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Below are the rules of Pacers Digest. After you have read them, you will have a very good sense of where we are coming from, what we expect, what we don't want to see, and how we react to things.

Rule #1

Pacers Digest is intended to be a place to discuss basketball without having to deal with the kinds of behaviors or attitudes that distract people from sticking with the discussion of the topics at hand. These unwanted distractions can come in many forms, and admittedly it can sometimes be tricky to pin down each and every kind that can rear its ugly head, but we feel that the following examples and explanations cover at least a good portion of that ground and should at least give people a pretty good idea of the kinds of things we actively discourage:

"Anyone who __________ is a liar / a fool / an idiot / a blind homer / has their head buried in the sand / a blind hater / doesn't know basketball / doesn't watch the games"

"People with intelligence will agree with me when I say that __________"

"Only stupid people think / believe / do ___________"

"I can't wait to hear something from PosterX when he/she sees that **insert a given incident or current event that will have probably upset or disappointed PosterX here**"

"He/she is just delusional"

"This thread is stupid / worthless / embarrassing"

"I'm going to take a moment to point and / laugh at PosterX / GroupOfPeopleY who thought / believed *insert though/belief here*"

"Remember when PosterX said OldCommentY that no longer looks good? "

In general, if a comment goes from purely on topic to something 'ad hominem' (personal jabs, personal shots, attacks, flames, however you want to call it, towards a person, or a group of people, or a given city/state/country of people), those are most likely going to be found intolerable.

We also dissuade passive aggressive behavior. This can be various things, but common examples include statements that are basically meant to imply someone is either stupid or otherwise incapable of holding a rational conversation. This can include (but is not limited to) laughing at someone's conclusions rather than offering an honest rebuttal, asking people what game they were watching, or another common problem is Poster X will say "that player isn't that bad" and then Poster Y will say something akin to "LOL you think that player is good". We're not going to tolerate those kinds of comments out of respect for the community at large and for the sake of trying to just have an honest conversation.

Now, does the above cover absolutely every single kind of distraction that is unwanted? Probably not, but you should by now have a good idea of the general types of things we will be discouraging. The above examples are meant to give you a good feel for / idea of what we're looking for. If something new or different than the above happens to come along and results in the same problem (that being, any other attitude or behavior that ultimately distracts from actually just discussing the topic at hand, or that is otherwise disrespectful to other posters), we can and we will take action to curb this as well, so please don't take this to mean that if you managed to technically avoid saying something exactly like one of the above examples that you are then somehow off the hook.

That all having been said, our goal is to do so in a generally kind and respectful way, and that doesn't mean the moment we see something we don't like that somebody is going to be suspended or banned, either. It just means that at the very least we will probably say something about it, quite possibly snipping out the distracting parts of the post in question while leaving alone the parts that are actually just discussing the topics, and in the event of a repeating or excessive problem, then we will start issuing infractions to try to further discourage further repeat problems, and if it just never seems to improve, then finally suspensions or bans will come into play. We would prefer it never went that far, and most of the time for most of our posters, it won't ever have to.

A slip up every once and a while is pretty normal, but, again, when it becomes repetitive or excessive, something will be done. Something occasional is probably going to be let go (within reason), but when it starts to become habitual or otherwise a pattern, odds are very good that we will step in.

There's always a small minority that like to push people's buttons and/or test their own boundaries with regards to the administrators, and in the case of someone acting like that, please be aware that this is not a court of law, but a private website run by people who are simply trying to do the right thing as they see it. If we feel that you are a special case that needs to be dealt with in an exceptional way because your behavior isn't explicitly mirroring one of our above examples of what we generally discourage, we can and we will take atypical action to prevent this from continuing if you are not cooperative with us.

Also please be aware that you will not be given a pass simply by claiming that you were 'only joking,' because quite honestly, when someone really is just joking, for one thing most people tend to pick up on the joke, including the person or group that is the target of the joke, and for another thing, in the event where an honest joke gets taken seriously and it upsets or angers someone, the person who is truly 'only joking' will quite commonly go out of his / her way to apologize and will try to mend fences. People who are dishonest about their statements being 'jokes' do not do so, and in turn that becomes a clear sign of what is really going on. It's nothing new.

In any case, quite frankly, the overall quality and health of the entire forum's community is more important than any one troublesome user will ever be, regardless of exactly how a problem is exhibiting itself, and if it comes down to us having to make a choice between you versus the greater health and happiness of the entire community, the community of this forum will win every time.

