View Full Version : OT - Doug Christie article (Humor)

07-26-2004, 02:58 PM
This was posted on the Knick board and I thought it was hilarious:


Jackie Christie Refuses To Let Female Doctor Save Husband’s Life

SACRAMENTO--Jackie Christie, wife of NBA star Doug Christie, refused to let a female doctor save her husband’s life Saturday when he nearly choked to death during a dinner at the Pilothouse Restaurant in Sacramento. Christie frantically screamed for a doctor after her husband began gagging on a chicken bone, but when Clarissa Jordan, a 41-year-old female doctor, rushed to his aid, Christie grew agitated. She reportedly told Jordan to “back off” even as Doug’s face turned purple and his breath came out in short, labored gasps.

Bystanders watched in horror as Jackie Christie calmly waited for a male patron to save her husband’s life. Luckily, Sanjay Mehta, a local medical student who was sitting at the bar in an adjacent room, was able to apply the Heimlich maneuver just in time to avert a tragedy. The chicken bone came up, and Jackie defended her decision not to let a female doctor save her husband.

“Miss Clarissa Jordan, or whatever her name is, came running over like a poodle in heat,” said Christie. “I could tell she was lusting after my husband, which is why I wouldn’t let her near him. Sure, she’s a doctor, but that’s a great way to get her little tongue down my husband’s throat. Believe me, I’m no fool. Plus, my husband would never want a female doctor saving his life. He’d feel too guilty having another woman lay her hands on him. He’d rather die. I’m sure of it.”

Bystanders reported that Christie was not satisfied to simply wave Jordan away. Instead, she began beating the woman with her purse until the horrified doctor fled in terror. Christie said those claims were exaggerated, but did admit to “getting physical with her.”

“I wouldn’t say I beat her that hard. I just was trying to deter her from her ultimate goal of having sex with my dying husband,” said Christie. “Yes, I hit her a couple time with my purse, but I had to. The woman was relentless! She kept saying ‘He’s going to die! He’s going to die!’ And I was like ‘Whatever, *****. Keep your hands to yourself.’”

After Jordan fled the scene, another female attempted to call 9-1-1, but she, too, was thwarted by Jackie Christie. The women, 29-year-old waitress Cheryl Malcolm, insisted that she was just trying to help.

“After that woman [Jordan] got beat up, I realized Doug was still choking,” she said. “So I ran over, grabbed my cell phone and started dialing 9-1-1. Then [Christie] slapped the phone out of my hand and told me to mind my business and stop looking at her husband like that. I had no idea what she was talking about. I would never look at that guy in a sexual way. Gross.”

After Malcolm was turned away, it looked like the end for Doug Christie. The Kings forward lay in a heap on the floor, his face bulging and red, his fists clenched, and his throat clogged with a large chicken bone, while Jackie sat with her arms folded and waited.

“I don’t know the Heimlich maneuver or anything like that, so I didn’t want to try anything that would hurt my baby,” said Christie. “I was getting a little nervous, especially when his eyes started bulging out of his head, but I knew if I waited long enough, some guy would come along and save him. If not, Doug would have been killed. But it’s Ok. I made him promise to come back and haunt me after he dies.”

Dr. Mehta was summoned into the room by a frantic patron who witnessed the choking. After he administered the Heimlich to Christie, he noted that if another moment had passed, Doug would’ve surely perished.

“I am extremely surprised that this man’s wife did now allow Miss Jordan to save his life,” said Mehta. “If another minute had gone by, he would surely be dead. In my country, this mad woman would have her hands cut off and her vagina sewn shut.”

After being revived, Doug hugged his wife and breathed a sigh of relief. He thanked Dr. Mehta for saving his life, and recalled the final moments before he was rescued.

“Whew, that was a close call,” said Christie, wiping the sweat off his brow. “I actually saw scenes from my life flashing by. The funny thing was that my wife was in all of the scenes, even the ones from my childhood before I met her. She was just there in the background with her arms folded, shaking her head disapprovingly. Huh. I bet a shrink would have a field day with that one, huh? A male shrink, of course.”

