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View Full Version : I need some advice from Dr. Love



Raskolnikov
11-28-2008, 12:34 PM
I'm a PhD student teaching exercises to students who are like 2 or 3 years younger than me. One of them kinda likes me I think and I kinda like her. Obviously I'm not gonna ask her out before the exam is finished and corrected. But, the problem is, it's not like I'm gonna see her again afterwards. So what do I do? I send her an email without knowing for sure that she likes me (I mean she could very well just be really into the course - I sometimes have problems with drawing the right conclusions from the signals women are apparently continually sending) or doesn't have a boyfriend? Any magical advice on how to handle this?

indygeezer
11-28-2008, 03:51 PM
TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET !!!!!

Bellisimo !.......this one's for you.

travmil
11-28-2008, 05:10 PM
E-mail? Yuck. If you send an e-mail you might as well forget it. I know the times they are a changin' but an e-mail says to the girl "Sorry but I didn't have the stones to risk fact to face rejection, so I sent this instead."

My brother gave me some GREAT advice when I was in high school. He told me don't just say "Would you like to go out". You have to frame an experience for the gal. You say somthing like "Would you like to go get some Thai food with me?" Then you get her thinking about the date instead of the answer. If she's interested she'll say yes. If she's not or has a boyfriend, she'll tell you. No big deal.

BTW, if you'll most likely never see this girl again after the class what do you have to lose?

bellisimo
11-28-2008, 05:46 PM
here is a magical advice...don't think about all these weird road blocks like "what if she doesn't like me...what if she has a boyfriend...am i good enough for her...etc"

they are all personal negs that will hold you back and your confidence...so zip it :D

as for this situation...just take it easy...depends on how long the course is/etc.

you mentioned that you won't be seeing this person after the exams/courses are over...so if you have some time set things up slowly...let it build up to the point where she'd want to go for coffee/etc with you afterwards...and then towards the end of the course just arrange to exchange numbers to be able to keep in touch later on...or if you already have the number...then just go for it and be like "there is this great waffle house/french fries place that i know...lets catch up after these exams/courses and we'll have some stimulating conversation"

girls love "stimulating conversation" they always wonder what it really means. ;)

Raoul Duke
11-28-2008, 05:51 PM
Sounds like a pretty bad idea. Wait until the class is completely done if you have to ask her out.

indygeezer
11-28-2008, 07:07 PM
Sounds like a pretty bad idea. Wait until the class is completely done if you have to ask her out.

This bears some thought...what is the school policy?

Peck
11-29-2008, 04:08 AM
Ok somebody had to do it and it might as well be me.

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kester99
11-29-2008, 04:57 AM
I'm pretty sure Dr Love got banned.

I think Belli's advice was good. Last day or two, see if she's up for a phone number exchange.

Raskolnikov
11-29-2008, 05:21 AM
Thanks for the replies everyone.


E-mail? Yuck. If you send an e-mail you might as well forget it. I know the times they are a changin' but an e-mail says to the girl "Sorry but I didn't have the stones to risk fact to face rejection, so I sent this instead."
Heard that before, I would if I could. The problem is, there's the exam (it's in January btw) and that's it. After that I could occasionally run into her. So email would in fact be the fastest way to contact her.


My brother gave me some GREAT advice when I was in high school. He told me don't just say "Would you like to go out". You have to frame an experience for the gal. You say somthing like "Would you like to go get some Thai food with me?" Then you get her thinking about the date instead of the answer. If she's interested she'll say yes. If she's not or has a boyfriend, she'll tell you. No big deal.
I mostly say "Would you like to go for a drink with me?"


BTW, if you'll most likely never see this girl again after the class what do you have to lose?
That's true. But I've screwed up on some occasions before by being too impatient or too direct. I'm starting to realize that the game of seduction requires a lot of subtility, so I want to think a bit more before I act now. For some people it comes naturally, for others it doesn't. Plus this is a bit of a strange situation.


here is a magical advice...don't think about all these weird road blocks like "what if she doesn't like me...what if she has a boyfriend...am i good enough for her...etc"

they are all personal negs that will hold you back and your confidence...so zip it :D
Yes, that's what I'm always trying to tell myself. You see, all in all, I'm a pretty confident person, but when it comes down to talking to a girl I have feelings for, there's always a barrier I have to go through.


as for this situation...just take it easy...depends on how long the course is/etc.

you mentioned that you won't be seeing this person after the exams/courses are over...so if you have some time set things up slowly...let it build up to the point where she'd want to go for coffee/etc with you afterwards...and then towards the end of the course just arrange to exchange numbers to be able to keep in touch later on...or if you already have the number...then just go for it and be like "there is this great waffle house/french fries place that i know...lets catch up after these exams/courses and we'll have some stimulating conversation"

girls love "stimulating conversation" they always wonder what it really means. ;)
Lol yeah I think I'll also see how it evolves the last 2 classes. Is she still staring at me for no apparent reason? Does she keep smiling back at me? But I'm not gonna ask for her number before I corrected the exam. That would just be weird, I'm the teacher, you know. So all I'll be left with is her email address...