Lastly, there are also some posters, who are generally great contributors and do not otherwise cause any problems, who sometimes feel it's their place to provoke or to otherwise 'mess with' that small minority of people described in the last paragraph, and while we possibly might understand why you might feel you WANT to do something like that, the truth is we can't actually tolerate that kind of behavior from you any more than we can tolerate the behavior from them. So if we feel that you are trying to provoke those other posters into doing or saying something that will get themselves into trouble, then we will start to view you as a problem as well, because of the same reason as before: The overall health of the forum comes first, and trying to stir the pot with someone like that doesn't help, it just makes it worse. Some will simply disagree with this philosophy, but if so, then so be it because ultimately we have to do what we think is best so long as it's up to us.

If you see a problem that we haven't addressed, the best and most appropriate course for a forum member to take here is to look over to the left of the post in question. See underneath that poster's name, avatar, and other info, down where there's a little triangle with an exclamation point (!) in it? Click that. That allows you to report the post to the admins so we can definitely notice it and give it a look to see what we feel we should do about it. Beyond that, obviously it's human nature sometimes to want to speak up to the poster in question who has bothered you, but we would ask that you try to refrain from doing so because quite often what happens is two or more posters all start going back and forth about the original offending post, and suddenly the entire thread is off topic or otherwise derailed. So while the urge to police it yourself is understandable, it's best to just report it to us and let us handle it. Thank you!

All of the above is going to be subject to a case by case basis, but generally and broadly speaking, this should give everyone a pretty good idea of how things will typically / most often be handled.

Rule #2

If the actions of an administrator inspire you to make a comment, criticism, or express a concern about it, there is a wrong place and a couple of right places to do so.

The wrong place is to do so in the original thread in which the administrator took action. For example, if a post gets an infraction, or a post gets deleted, or a comment within a larger post gets clipped out, in a thread discussing Paul George, the wrong thing to do is to distract from the discussion of Paul George by adding your off topic thoughts on what the administrator did.

The right places to do so are:

A) Start a thread about the specific incident you want to talk about on the Feedback board. This way you are able to express yourself in an area that doesn't throw another thread off topic, and this way others can add their two cents as well if they wish, and additionally if there's something that needs to be said by the administrators, that is where they will respond to it.

B) Send a private message to the administrators, and they can respond to you that way.

If this is done the wrong way, those comments will be deleted, and if it's a repeating problem then it may also receive an infraction as well.

Rule #3

If a poster is bothering you, and an administrator has not or will not deal with that poster to the extent that you would prefer, you have a powerful tool at your disposal, one that has recently been upgraded and is now better than ever: The ability to ignore a user.

When you ignore a user, you will unfortunately still see some hints of their existence (nothing we can do about that), however, it does the following key things:

A) Any post they make will be completely invisible as you scroll through a thread.

B) The new addition to this feature: If someone QUOTES a user you are ignoring, you do not have to read who it was, or what that poster said, unless you go out of your way to click on a link to find out who it is and what they said.

To utilize this feature, from any page on Pacers Digest, scroll to the top of the page, look to the top right where it says 'Settings' and click that. From the settings page, look to the left side of the page where it says 'My Settings', and look down from there until you see 'Edit Ignore List' and click that. From here, it will say 'Add a Member to Your List...' Beneath that, click in the text box to the right of 'User Name', type in or copy & paste the username of the poster you are ignoring, and once their name is in the box, look over to the far right and click the 'Okay' button. All done!

Rule #4

Regarding infractions, currently they carry a value of one point each, and that point will expire in 31 days. If at any point a poster is carrying three points at the same time, that poster will be suspended until the oldest of the three points expires.

Rule #5

When you share or paste content or articles from another website, you must include the URL/link back to where you found it, who wrote it, and what website it's from. Said content will be removed if this doesn't happen.

An example:

If I copy and paste an article from the Indianapolis Star website, I would post something like this:

http://www.linktothearticlegoeshere.com/article
Title of the Article
Author's Name
Indianapolis Star

Rule #6

We cannot tolerate illegal videos on Pacers Digest. This means do not share any links to them, do not mention any websites that host them or link to them, do not describe how to find them in any way, and do not ask about them. Posts doing anything of the sort will be removed, the offenders will be contacted privately, and if the problem becomes habitual, you will be suspended, and if it still persists, you will probably be banned.

