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Thread: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

  1. #1
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    Talking The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    I'll kick things off.

    I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.



  2. #2
    flexible and robust SoupIsGood's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    What's the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?




    Everyone can roast Beef.



    Sorry, that was lame.
    You, Never? Did the Kenosha Kid?

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    2014 IKL Champion DrBadd01's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    a childs soul was actioned off today. the winner was a catholic priest. When asked about what he would do with his winnings he had two words: No Comment. He plans to play for his winnings with the money he won from a action. The winning numbers. . . . 6,6,6,9

  4. #4

    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    I'm going to butcher this. You've been warned.

    --------

    Three penguins walk into a bar.

    The bartender asks the first penguin his name. Penguin says "George." Bartender asks George what he's been doing today. George says, "ah, not much, just riding my bicycle."

    The bartender asks the second penguin his name. Penguin says "Larry." Bartender asks Larry what he's been doing today. Larry says, "ah, not much, just riding my bicycle."

    The bartender asks the third penguin his name. Penguin says "Bicycle."

    --------

    Here's the problem. When I heard this, I was half-lit. It was told by a guy completely drunk. And he told it much, much better.

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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    *attempts to resuscitate thread*

    Charging..... CLEAR! *shock*


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    Fear my small avatar Gyron's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    A man moves from the city to the country, tired of the rat race and wanting to get back to a simple life.

    He goes out into his yard shortly after he moves in to rakes the leaves freshly fallen from the trees. As he is raking he sees his nearest neighbor walking over from the farm house in the distance.

    When the neighbor reaches him, the neighbor says "Howdy!"
    The man replys "Hello".

    The neighbor says "I'm having a party tonight and wanted to invite you."
    The man says "Why thank you!"

    The neighbor says "You like to drink?"
    The guy says, "Well I've been known to knock one or two back"

    The neighbor says, "You like to dance?"
    The guy laughs and says, "Well I've cut a rug or two in my time."

    The neighbor says "You like to fight?"
    The guy shocked says "Well, I guess I can hold my own"

    Then the neighbor finally asks, "You like to have sex?"
    The guy laughs again and responds, "Never been one to turn it down"

    Then the nieghbor turns and says "See you tonight!"

    The guy says " Hey wait! What should I wear?"

    The neighbor responds, "Don't matter, Just gonna be you and me!"



    Ok, You have to tell it with the neihgbor with a hick accent, but when told right, I've always found it hilarious!

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    Member Knucklehead Warrior's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    A traveling salesman is out on a country road when he sees a pig with a wooden leg. Thinking this is unusual, he goes to investigate and knocks on the farmhouse door.

    Salesman: Hey what's the deal with the pig with the wooden leg?

    Farmer: Well, last summer the farmhouse caught on fire and that pig jumped into the house through a window and saved my little girl. Then a couple months ago, I had an accident on the tractor. That pig ran to the house and dialed 911, saved my life.

    Salesman: Well, that's all very commendable behavior, but it doesn't explain why he has a wooden leg.

    Farmer: Sure it does. Ya see, when you have an animal that extraordinary, you don't want to eat him all at once.


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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    A young polar bear walks up to his dad one day and asks, “Dad, am I a pure polar bear—you know, not part black bear, brown bear, or grizzly bear?”

    “Why no, son. You come from a long line of proud and strong polar bears. Why do you ask?”

    “Because I’m ****in’ cold.”

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    Mjolnir Diamond Dave's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    3 Crappy Quick Ones:

    A string walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says "I'm sorry, you'll have to leave, we don't serve your kind here." The string walks outside, ties himself into a knot and frays his edges, and then walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him and says "Hey, aren't you that string I just kicked out of here?" The string says "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

    A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"

    A man walks into a doctor's office with a frog on his head. The doctor says "What seems to be the problem?" The frog says "I'm not sure, it started out as bump on my ***."




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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”

    Har De Har Har

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    Member pollardfreek's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    What's the difference between a trampoline and a baby?

    You take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline.

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    Member Vicious Tyrant's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
    Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
    Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
    Man: "What sins?"
    Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
    Man: "I'm Jewish."
    Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
    Man: "I'm telling everybody"
    "If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you." - Jack Handy

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    Member Vicious Tyrant's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    OK, forgive me, but one more. long but worth the time. I read this on another board and they were trying to make some point about women being equal to men or something. I didn't get the point, but the story had me peeing my pants:




    A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These
    highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and
    background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

    After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and
    testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but
    only one position was available.

    The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely
    secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a
    large metal door and handed him a gun.

    We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
    circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife
    sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

    The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I
    could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely
    not the right man for this job then."

    So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must
    know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they
    explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a
    chair. Take this gun and kill her."

    The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in
    the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.

    The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I
    just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right
    man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes.
    Take your wife and go home."

    Now they're down to the woman left to test.

    Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same
    gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the
    circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband
    sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

    The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all
    the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13
    shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for
    several minutes, then all went quiet.

    The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from
    her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I
    had to beat him to death with the chair!"
    "If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you." - Jack Handy

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    Member pollardfreek's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Could you imagine how awkward it would've have been if you tried to shoot your wife but it was just blanks? Anyways, I've got another joke:

    What's the difference between a dead baby and a peanut butter cup?