Sounds like a pretty bad idea. Wait until the class is completely done if you have to ask her out.

Obviously I'm not gonna ask her out before the exam is finished and corrected.


Ok somebody had to do it and it might as well be me.<object width="425" height="344">


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Don't think I want any advice from him. Horrible song btw ;)

Raskolnikov
11-29-2008, 05:24 AM
I'm pretty sure Dr Love got banned.

I think Belli's advice was good. Last day or two, see if she's up for a phone number exchange.
You don't think that would be weird with the exam still coming up?

N8R
11-29-2008, 06:52 AM
Just cause you are teaching a pre-school class doesnt mean you have the right hit on the children there Rasko hahaha

I have no advice, just an assy response.

indygeezer
11-29-2008, 12:50 PM
You don't think that would be weird with the exam still coming up?

Just after her test is collected you ask her out....and her immediate assumption is...IS this how I get a better grade???

Gotta wait until grades are in the book. Sorry.

Raskolnikov
11-29-2008, 01:04 PM
Yeah, I know, that's what I've been saying since post 1...and that's exactly where the problem lies, that I'm not gonna see her anymore after the grading. Unless I do some detective work and find out what her hobbies are, then "run into her" at one of her hobby locations. Also, if she appears to only have lame hobbies, I can save myself the trouble of asking her out ;)

The Toxic Avenger
11-29-2008, 01:45 PM
Well you COULD say that there was a problem with her exam and ask her if she could come down to class some day but that might be a little borderline... as far as rules and regulations go.
Beware of Valentine's Day...
Another option would be to Put some thought into it and look for a show/movie/play (whatever you are into) that would be occurring a week or two after all is said and done and any given day after class ask if she would like to go see said event, making sure to add somehow "And since its after January XXth we wouldn't have to worry about classroom etiquette... Just let me know sometime after the exam!" You Woo-er You! Beware of Valentine's Day...
Beware of Valentine's Day...
Etiquette might be too creepy of a word but you get the idea.
Beware of Valentine's Day...
Other, less likely to work option:
Get above mentioned tickets and send one her way with a secret admirer type note/series of notes/gifts. I would guess she would NOT attend and the secret admirer (you) would be remembered as a stalker and a creeper but it would make a good story if she did... You know... for her next boyfriend..
Beware of Valentine's Day...
:flirt:

indygeezer
11-29-2008, 02:48 PM
How about the good ol' ask one of her friends to have her contact you when class is over...or see if she would like for you to contact her?

Of course there is that sticky 3rd person with knowledge if the school admin comes asking.

kester99
12-01-2008, 03:46 AM
You don't think that would be weird with the exam still coming up?

I'm not sure how your system works. After your last tutoring session, do you have further official status in the process? Like grading the exams? If you have no further role, then, no, I don't think it's weird. Just a "Hey, maybe we could get a coffee some time after the exam."

If you are an exam grader, for instance, then yes, that would be inappropriate. You can't put yourself in a position to even seem to be exerting pressure to get together, in return for affecting the exam outcome. BUT, if your role is done, why not?

Raskolnikov
12-01-2008, 06:01 AM
Yes, I'm responsible for the exercises of the course, including the exam :( Guess there's not a good solution for this one. Gonna see how it evolves, make some further eye contact and see if she responds. And if so: email FTW! Hey, that's the first time I've ever used FTW.

Geezer, I'm not really worried about the school policy. I'm working at a university, where we are all (supposed to be) adults. 'Course the teacher dating student thing is always a bit weird, but technically I'm still a student too, a PhD student that is. Plus I'm not really their teacher, I'm just the one helping them with the exercises. I'm more of a helper if you like. Unfortunately I'm also helping with passing out the grades.....

And TA, you'e an evil schemer! ;)

DisplacedKnick
12-01-2008, 07:23 PM
Don't they have student directories there?

I'd just call her up AFTER she's received her grade and ask her if she'd like to go for coffee.

Or you can screw up her grade when you submit it and when she asks you how she got it, you be the hero by fixing the situation and THEN ask her out.

