i don't drink alcohol myself...definitely don't mind what it gets my girlfriends to do though...
i don't drink alcohol myself...definitely don't mind what it gets my girlfriends to do though...
I'm watching Scarface as a tribute to an old friend of mine.
Something is bassackwards here.
The kids are sleeping in and I'm not.
I thought this was the day that I got waited on hand and foot:confused:
today at the mall i saw this little girl who couldn't have been older than 13 wearing a shirt that stated:
"I <3 69"
I'm going through an old gaming forum where I used to post and pulling out some classics.
Another I can not take credit for...
Subject: If United Airlines Sold paint
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different pricesup to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, theprice per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day,and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a gallon" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else,but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway froma nyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.
For those who already have children past this age, this is
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear
and a Superman cape.......It is strong enough, however, if tied
to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up
a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a
baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's
already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though
a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys
do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. My Little Ponies named 'Happy Heart Pony' do not reappear immediately after being flushed. They do make a fine blockage, however, and do cause Mr. Plumber to show up.
24. Grasshoppers are best appreciated after having been turned into a fine paste by a two years old's foot. On your carpet.
25. Oxyclean does not remove Grasshopper.
25) do not let your children make breakfast. they will use the floor,cupboards,etc etc as thier cereal bowl.
26) if you have a cat or a dog. keep your hair clippers well out of reach. or you will have a bald pet
27) Potato guns are dangerous and can cause bodily injury. Potato Bazookas attract police.
28) BB guns in the hands of a teenager can/will break windows. BB guns in teh hands of an 8 year old WILL leave a permanent mark on siblings.
#1 is the main reason my wife made me get rid of our waterbed when she was pregnant.
#27 was my favorite.
A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the
seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands
shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.
"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy.
"I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," he
answered nervously. "They've got race riots, drugs, the
highest crime rate in the country..."
"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life,
and it's not bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go
to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a
good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said,
"Oh, thank God. I was worried to death! But if you live
there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. By
the way, what do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."
Here are some interesting little facts to make EVERYBODY happy!!!
A - During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool, you will ingest 1/12
liter of urine.
B. - In an average day, your hands will come into indirect contact with
penises (touching door handles, etc.).
C. - An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic
D. - In a year, you will have swallowed 14 insects-while you slept.
E. - Annually, you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently
masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
F. - Annually, you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently
and failed to wash their hands.
G. - In a lifetime, 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your
H. - At an average wedding reception, you have a 1/100 chance of
cold sore from one of the guests.
I. - Daily, you will breathe in 1 liter of other people's anal gases.
J. - With all of this in mind, have a GREAT day!!!!
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
he could see her license. She replied in a huff,"I wish you guys would get
your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it to you!"
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you
aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why,
officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." he says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD! I left the baby on the bus again!"
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,
"How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
"NO!" the blonde yelled back,
"IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were
the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To
which the Blonde replied,
"We're not stupid, you know.
"We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled
the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum,and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on ! or off?"
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of
yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of
inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing it,
marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is
still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately
throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
FINALLY.....THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to
kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park,
grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:
I have kidnapped your child.
Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park
tomorrow at 7 A.M.
Signed, The Blonde
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go
straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the
$10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note....
Here is your money! I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to
I think we know what Spicoli is doing in his new house now......
Ok, here's a wierd patent for you.....
Grace should love this one....
WE MADE IT! And it feels good!!!
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's or even the early 80's, probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as
we were back when the street lights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable!
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound,personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them.
We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors! Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected, no one to hide behind.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new deas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
And you're one of them. Congratulations!
An American was sitting with a Frenchman and an Englishman in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden the police entered and arrested them. They were initially given the death sentence but contested this and were finally imprisoned for life. But as it was a national holiday, the Sheikh decided they should be released after each
receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping, but you cannot wish to not be whipped!"
The Englishman thought for a second then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back before whipping." This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Englishman cried in pain.
The Frenchman saw this and said: "Please tie 2 pillows to my back before whipping." This was done and lasted for the whole 20 lashes. The Frenchman stood up smiling.
The American saw this but before he could make his wish, the Sheikh said: "As you are from America which is a much bigger country than France and England put together, you are permitted to have two wishes!" The American thought for a second, then said: "Thank you most Royal and Merciful Highness. My first wish is to receive a hundred lashes with the strongest, toughest whip available."
"If you so desire," the Sheikh replies with a questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?"
‚€ĚTie the Frenchman to my back."
Little Johnny was in his nursery class when the teacher_ asked the children what their fathers did for a_ living. All the typical answers came up --_ fireman, policeman, salesman, etc... Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about_ his
‚€ĚMy father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some screaming ***."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set_ the other children to work on some coloring, and_ took Little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that_ really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny, "He plays for the Atlanta Braves, but I was_ too embarrassed to tell."
¬∑_______ NEWS FLASH!!!!!!!!!!
SADDAM HUSSEIN CAPTURED!
The army heard he was hiding in a field.
They sprayed it with Viagra and the prick stood up.
The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement:
"We, at the French's Company, wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard in manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing_ we have in common is that we are both yellow".
An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
French: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of course."
Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to France."
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well" says the vet "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, checks his teeth, etc. Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Just because he's cross-eyed???"
"No, because he's really, really heavy."