The legal means of watching or listening to NBA games are NBA League Pass Broadband (for US, or for International; both cost money) and NBA Audio League Pass (which is free). Look for them on NBA.com.

Rule #7

Provocative statements in a signature, or as an avatar, or as the 'tagline' beneath a poster's username (where it says 'Member' or 'Administrator' by default, if it is not altered) are an unwanted distraction that will more than likely be removed on sight. There can be shades of gray to this, but in general this could be something political or religious that is likely going to provoke or upset people, or otherwise something that is mean-spirited at the expense of a poster, a group of people, or a population.

It may or may not go without saying, but this goes for threads and posts as well, particularly when it's not made on the off-topic board (Market Square).

We do make exceptions if we feel the content is both innocuous and unlikely to cause social problems on the forum (such as wishing someone a Merry Christmas or a Happy Easter), and we also also make exceptions if such topics come up with regards to a sports figure (such as the Lance Stephenson situation bringing up discussions of domestic abuse and the law, or when Jason Collins came out as gay and how that lead to some discussion about gay rights).

However, once the discussion seems to be more/mostly about the political issues instead of the sports figure or his specific situation, the thread is usually closed.

Rule #8

We prefer self-restraint and/or modesty when making jokes or off topic comments in a sports discussion thread. They can be fun, but sometimes they derail or distract from a topic, and we don't want to see that happen. If we feel it is a problem, we will either delete or move those posts from the thread.

Rule #9

Generally speaking, we try to be a "PG-13" rated board, and we don't want to see sexual content or similarly suggestive content. Vulgarity is a more muddled issue, though again we prefer things to lean more towards "PG-13" than "R". If we feel things have gone too far, we will step in.

Rule #10

We like small signatures, not big signatures. The bigger the signature, the more likely it is an annoying or distracting signature.

Rule #11

Do not advertise anything without talking about it with the administrators first. This includes advertising with your signature, with your avatar, through private messaging, and/or by making a thread or post.
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Bill Simmons' Draft Diary (funny stuff)

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  • #1

    Bill Simmons' Draft Diary (funny stuff)

    Probably better to click on the link.

    http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2...simmons/060629

    Let's call this one Draft Diary X. Roman numerals work nicely for Wrestlemanias and Super Bowls, so screw it: Why can't it work for my 10th annual running diary of the NBA draft?

    I remember the first one back in '97 for my old Web site, when I was typing along happily at my dad's house as new Boston uber-coach Rick Pitino called Chauncey Billups and Ron Mercer his "backcourt for the next decade." We later found out that the Ricktator was measuring the decade in dog years. Fast-forward nine years to yesterday, when the Celts moved the No. 7 pick for Sebastian Telfair and his 350-person entourage, leading to my father screaming on the phone, "He's a 5-foot-11 point guard! You know what he's going to be with more playing time? A 5-foot-11 point guard!!!! I saw him in that documentary, by the way: Not only would I not want him on my team, I wouldn't want him in my house!"

    Needless to say, I don't think dad liked the trade. I'm on the fence. (Oh, who am I kidding, I hated the trade, I wanted Randy Foye.) But let's not let this negativity affect Draft Diary X. Without further ado ...

    7:30 p.m. ET -- We're coming to you live from the New-And-Improved Sports Guy Mansion! Our studio hosts from Madison Square Garden tonight: Dan Patrick, Jay Bilas, Greg Anthony and Stephen A. Smith (available tonight in Dolby Digital Surround sound). ESPN kicks off the show by playing a Who song from 30 years ago, once again proving my theory that you do NOT want to borrow an iPod from anyone who produces a sports telecast for a major network. Well, unless you're over 50 years old.

    The big question: Are we all OK with the first pick of the NBA draft being named "Andrea?" Just want to make sure. Speak now or forever hold your peace.

    7:33 -- Here comes David Stern! He's wearing a pink tie and looking especially gregarious as he plugs the WNBA All-Star Game at MSG on July 12. Hold on, lemme just make sure that's programmed into my TiVo. Just give me a second ...

    7:38 -- With the first pick, Toronto selects ... yep, Andrea Bargnani. Three minutes ago, Bilas called him a "solid prospect with a chance to be a solid player." Their fans must be delighted. Meanwhile, the MSG crowd quickly starts chanting "over-rated!" Stern might have to have them sprayed with one of those super-powerful fire hoses before the Knicks' first pick.