After thanking Dr. Mehta, Christie also offered some words of gratitude to his wife.

“Although I am glad to be alive, I’m equally glad that my wife spared me the indignity of having another woman give me the Heimlich,” he continued. “That would’ve been catastrophic. Even if I had lived, what kind of life what that have been, knowing that I looked at, and briefly touched, another woman? I guess it would be kind of a normal life, actually. Anyway, that’s the last time I ever eat chicken.”

In order to avoid future incidents like the one that took place at the Pilothouse, the Christies have decided never to eat in a public place again.

“There’s a lot of danger to eating in public,” said Doug. “The outside world is fraught with peril. You never know, you could be sitting there eating, minding your business, and a chicken bone could get lodged in your throat causing you to need assistance from a female doctor or paramedic. Don’t laugh. It happened to us, and it could happen to you.”

Pig Nash
07-26-2004, 03:23 PM
:lol: :dougchristie:

07-26-2004, 03:30 PM
.....Oh my god........:whoknows:

07-26-2004, 03:39 PM
That story has to be fake like the JO trade. If it isn't, Doug should seek help for his wife.

Slick Pinkham
07-26-2004, 03:45 PM

Here's another bogus story:


Boozer takes two pennies, leaves none
By Jim Margalus Sunday, July 25th, 2004

CLEVELAND (sPERTS.net) –- Like any boozer, Carlos Boozer doesn’t know when to quit. Boozer, who allegedly spurned the Cavs when he bailed out on a verbal agreement and signed an offer sheet with the Utah Jazz, abused the privileges of the “take a penny, leave a penny” dish at a QuikTrip convenience store.

Carlos Boozer will likely be playing for the Jazz next year.

Boozer bought a pack of wintergreen Trident chewing gum that totaled $1.02 with tax. After pulling a dollar bill from his wallet, he took the last two pennies from the dish to give the cashier exact change. “I didn’t have any change on me,” Boozer said. “I only had a single and a twenty. What else am I supposed to do?” “I’m sure at some point or another, I’ve left two pennies. It all evens out in the end.” QuikTrip Cashier Toby Tucker did not sympathize with Boozer. “For a guy who’s going to make a billion dollars, he could’ve given to the March of Dimes jar with that extra 98 cents,” he said. “Or he could’ve just bit the bullet and pocketed the coins. He turned his back on the convenience store community.”

The QuikTrip's penny dish overflowed with coins during better times
Cavs general manager Jim Paxson didn’t mince words when asked about the incident. “I think we can absolutely say without exception that Carlos Boozer doesn’t care about crippled children one bit,” Paxson said. “Just tack it on with his general disdain of blind people,” Paxson said, referring to Cavaliers owner Gordon Gund, who is blind. Paxson denied holding a grudge. The rift between Boozer and the Cavs began when Boozer signed a six-year, $68 million offer sheet with the Utah Jazz after Cleveland did not pick up the third year on his contract. According to Gund and Paxson, they declined the option so Boozer could sign with Cleveland for an extended, lucrative contract, and they had Boozer’s word that he wouldn’t sign anywhere else.

Anger flows out Stephen A. Smith's nose during a telecast.

Along with the objections from the city of Cleveland, Boozer has also had to answer to the criticisms of several members of the media. “The whole idea of taking a penny at a store is a sacred bond of trust,” an enraged ESPN basketball analyst Stephen A. Smith shouted. “It’s a penny you do not rightfully own,” Smith continued. “This system needs humility in order to work. Carlos Boozer has no humility.” Smith then left the set abruptly to tend to a bloody nose. Boozer continues to deny that any agreement was in place, and maintains that he did not to anything to cheat the Cavs. “I don’t see how anybody in my position could choose any differently,” Boozer said. “That’s just my two cents.”

07-26-2004, 03:47 PM

Lord Helmet
07-26-2004, 05:10 PM

07-26-2004, 09:44 PM