I went to a seafood disco rave last week....and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank. This proves once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "I'll man the cannon, you drive."
What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>> Too Pushy
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If _I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.‚€Ě
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
‚€ĚIf this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back, smiled and said, "Well I hope you've got a damn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.‚€Ě
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
‚€ĚUnbelievable‚€Ě, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That
smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."
WISDOM FROM GRANDPA
*Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.
Judging from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder that brides often blush.
On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past... but never the present.
A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'._ No wife of mine is gonna work.‚€Ě
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.
Many girls like to marry a military man -- he can cook, sew, make bed, and is in good health... and he's already used to taking orders.
Grandpa and Granny were discussing their 50th wedding anniversary when she said, "Shall I kill a chicken tonight?" "No,"_ said Grandpa, "Why blame a bird for something' that happened 50 years ago?"
Shock and Awe
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor._ He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting._ As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position._ The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air.‚€Ě
Notice to people who visit my home:
1. The dog lives here. You don't.
2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. Yes, he has some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What's your point?
4. OF COURSE he smells like a dog.
5. It's his nature to try to sniff your crotch. Please feel free to sniff his.
6. I like him a lot better than I like most people.
7. To you he's a dog. To me he's an adopted son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. I have no problem with any of these things.
8. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about whether they have the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell the pups.
9. The same rules apply for the cats, except they will ignore you...until you're asleep.
A brunette, redhead, and a blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation.
After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something
truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three," and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most talented of us three," and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
Life Science Final Exam
The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge...If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account...If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage.................‚€Ě
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You'll make her pregnant again!"
So a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a bar, and sit down to have a few drinks.
The brunette says, "I found a pack of cigarettes in my daughter's room the other day, and I didn't know she smoked!"
To which the redhead replied, "That's nothing, I found a half bottle of whiskey in my daughter's room and I didn't know she drank!"
Then the blonde finally spoke, "That's nothing! I found a half pack of condoms in my daughter's room and I didn't know she had a dick."
A man and a blonde woman meet each other in a donation ward.
The man says: "What are you here to donate?"
The woman replied: "I'm donating blood... they're going to give me $5 for it. What about you?"
The man said: "I'm donating sperm.. they said they'll give me $25 for it"
They talked some more, then after their respective donations, they went their seperate ways.
A few weeks later they both meet up AGAIN in the same donation ward...
The man says: "Here to donate blood again?"
The woman, with her mouth firmly shut, murmured: "Nuuhh...uhhh"
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day.
>carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the
>The bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After
>much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered
>Her into the president's office (the customer is always right!) The bank
>President then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
>replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
>The president was of course curious as to how she came by all
>This cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so
>Cash around. "Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I
>make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The
>old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls
>are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can
>never win that kind of bet!"
>The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure,"
>said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are
>Not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a
>Of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as
>A witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.
>That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and
>Spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from
>To side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was
>sure there was Absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would
>win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old
>lady appeared With her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced
>To the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's
>Balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old
>Him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did.
>The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she
>them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money,
>so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
>Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his
>Head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the
>hell's the Matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I
>bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's
>President's balls in my hand."
Today's Word of the day....And yes this is a real word. I got it a while back in my "word of the day" email.
dasypygal (da-si-PYE-gul) adjective
Having hairy buttocks.
[From Greek dasy- (hairy, dense) + pyge (buttocks).]
A related word is dasymeter, an instrument for measuring the..., no, not that,
rather the density of gases. Another related word is callipygian, having a
Different Ways To Say You're Stupid
o A few clowns short of a circus
o A few fries short of a happy meal
o An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
o A few beers short of a six-pack
o Dumber than a box of hair
o A few peas short of a casserole
o Doesn‚€™t have all their cornflakes in one box
o The wheel‚€™s spinning, but the hamster is dead
o One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl
o One taco short of a combination plate
o A few feathers short of a whole duck
o All foam, no beer
o The cheese slid off her cracker
o Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
o Couldn‚€™t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
o He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
o An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
o As smart as bait
o Chimney‚€™s clogged
o Doesn‚€™t have all his dogs on one leash
o Doesn‚€™t know much, but leads the league in nostril hair
o Elevator doesn‚€™t go to the top floor
o Forgot to pay her brain bill
o Her sewing machine‚€™s out of thread
o His antenna doesn‚€™t pick up all the channels
o His belt doesn‚€™t go through all the loops
o If she had another brain, it would be lonely
o Missing a few buttons on his remote control
o No grain in the silo
o Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
o Receiver is off the hook
o Several nuts sort of a full pouch
o Skylight leaks a little
o Slinky‚€™s kinked
o Surfing in Nebraska
o Too much yardage between the goal posts
o No the sharpest knife in the drawer
o The lights are on, but nobody‚€™s home
o 24 cents short of a quarter
o if brains were ****** there would be no flies on him
o he should not be allowed to breed
o ameoba have come a long way, shame you didn't keep up
o Sharp as a Bowling Ball
o The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is nowhere in sight
o Stuck on a Tuesday looking both ways for a weekend
o If he had two head, he'd be twice as stupid
o If brains were explosives he'd not have enough blow into a tissue
o I can't believe he beat out 10,000 other sperm
o Somewhere, a village is missing an idiot
Want to Know Everything?
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand; lollipop" with your right.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that haveall five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.