    7:38 -- Classic wide angle of everyone in Toronto's War Room applauding the pick. That didn't seem staged at all. No, really. That's followed by Bilas telling us, "He does not rebound, he does not post up, he is not physical. He needs to work on his body." You have to be fired up if you're a Raptors fan right now.

    7:41 -- Our first challenge: Stu Scott interviewing Bargnani without an interpreter working for either side. This is fun. Bargnani sounds exactly like Furio on "The Sopranos."


    7:42 -- Already, our first trade! Andy Katz (looking like Tony Bennett) reports that Chicago will pick LaMarcus Aldridge second, then trade his rights to Portland for the No. 4 pick, Victor Khryapa and future considerations. Meanwhile, Aldridge makes an incredulous Stern put on a Texas Longhorns hat for 2.3 seconds during their photo op, inadvertently messing up the commish's hair. That's it, Aldridge isn't getting one call from Bennett Salvatore or Dick Bavetta for the next 10 years.

    7:42 -- Bilas tells us that Aldridge has "great feet." I was just thinking that.

    (That reminds me, I think this could be the draft where Bilas creates the phrase "long length." Just a gut feeling.)

    7:44 -- Random note: I really enjoy the name "LaMarcus." It's like his mom was sitting there thinking, "I like the name Marcus, but it could use just a little more oomph." If the Sports Gal and I ever have a boy, I'm pushing for LaBill Simmons. That name can't miss. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm destined to only have daughters. I never should have written that "Grading the Wimbledon Babes" column for my old Web site in '99, that's what killed me. Karma is a *****. Wait, am I thinking out loud again?

    7:45 -- Hey, if you're one of the other teams in the lottery, wouldn't you be psyched that MJ had final say over the Charlotte pick? Here's a guy who just spent the last three years playing golf and gambling ... now he's supposed to have an opinion on the 2006 draft?

    "Yeah, I really like this Morrison kid. Oak and I saw a little of him one night when were playing poker and smoking Cubans at Tiger's house. He looked great!"

    7:49 -- Charlotte takes Adam Morrison. Love that pick. Come on, come on ... cry. Come on. Do it. Cry. CRY! CRY! (Damn. No crying.) Have to say, I'm a little stunned by this one. Never thought MJ would take someone that he could have dunked on relentlessly back in the day. By the way, we learned before the draft that Morrison's suit from tonight will be cut up and put in special edition Topps trading cards. What the hell is happening to this country?

    7:50 -- I'll give you a choice: Either I could run Stephen A.'s Morrison/diabetes rant in all caps, or we could just move on. You'd rather just move on? Done.

    (Hey, did you know that Morrison's favorite DVD is "Ultimate Fighting," his favorite book is "The Art of War," he listens to Metallica when he works out and he cried when Rage Against the Machine broke up. I just learned all of those things in the last 20 seconds. Sounds like he needs a girlfriend.)

    7:52 -- Fresh off ranting for 72 consecutive seconds in the pregame show, Dick Vitale (via remote) derisively calls all the big guys in this draft "soft" and adds, "Stephen A., I think you would agree with me, baby!!!" Maybe not the worst moment of my life, but it definitely cracked the top five.

    7:54 -- Portland takes Ty Thomas at No. 4 to complete the Chicago deal. Superb job by the Bulls. I love that pick for them, and not just because he's a "freakish athlete with a 7-foot-3 wingspan" (Bilas' words). You can go to war with Ty Thomas. Very logical draft so far -- everything's been low-key and conservative, even the suits and the family reactions. Where are the sobbing 300-pound moms this year? Did we forget to order them?

    8:00 -- Atlanta keeps its promise and drafts Shelden Williams fifth. Another solid pick, even if his nickname is "The Landlord" (sounds like a bad WWE gimmick).

    By the way, I wish the WNBA draft had promises, just so we could see a team break a promise and draft someone else, followed by the crying player awkwardly running up to the podium in high heels and screaming, "You promised! You promised me! I TRUSTED YOU!"

    8:03 -- Not only do Stu and Shelden look like long-lost brothers, but their interview just brought back memories of Sinatra's reaction to Luther Campbell in the "Sinatra Group" sketch on SNL. I think Shelden just revealed that he's J.J. Redick's designated driver tonight. Or maybe he said that he was excited to play in Atlanta. I couldn't tell.

    8:04 -- You know what scares me about the NBA draft every year? I always find myself agreeing with Dickie V -- for instance, he thinks the Landlord could have an immediate impact as well -- even though he's always screaming with a red background behind him. You figure it out. Which reminds me, my old intern Jamie e-mailed me just to ask, "Where the hell is Dick Vitale being interviewed from, the core of the earth?"