Times must've changed - about 20 years ago I was an Instructor at a college (didn't have enough letters after my name to be a prof - plus I was filling in for someone who took a year off to get married) teaching students mostly a year or two younger but some older than me. At that time it was pretty well accepted that a lot of faculty-student interaction went on.

Was pretty cool when school first started - the 1st 3 weeks were almost like tryouts. Eventually you have to settle on 1 though.

The Toxic Avenger
12-02-2008, 04:09 AM
And TA, you'e an evil schemer! ;)

HEY.... Thanks for noticing! It worked for me :dance:

bellisimo
12-02-2008, 11:29 AM
get her number - that won't violate/kill anything regarding the exam. And once the Exam is over you can call as DK has mentioned.

Email can work - but its a very slow and grueling process.

heywoode
12-02-2008, 01:10 PM
I wouldn't get her number or make any kind of statement that there is ANYTHING other than a teacher/student relationship in your mind until after the exam is corrected.

Given the constraints of only having her email address after the class is officially over, I would think an email after the class is officially over would be fine.

I wouldn't ask her out over the email, I would simply email her and tell her that you wanted to ask for her number during class but knew that was inappropriate. State that given the situation, email was the only way to contact her and maintain an ethical stance...make sure she knows that email was the only way you had to contact her, and that given the choice of not getting to contact her at all, or contacting her via email and seeming like a pansy, you chose the latter simply because you had no other option and felt compelled enough to do it even though it is not the most desired avenue.

Ask for her number via email. If she has half a brain and can see that you had no choice while remaining ethical, she will not see it as the standard "too pansy to ask face to face" type of email. If she isn't smart enough to see that you had no choice, you don't want to date her anyway.

Just my opinion.

travmil
12-02-2008, 01:13 PM
Ask for her number via email. If she has half a brain and can see that you had no choice while remaining ethical, she will not see it as the standard "too pansy to ask face to face" type of email.

Just my opinion.

Even though I'm the originator of the "too pansy" theory, this sounds reasonable to me.

Major Cold
12-02-2008, 01:26 PM
This is what you don't want to happen. 10 years later you wish you would have made a move. Wait to actually go out with her until after the exam. No email. Email stands for Evidence Mail.

heywoode
12-02-2008, 02:10 PM
Are you even reading the responses, turd?!

It has been well established that he knows he's not gonna make a move until after the exam. The dilemma is that the only contact info he has on her is her email address. He can't ask for more info than that or ask her out until after the exam. All he can do is wait and email her AFTER THE EXAM and then hope she doesn't think he's a pansy. Either that or stalk her after the exam to avoid having to email her.

theboyjwo
12-02-2008, 03:25 PM
Okay this is really simple. All you gotta do is set up a study date at Starbucks to offer her some extra help. Then once at Starbucks, just tell her how awesome she is and how you want to see her after exams. Most important. Be Genuine.

travmil
12-02-2008, 03:43 PM
Okay this is really simple. All you gotta do is set up a study date at Starbucks to offer her some extra help. Then once at Starbucks, just tell her how awesome she is and how you want to see her after exams. Most important. Be Genuine.

:banghead::giveup: Pay attention everyone, make sure you read and understand this part. HE CAN'T DO ANYTHING BEFORE THE EXAM OR HE WILL GIVE THE ILLUSION THAT HER ANSWER WILL AFFECT HER GRADE!!!

btowncolt
12-02-2008, 04:01 PM
Drop whatever you're doing.

Run - as fast as you can - to her apartment.

Frantically bang on the door.

In a wild, uncontrolled fashion - tell her that you've always loved and hope that she never closes her blinds again.

Make sure to speak as quickly as possible.

Refuse to leave, even if she closes the door and mentions "the police."

Call her parents and tell them you're engaged to their daughter. Ask for their home address - then repeat this cycle over winter break.

Since86
12-02-2008, 04:53 PM
I would check to see if she has facebook. It's always better than email!

If she does, then after the course is over, add her as a friend and drop her a line there. When you do ask her, make sure to include a joke about being a facebook creeper. Eases the tension a little bit in letting her know you aren't completely comfortable with his approach, but it was the best one available. (It's been tested and approved!)

Raskolnikov
12-02-2008, 05:14 PM
I wouldn't get her number or make any kind of statement that there is ANYTHING other than a teacher/student relationship in your mind until after the exam is corrected.

Given the constraints of only having her email address after the class is officially over, I would think an email after the class is officially over would be fine.