    The dead baby doesn't stick to the roof of your mouth.

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    Fear my small avatar Gyron's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Pollard freak, Im a little worried about you and those dead baby "jokes".....

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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gyron
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    A man moves from the city to the country, tired of the rat race and wanting to get back to a simple life.

    He goes out into his yard shortly after he moves in to rakes the leaves freshly fallen from the trees. As he is raking he sees his nearest neighbor walking over from the farm house in the distance.

    When the neighbor reaches him, the neighbor says "Howdy!"
    The man replys "Hello".

    The neighbor says "I'm having a party tonight and wanted to invite you."
    The man says "Why thank you!"

    The neighbor says "You like to drink?"
    The guy says, "Well I've been known to knock one or two back"

    The neighbor says, "You like to dance?"
    The guy laughs and says, "Well I've cut a rug or two in my time."

    The neighbor says "You like to fight?"
    The guy shocked says "Well, I guess I can hold my own"

    Then the neighbor finally asks, "You like to have sex?"
    The guy laughs again and responds, "Never been one to turn it down"

    Then the nieghbor turns and says "See you tonight!"

    The guy says " Hey wait! What should I wear?"

    The neighbor responds, "Don't matter, Just gonna be you and me!"



    Ok, You have to tell it with the neihgbor with a hick accent, but when told right, I've always found it hilarious!

    I just listened to "Tom Whiskey" tell that story from one of my old Bob and Tom CDs. Classic.
    Why do the things that we treasure most, slip away in time
    Till to the music we grow deaf, to God's beauty blind
    Why do the things that connect us slowly pull us apart?
    Till we fall away in our own darkness, a stranger to our own hearts
    And life itself, rushing over me
    Life itself, the wind in black elms,
    Life itself in your heart and in your eyes, I can't make it without you


  17. #17
    flexible and robust SoupIsGood's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Someone's experience at Wal-Mart.

    Quote Originally Posted by A Wal-Mart Story
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    I know a dept. mgr. that recieved a call on the walkie that a woman was on the phone who wanted a price on thumbtacks so she picked up the phone and asked the lady if she needed the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you have to hammer in. To which the lady replied "I don't think it's any of your business" so the dept. mgr. said it makes a difference in the price the woman could'nt believe her and was confused the mgr. said that the heavier thumbtacks are more expensive and the customer blew up on her saying "I said TAMPAX not thumbtacks you idiot"
    You, Never? Did the Kenosha Kid?

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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Admit it, that was you. Was the manager mad?

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    flexible and robust SoupIsGood's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hicks
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    Admit it, that was you. Was the manager mad?


    Actually I stole it from SR. I hope SamBear doesn't mind.
    You, Never? Did the Kenosha Kid?

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    flexible and robust SoupIsGood's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Add "in bed" to the end of any fortune cookie saying and you get a sometimes funny joke.
    You, Never? Did the Kenosha Kid?

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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Quote Originally Posted by SoupIsGood
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    Add "in bed" to the end of any fortune cookie saying and you get a sometimes funny joke.
    Let's hear some.

  22. #22
    flexible and robust SoupIsGood's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hicks
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    Let's hear some.
    Okay.

    "If your desires are not extravagant, they will be granted.”

    “If a true sense of value is to be yours it must come through service."

    "Your success in life must be earned with earnest efforts.”


    "A liar is not believed even though he tell the truth.”

    “Sometimes you must spark a crisis to get results.”


    “Sometimes you have to sound it out to grasp the full meaning.”

    When I'm looking to impress someone, I try not to go eating Chinese. I've been known to burst out laughing, resulting in some weird looks my way.



    You, Never? Did the Kenosha Kid?

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    Member pollardfreek's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gyron
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    Pollard freak, Im a little worried about you and those dead baby "jokes".....
    Alright, maybe you'll like this one a little better. It's pretty much the corniest joke ever:

    A Sodium atom walks into a bar and sees a chlorine atom drunk off his ***, but he just shrugs it off and takes a seat at the bar. Later on in the night, after he had put a couple down himself, the sodium atom notices the chlorine atom has been giving him dirty looks all night, so the sodium atom puts down his beer, walks over to the chlorine atom and gets in his face. "You want to go pu**y?" the sodium atom asks. So, the chlorine atom looks away from the sodium atom for a second, then turns around and punches the sodium atom right in the nucleus. They beat the crap out of each other until the police show up and break it up. The cops are still outside talking to witnesses and writing reports a few hours later when a couple of oxygen atoms come walking by. Curious, one of the atoms asks a cop what happened. The cop just looked up and said,


    "Nothing really. Just a regular old case of assault."

  24. #24
    Fear my small avatar Gyron's Avatar
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    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    lol, now that one I got a giggle out of....

  25. #25

    Default Re: The "Tell a Joke" thread.

    A panda walks into a restaurant, sits, and orders something to eat from the menu. After he finishes, he takes out a gun and nearly shoots the waiter. The waiter asks why in the world he did that, and the panda tells him to look him in the dictionary. The panda then leaves.

    The waiter goes to find a dictionary, and looks up panda. He sees Panda, mammal, eats shoots and leaves
    Don't ask Marvin Harrison what he did during the bye week. "Batman never told where the Bat Cave is," he explained.

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