    8:06 -- You know the draft hasn't officially started until Greg Anthony wonders, "Hey, shouldn't the Hawks have been thinking about a point guard there?"

    8:10 -- And with the sixth pick, Minnesota somehow ends up with the best player in the draft: Brandon Roy. Funny how it always works out that way. With the new rules and his hesitation move alone, he's good for 16-18 points a game next season and 3-4 All-Star appearances down the road. Of course, Stephen A. thinks Minnesota just solved their point guard problems, even though Roy is a natural two-guard. Let's just move on.

    Another NBA mystery
    Allow me a quick tangent ...
    It's April 19, 2006, the final day of the season. The Celts have the sixth-worst record and plays host to Miami; Minnesota is at No. 7 and plays host to Memphis. The C's do the honorable thing, play hard at home and whup Miami's third-string with their kids. Going against Memphis' third string, Minnesota does the dishonorable thing and completely tanks the tail end of the game. I mean, COMPLETELY. To the point that Mark Madsen plays 30 minutes, goes 1 for 15 from the field, misses seven 3-pointers (yes, you read that correctly), conveniently "forgets" to guard Brian Cardinal on the game-tying 3 in the final 20 seconds of regulation, then misses three straight 3s to kick off the second OT (check out the play-by-play if you don't believe me). Mark Madsen basically shaved points in this game.

    I'm telling you. I have never seen a professional team throw a game this blatantly, in any sport, at any level. Even the 1919 Black Sox would have been mortified.

    So what was the end result? They moved into the No. 6 spot, Boston slid to No. 7.

    Look at the box score. Seriously, take a look. Before this game, Madsen shot nine 3s TOTAL during the first six years of his career. Did he get suspended after this tank job? No. Did anyone get suspended or fined? No. Does anyone remember this other than me and my dad? Apparently, no. And then the T-Wolves get rewarded with a better pick? What a joke. I don't know where the WWE ends and the NBA begins anymore. And yes, I've been waiting to rant about that for two months. So there you go.


    8:13 -- Genius idea by ESPN to stick a microphone on Rudy Gay when he's about to slide out of the top seven. Just a lot of mumbling and head shaking so far. That's followed by a debate about Gay's potential, with Greg Anthony arguing that Gay will be better than people think and Stephen A. countering with, "I haven't seen him play that much." Take THAT, Greg Anthony. Mess with the bull, you get the horns!

    8:16 -- Boston selects Randy Foye for Portland, although Stern has to go through the charade of pretending that Boston picked him and Foye has to wear a Celtics hat. Why can't they just say Portland picked him right now? What are we waiting for? Never understood that one. That leads to a three-minute session of everyone raving about Foye, capped off by my bitter father calling just to say, "This sucks, I really liked Randy Foye, as did everyone else sitting there. This sucks. My whole night's ruined. I might take tomorrow off from work. I'm really bummed out. I can't believe this."

    (See, sometimes it's nice to be 3,000 miles away from your parents.)

    8:18 -- Coming in late to the Foye Compliment Orgy, Dickie V. screams, "He's Dwyane Wade, baby!" and immediately disappears.

    8:20 -- Here's why you have to love the NBA draft: It's the only show where you could ever see a graphic like, "WOULD MOST LIKE TO MEET: HIS PARENTS."

    8:21 -- True or false: If Houston drafted Reggie Bush right here, everyone in Houston would be OK with it.

    (I say true.)

    8:22 -- The Rockets take Gay at No. 8, but apparently they're trading him to Memphis for Shane Battier, even though none of the ESPN guys feels obligated to ask the question, "Wait, Battier makes $8 million a year, how can this work under the cap?" Undaunted, Bilas gushes, "Incredibly athletic, he's 6-foot-9, he's got really long arms, a wingspan of about 7-foot-3, he plays bigger than he is, he's got every skill, every piece of ability you would want in a player." Well, except for competitiveness. But hey, who needs that?

    (Post-draft note: We found out two hours later that Stro Swift was included from Houston's end. Love that trade for the Rockets -- they desperately needed a reliable swingman who could play D and drain 3-pointers. Nicely done. The VP of Common Sense would have swiftly approved that deal.)

