View Full Version : OT humor from the hoosiergazette (Colts related)

01-19-2004, 10:39 AM

:pepper: Indiana's first source for inaccurate news. :pepper:

Teetotalers: watching Colts lose a little easier if you’re drunk

By Howie Baker, THG Sports

January 18, 2004

It is an understatement to say it was disappointing to see the Colts lose Sunday afternoon to the New England Patriots 24-14. It was nothing short of an absolute heartbreaker for diehard fans who wished 20 years of shattered dreams would finally be erased with a trip to Houston in two weeks.

But now all that is water under the bridge. It is time to pack up the equipment, go on vacation, and then begin preparing for next year. The AFC Championship game was one the Colts can learn many lessons from. No doubt they will study their mistakes and work on improving their weaknesses so they can get over the hump and go to the Super Bowl in 2005.

As a Colts fan, I too learned a lesson from Sunday’s game, a lesson any fan of a long-suffering team should learn to ease the pain the tough losses cause.

Get drunk. It makes things a lot better.

I know this is not a groundbreaking idea—people have been getting drunk at athletic events since the beginning of time. Millions of dollars in revenue are generated each year in the NFL off of beer sales alone.

What about the people who generally abstain from drinking? I have to admit that I am one of these folks. The taste of alcohol and the feeling of being inebriated have never really been very appealing to me. Sure, I have a social drink now and then, but given the choice between rum and Coke or just a Coke, I would choose the latter.

That is, until Sunday afternoon. The Colts’ loss has made me a believer in getting soused. Let me explain:

Last week, my wife and I had a few friends over for dinner and drinks. Leftover from the party were a bottle of wine, half a fifth of gin, and two six-packs of Three Floyd’s Brewery’s Alpha King Pale Ale, one of the only beers that I actually like.

While watching the Colts/Patriots game, I became disgusted when New England drove right down the field and scored on their first possession. I went upstairs to get a soft drink out of the icebox when I noticed the beer. I decided to have one to maybe calm my nerves since it was already not looking good for the Colts.

As the first half progressed and things got worse, I continued to drink. Those Alpha King’s went down smoother with every Indianapolis turnover. Before long, I was heading upstairs to the fridge during every commercial break.

By the second quarter, I was beginning to learn that drinking does have its positive aspects. It didn’t upset me as much as it usually would when the snapper launched that ball over Hunter Smith’s head for a safety, a fact I contribute to my buzz. By halftime, I wasn’t feeling any pain, despite the Colts being down 15-0.

The second half was more of the same. I got excited when I thought the Colts were getting back into the game, scoring a touchdown on their first possession, but a punt and two interceptions on the following three drives soon brought me back down to earth. After Manning threw his fourth interception of the game, I brought down the rest of the beer so I wouldn’t have to make the trek upstairs.

I never saw the end of the game. I fell asleep on the couch with about eight minutes left in the 4th quarter. My wife woke me for dinner about an hour after the game, and I checked NFL.com to see what the final score was so I could put it in this article.

I have learned my lesson. Next year when Indianapolis takes the field, I will be sure to have my cooler sitting next to the couch, ready to celebrate a great Colts victory or drown my sorrows if, heaven forbid, they play like they did today.