formerly known as Rimfire

  8. #33
    #PacerNation 317Kim's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    anyone remember the Buttitches joke??

  9. #34
    flexible and robust SoupIsGood's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Alright, so there's two muffins in an oven.


    They're both sitting there, slowly baking.


    And one muffin says to the other "God Damn, it's hot in here!"





    And the other muffin replies "HOLY CRAP, a talking muffin!"
    You, Never? Did the Kenosha Kid?

  10. #35
    flexible and robust SoupIsGood's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Quote Originally Posted by PaCeRs_GuRL
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    anyone remember the Buttitches joke??


    Hehehehh
    You, Never? Did the Kenosha Kid?

  11. #36
    #PacerNation 317Kim's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    do you!?!?

  12. #37
    beaversnducks311
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

    "Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

    "Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."

    "I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagall. "I'd like to play him."

    Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

    So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

  13. #38
    #PacerNation 317Kim's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    WOW!

  14. #39
    flexible and robust SoupIsGood's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one, Kanye West has a short one, and Madonna doesn't have one...



    What is it?








    A last name.
    You, Never? Did the Kenosha Kid?

  15. #40
    Hi! pacercoltfan's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Quote Originally Posted by SoupIsGood
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    Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one, Kanye West has a short one, and Madonna doesn't have one...



    What is it?








    A last name.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    2007 Super Bowl XLI Champions!

  16. #41
    flexible and robust SoupIsGood's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    A little story...





    LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME. AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

    I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL
    REMEMBER.

    MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT. AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

    I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

    I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!"

    WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY. ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

    I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?" SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

    AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHTBACK."

    "OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

    SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

    AND I JUST SAT THERE...



    ON THE COUCH...



    NAKED.
    You, Never? Did the Kenosha Kid?

  17. #42
    #PacerNation 317Kim's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Quote Originally Posted by SoupIsGood
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one, Kanye West has a short one, and Madonna doesn't have one...



    What is it?








    A last name.


    Wow dont know why I laughed soo hard but i did.

  18. #43
    #PacerNation 317Kim's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Quote Originally Posted by SoupIsGood
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    A little story...





    LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME. AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

    I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL
    REMEMBER.

    MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT. AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

    I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

    I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!"

    WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY. ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

    I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?" SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

    AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHTBACK."

    "OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

    SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

    AND I JUST SAT THERE...



    ON THE COUCH...



    NAKED.

    Wow! Did that really happen to someone? thats pretty funny!

    Wife's expression :

    Kids' expression:

  19. #44
    Member Evan_The_Dude's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Q: How come a redneck homicide is never solved?

    A: Because the DNA is all the same and there's no dental records.

  20. #45
    Member Evan_The_Dude's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Quote Originally Posted by SoupIsGood
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    A little story...





    LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME. AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

    I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL
    REMEMBER.

    MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT. AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

    I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

    I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!"

    WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY. ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

    I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?" SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

    AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHTBACK."

    "OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

    SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

    AND I JUST SAT THERE...



    ON THE COUCH...



    NAKED.
    Man.... wow

    The wife would never let you forget that one either.

  21. #46
    thought_criminal
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Why did the girl fall off the swing?


    She didn't have any arms.

  22. #47
    Thanks Kesty! Pig Nash's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Quote Originally Posted by SoupIsGood
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one, Kanye West has a short one, and Prince doesn't have one...



    What is it?








    A last name.

    There, I fixed it.

  23. #48
    flexible and robust SoupIsGood's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Why did Ron Artest leave the game early?





    Because he wanted to beat the crowd.




    (Sorry)
    You, Never? Did the Kenosha Kid?

  24. #49
    #PacerNation 317Kim's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Quote Originally Posted by SoupIsGood
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    Why did Ron Artest leave the game early?





    Because he wanted to beat the crowd.




    (Sorry)
    it was wrong but HILARIOUS!

  25. #50
    flexible and robust SoupIsGood's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Some quotes


    "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.


    That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.


    " It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

    If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
    You, Never? Did the Kenosha Kid?

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