    8:29 -- The Warriors take Patrick O'Bryant, a mortal lock for the Reggie Cleveland All-Stars who has the most Irish-sounding name of any black athlete since Troy O'Leary. Not a bad pick. Let's cancel the scheduled Chris Mullin intervention for tomorrow.

    8:34 -- Stu's highlight of the night: Starting off his O'Bryant interview with the question: "Before the NCAA Tournament, nobody knew who you were. What's the best thing about your game, Bryant, that people don't know?"

    (Stu yeah! No, seriously, Stu yeah!!!! Plus, we just found out that O'Bryant wants to be a chef and cooks cheesecake for his teammates. See, this is why we should have had Ozzie Guillen sitting at the main table tonight, for moments like this.)

    8:35 -- Tony Bennett reports that Minnesota and Portland are swapping draft picks -- Roy to Portland, Foye to Minnesota. That's it? That's the trade? None of the ESPN guys seem remotely fazed. I knew Kevin McHale couldn't just pick the best guy in the draft without somehow screwing it up. I would have bet my Ndudi Ebi rookie cards on it.

    8:36 -- Our first wild-card pick of the draft! Saer Sene and his 7-foot-8 wingspan go to Seattle at No. 10, despite the fact that he learned to make a layup off the correct foot just 12 months ago. (True story.) On the bright side, he averaged three points a game in a Belgian professional league this season. He's the homeless man's Desagana Diop. We might need to disband the Sonics. Seriously. It's time. Enough is enough. Even the ESPN guys are killing this pick.

    (By the way, why isn't Stern miked for the draft? I'd love to know what he tells these guys. And why aren't some of these kids wearing Suit Cams? Wouldn't you love to see Sene's vantage point as he walks up to the stage and shakes hands with an old guy who's 18 inches shorter than him?)

    8:41 -- How does Orlando top last year's Fran Vasquez pick? Wait, I know ... by taking Redick and his bad back. And you're not gonna believe this, but Dick Vitale loves the pick. Even crazier, I'm agreeing with Dickie V again. He's right, Redick produced in college despite dealing with an inordinate amount of pressure for a college kid. Solid pick for the Magic. I think Dickie V has me brainwashed. He's like the Tom Cruise to my Katie Holmes.

    8:45 -- Stephen A. screaming ... Stephen A screaming ... Stephen A screaming ...

    8:47 -- Hilton Armstrong goes No. 12 to New Orleans. I'm almost positive that was the name of one of Steven Seagal's movie characters in the late-'80s. And if it wasn't, it should have been.

    (Note: We're officially in "killing time until the Knicks pick" mode. If the Knicks take Marcus Williams, that's it -- I'm retiring the draft diary. That will never be topped. By the way, did you know he's leading all NBA rookies in steals right now? Thank you. Thank you. I'll be here all week.)

    8:53 -- Uh-oh, Philly just took a Swiss guy who was born in South Africa (Thabo Sefolosha), then traded him to the Bulls for the No. 16 pick and parts unknown. Seriously, we might want to scrap the whole "draft picks wearing hats of the teams that picked them" thing and just give them a Kangol NBA cap or something. Enough is enough.

    8:56 -- Note to the ESPN guys: Next year, just tell us which guys in the draft AREN'T athletic. Much easier.)

    8:58 -- My friend Nick Aieta e-mails me just to say, "I can't wait until Bob Cousy tries to say the name 'Thabo Sefolosha' during a Celtics game next season." Agreed. Meanwhile, a harried Dan Patrick announces the details of the Telfair/Foye trades and says, "I feel like I'm landing jets here." Wild night so far.

    8:59 -- The unequivocal highlight of the draft: Patrick throws it to the podium for Utah's pick, only Stern hasn't emerged from his secret lair yet, followed by Patrick filling time with "Where'd he go?" jokes, then Stern emerging, taking a dramatic pause and saying, "Dan, I was sitting in the back listening to your pithy comments." He actually seems ticked. Dan quickly fires back with an awkward "I like Paul Tagliabue better" joke. I feel like they're orchestrating this just to liven up my diary. It's too good to be true.

    That's followed by one more nasty look from Stern, then Utah taking a mortified Ronnie Brewer (who has a "Wait, isn't that the city with no black people?" look on his face). Apparently, he can't shoot consistently from the outside because he broke his arm when he was a kid. But if that right arm could bend, he'd be right back in that thing. Meanwhile, his dad looks exactly like Sam Jackson in "A Time to Kill" and seems like a 50/50 bet to scream "Yes, the Jazz deserve to die AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!" My head is spinning. This is turning into the greatest draft ever. I'm not kidding.

