...or my shameless attempt at getting Funniest Poster 2005.
Originally Posted by graceRe: WTHR: Pacers will formally request Artest's return, Bird confirms DD's return.
I'll take a crack at what when on between Ron and the commish.
[The scene: last week, the commish's office]
Commish: [answering intercom on his desk] Yes, [insert name of commish's secretary].
Secretary: Excuse the interuption your Holiness, but Ron Artest is on line one.
Commish: [picks up the phone] Hello Ron. What can I do for you? [salivating at the though of telling Ron there is no way in hell he'll be allowed back this season.]
Ron: Hello, Mr. Stern. I'm going to be in New York this weekend visiting family. And since I'm going to be in the neighborhood I thought maybe you and me could have some fun.
Commish: [visibly drooling at the thought of going clubbing with a music mogal like Ron Artest] Just what did you have in mind, Ron?
Ron: Well, Mr. Stern, we have this thing here called the Pacer Digest. My man Anthony lurks there for us. Anyway, there's this one dude Uncle Buck who claims you and I are having a meeting on Monday. He's usually right about stuff like this so I thought I should call you and invite you out to lunch.
Commish: That's very nice of you to offer, Ron. Be at my office at noon on Monday. We'll send my secretary to the vending machine to get some snacks.
[the scene: Monday at the Commish's office. The commish and Ron are sitting on the floor drinking diet coke and eating out of a big bag of potato chips. "All My Children" is on the TV.]
Commish: Susan Lucci. She's hot.
Ron: For her age sir, she's smokin'.
Commish: [during commercial] So Ronnie, how often does my name come up on this Pacer's Digest?
Ron: I don't know exactly how often you're mentioned by name or in ephegy, but you're always there in spirit, sir.
Commish: Let's get on line and see how many threads our meeting is generating.
Ron: O.K. [Ron agrees hesitantly, worrying that the Islamic site will pop up again]
Commish: Oh look, a pacemates thread. You know Ronnie I've always thought the pacemates are the hottest chicks in the league.
Ron: [surprised] Hotter than the Miami dancers, sir?
Commish: If I wanted to watch silicone giggle I'd have my secretary do jumping jacks.
Ron: Well sir, if you think our pacemates are hot check this out.
Ron: Sir I really think you should sit down before you pass out.
Commish: I have to meet this goddess of timeouts. You have to help me, Ronnie. [falls to his knees]
Ron: [helps Commish back into his seat] I'd like to help you, sir, but Ashley already has quite a following sir. I'm afraid if I brought her to you the people on the board really would kill you.
Commish: There has to be something we can do. I know, I'll arrange it so that has been Dale Davis can play for the Pacers again. Everyone will be so preoccupied with their assumptions that he's the second coming they won't even notice the goddess is gone.
Ron: [shake head no] That would only work with that Peck guy.
Commish: [angry] All right, fine! [secretary runs in with paper work] Not that kind of fine, [insert name of secretary]. Get me Vern Fleming on the phone. [secretary leaves]
Ron: [ ] Sir, the Dale Davis thing is a good idea, but Vern Fleming? What's next? Are you going to bring Roger Brown back from the dead?
Commish: Don't think I can't do it. If I can keep everyone quiet about me paying off the refs I can raise the dead too! [phone rings, commish picks it up] Vern? How's he coming?...I know he's capable of using correct English. He did at my luncheon...Tell the Wise One I want The Letter by the end of the week. [hang up]
Commish: Have a seat Ronnie. What I'm about to tell you cannot leave this room. I must have Ashley. To that end Larry Bird will write a letter to me asking for your reinstatement. I, being a benevolent God, I mean commishoner, will, out of the goodness of my heart, allow you to come back. In turn, Pacer fans everywhere will rejoice. I will be able to once again show my face in Conseco. I will be able to see my dear Ashley. All will be right with the world.
Ron: Mr. Stern I do want to play again more than anything, but I have to be honest. I can't sacrifice Ashley. Not even to feed my family. We'll survive on what I make as a model. Really, I can wait until next year.
Commish: It is not for you to decide, bipolar man. I speak it. It will be so.