I wouldn't ask her out over the email, I would simply email her and tell her that you wanted to ask for her number during class but knew that was inappropriate. State that given the situation, email was the only way to contact her and maintain an ethical stance...make sure she knows that email was the only way you had to contact her, and that given the choice of not getting to contact her at all, or contacting her via email and seeming like a pansy, you chose the latter simply because you had no other option and felt compelled enough to do it even though it is not the most desired avenue.

Ask for her number via email. If she has half a brain and can see that you had no choice while remaining ethical, she will not see it as the standard "too pansy to ask face to face" type of email. If she isn't smart enough to see that you had no choice, you don't want to date her anyway.

Just my opinion.
Seems like sound advice, sort of what I was thinking (except I would directly ask her out via email - which is apparently not good and slowly, I'm starting to understand why). Thanks!


Okay this is really simple. All you gotta do is set up a study date at Starbucks to offer her some extra help. Then once at Starbucks, just tell her how awesome she is and how you want to see her after exams. Most important. Be Genuine.
The problem is, we don't have Starbucks here. Or wait, there appears to be one at Brussels airport. But I'm not gonna drag her all the way over there. Oh, and also what Travmil said ;)

PS I'm as genuine as they get....


Drop whatever you're doing.

Run - as fast as you can - to her apartment.

Frantically bang on the door.

In a wild, uncontrolled fashion - tell her that you've always loved and hope that she never closes her blinds again.

Make sure to speak as quickly as possible.

Refuse to leave, even if she closes the door and mentions "the police."

Call her parents and tell them you're engaged to their daughter. Ask for their home address - then repeat this cycle over winter break.
I don't see this working. I don't know where her apartment is, neither do I have her parents' phone number.


I would check to see if she has facebook. It's always better than email!

If she does, then after the course is over, add her as a friend and drop her a line there. When you do ask her, make sure to include a joke about being a facebook creeper. Eases the tension a little bit in letting her know you aren't completely comfortable with his approach, but it was the best one available. (It's been tested and approved!)
Yeah already checked that option, she doesn't have facebook :( But I am not a creeper.....;)

heywoode
12-02-2008, 05:33 PM
EVERYBODY is a creeper.

Don't kid yourself.

Also, I think that simply asking for her number via email will let her know that you are interested but also let her know that you don't want to cheeseball it and ask her out via email.

If she is sending the signals you think she is, she will have probably already envisioned this scenario anyway. If she wants to date you, she will be waiting for you to sleezeball it and ask her our before the end of the class, or cheeseball it and ask her out via email. Obviously, the only route you can take is to contact her via email and just ask for her number. At least asking her out over the phone is better than email. I wouldn't try for a first date over the phone either, but that's just me.

I handle that stuff with reckless abandon. If I get shot down face to face; I do. 99% of the time, even if a girl was on the fence about going out with you, she will admire your ability and willingness to ask her face to face. Of course if you are a bumbling, stumbling idiot when you are asking her out face to face, that whole theory goes out the window.

Take it slow, talk normally, and don't look like the question will jump out of your mouth at the earliest possible moment. Catch up with her a bit...Ask her how she's been doing, talk about some current event on campus or something else that you both would obviously know about and have something to say about...then ask. Much easier to do the asking out if you've just chatted, even briefly.

This approach has ALWAYS worked for me. Even if the girl has a boyfriend or doesn't really want to go out with you, she will be nice about saying no.

Raskolnikov
12-03-2008, 04:07 AM
Right, the smooth approach. See, all that stuff really makes sense if you think about it, but it doesn't come natural to me. I am getting better at it though.

I think she is sending the signals. Either that, or she is just very interested in the course, which would really suck - well, it is kind of interesting, it's also my research topic, but signals being sent is more interesting than that. Two classes left to find out more.

Aw, who am I kidding. With my luck, she prolly has a boyfriend, and has a habit of staring at teachers if she doesn't know how to solve the exercise. Not that I'm not gonna try. Just telling myself not to get my hopes up, cause I am thinking an awful lot about it now (also partially because of this thread - I know, I started it).

heywoode
12-03-2008, 10:22 AM
Nothing wrong with thinking about it, brothah. Thinking is how problems get solved!

Even if she's not totally sending signals and is just really interested in the class, if it's your research topic, you must be pretty interested in the subject also...already a common thread for conversation...

A girl doesn't have to be totally hot for you to agree to go out with you. If you are mildly attractive to her and not scary or creepy or too nice, and she is available, I'd say your chances are plenty good.

Good luck and keep me posted! If you don't want to broadcast it in this thread, PM me!

Raskolnikov
12-03-2008, 10:34 AM
Good luck and keep me posted!
Will do.

Thanks for the support, heywoode, and everyone else. Really means a lot to me.