    9:00 -- Dan Patrick is gunned down in cold blood by Bennett Salvatore.

    9:02 -- I have to be honest, I don't have a firm handle on Brewer's athleticism right now. Is it world-class? Nuclear? Off-the-charts? Rock-solid? Bilas is slipping. Meanwhile, we finally found out about the Roy-Foye trade -- they swapped picks and Minnesota picked up "cash considerations." Sounds a little nefarious.

    9:04 -- New Orleans takes my illegitimate brother, Cedric. Wingspan, athletic, raw, tools, blah blah blah. I'm getting woozy. And not to nitpick with the Worldwide Leader, but instead of learning tidbits in the info graphics, "Childhood pastimes: Built treehouses, hunted squirrels and rabbits," couldn't we find out stuff like "SUV, Hummer or sports car?" and "Number of unemployed buddies who will be moving in with him?" I find that stuff much more interesting. Maybe it's just me. All right, it's definitely me.

    9:10 -- Chicago takes Rodney Carney for Philly at 16. "Great athleticism," Patrick says quickly, followed by Bilas screaming, "Don't do my act, Dan! I will punch you in the face! Back off! Just back off! As God as my witness, I will punch you right in your smug little face!"

    9:15 -- This is awkward: They're discussing reasons why Marcus Williams slipped (character issues, out of shape, the laptop scandal), and, umm, he's sitting right there. And he can hear everything. Umm, guys? He's right there. Guys? Guys? Meanwhile, Indiana just reached for Shawne Williams at No. 17, followed by Stern ominously saying, "Shawne is not here." The wheels have come off the 2006 draft.

    9:31 -- After Washington takes a giddy Ukrainian dude who looks happy just to be on national TV (never a good sign), Patrick interviews Larry Legend (looking disgruntled, like he spent the whole night trying to unsuccessfully trade Stephen Jackson and Jamaal Tinsley) and the Kings jump on Rutgers gunner Quincy Douby (one of my sleepers in this draft), followed by DP joking, "He can really light it up." And that brings us to our featured attraction of the evening ...

    "THE KNICKS ARE ON THE CLOCK!"

    ESPN wisely works the MSG crowd into a hostile frenzy by showing the obligatory "KNICKS UNDER ISIAH THOMAS" graphic. Has there ever been rioting at an NBA draft before?

    9:34 -- Stephen A. on the No. 20 pick: "I'M A BORN AND RAISED NEW YORKER, OK? YOU HAVE GOT TO GET A DOG ON THIS ROSTER, I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU FIND HIM. I DON'T CARE, YOU GOT TO GET SOMEONE WHO WILL BE IN PEOPLE'S FACE, SOMEONE WHO'S HARDCORE. YOU LOOK AT ISIAH THOMAS AND HIS DRAFT HISTORY ... YOU KNOW THAT HE KNOWS TALENT ... THIS PICK HAS GOT TO WORK. IT'S GOT TO WORK!"

    (Translation: The Knicks need to pick someone good.)

    9:36 -- There are those moments in sports when you expect something great, and then it actually happens. And then there are those rare moments in sports when you expect something great, and something even greater happens. This was one of those moments: The Knicks on the clock, the crowd pushing for Marcus Williams, and then ...

    --Stern: "With the 20th pick, the New York Knicks select ... Renaldo Balkman."

    (Crowd explodes in horror.)

    --Stern (over the boos): "Renaldo is not here."

    --Patrick (without missing a beat): "And it's probably a good thing."

    (Shot of a beaten-down Spike Lee laughing hysterically.)

    The rioting will not stop here.
    9:36 -- That was fantastic. Everyone kept e-mailing me to write about Isiah and the Knicks last week ... what else was there to say? OF COURSE Isiah was meant to coach this team as his final job in the NBA before retiring to a life of greeting people at casinos and doing informercials. If somebody clogs your toilet, you ask him to clean up the mess. That's just the way life works. I'm telling you, we're going to remember the Isiah/Knicks Era the same way we remember things like Enron, the Hindenberg and the Bay of Pigs. It's reached that level. I don't know what else to say. Honestly. I have Knicks fans e-mailing me every day asking me if it's OK to root against their own team. What else can you say at this point?

    (Wait, I know ... Renaldo Balkman!)

    9:37 -- A stammering Bilas sets off three minutes of Isiah-bashing by saying, "This to me is a stunner, I'm stunned. This is a second-round player. Nobody else would have taken him in the first round," followed by Greg Anthony using the word "befuddling" and Stephen A. (maybe for the first time ever) admitting, "I'm almost speechless."

    I mean, when Stephen A. is almost speechless ...

    9:39 -- Who's going to be the first one to make the obligatory "Is it possible that Isiah thought he was taking Rolando Blackman?" joke. Screw it, I'll do it.

    9:40 -- Just when this draft couldn't get any crazier, my beloved Celtics just bought the 21st pick from Phoenix to take Rajon Rondo, the Kentucky guard who Chad Ford touted all summer because he mistakenly thought Rondo was foreign. Unfortunately, Rondo can't shoot. This is an understatement. As Bilas says, "Teams in the SEC didn't even guard him." Put it this way: The list of NBA teams that won an NBA title with a point guard who couldn't shoot looks like this:

    1. (empty)
    2. (empty)
    3. (empty)

    On the other hand, my Celtics moles told me that Rondo absolutely DESTROYED Foye and Williams in their workout a few weeks ago. So who knows?

    God, I'm a sap ...

    9:43 -- My dad's reaction: "So we have two new point guards, but one of them's 5-foot-11 and the other one can't shoot? And I'm supposed to be happy about this?" Tough to argue with that one. I'm not even going to bother telling him about Rondo's freakishly long fingers. Maybe tomorrow.

    9:45 -- Just trying to cheer myself up by thinking about all the Knicks fan/friends I'm e-mailing tomorrow with "Renaldo Balkman!" in the subject heading. That's gonna be fun.


    9:49 -- The Nets grab a relieved Marcus Williams at No. 22, followed by Stern shaking his hand with one of those "Let's hope this is the last time we cross paths, mister" looks on his face. That's followed by Bilas questioning Marcus' body fat by saying, "14 percent body fat is fine if you're hibernating." I'm thoroughly enjoying the Marcus Williams Era already.

    9:51 -- During the Williams interview, ESPN chickens out from running a "MUST IMPROVE: KLEPTOMANIA" graphic.

    10:00 -- Well, I got one wish granted: The latest "miked up" montage with Rudy Gay included his conversation on stage with Stern. Here's how it unfolded:

    --Stern (shaking hands): "Congratulations, OK."
    --Gay: "Thank you."
    --Stern: "That's very exciting."
    --Gay: (nods)
    --Stern (turning): "Look out there to the camera."

    And ... scene.

    All right, maybe it was better NOT to know.

    10:02 -- Bilas on Rondo vs. Kyle Lowry (Memphis' 24th pick): "If those two got into a fight, I'd pick Lowry." Don't worry, it was even more confusing when it happened in real time. Everyone's punchy. What a draft. I can't wait for the Knicks' 29th pick -- at the rate we're going, Isiah could draft Barbaro and we wouldn't be surprised.

    10:13 -- After the Cavs take Shannon Brown at No. 25 (intriguing), the Lakers grab Jordan Farmar (even more intriguing) and Phoenix sells its pick to Portland for cash (with the Blazers grabbing Sergio Rodriguez). I love Phoenix's performance tonight -- they should have just put those two first-rounders on eBay. Way to look out for your fans, guys. And what about Portland's wheeling and dealing? They're like a drunk college kid randomly putting together an NBA Live team at 4 a.m. What a bizarre night. I can't get over it. We may have to retire the draft diary with Draft Diary X. I'm not sure this can be topped.

    10:20 -- The Mavs take Maurice Ager at No. 28. He puts his head in his hands and starts sobbing hysterically as his entourage congratulates him. It's about time we had some emotion tonight, dammit. Ager walks up to the stage in a triple-breasted, oversized beige suit, goes to shake hands with Stern and immediately gets whistled for a foul on Dwyane Wade.

    10:27 -- Now it's time for Isiah Thomas' last-ever first-round pick! The crowd sounds angry, Spike Lee looks semi-catatonic, the ESPN hosts look terrified, Stern looks relieved that it's almost over.

    Ladies and gentleman, Isiah's last first-round pick he will ever make in the NBA ...

    (Drumroll please ...)

    Temple guard Mardy Collins! Wow, that was anticlimatic. The consensus from the ESPN guys seems to be "not bad." But you know what? That's the perfect place to end Draft Diary X. Mardy Collins isn't just the answer to a trivia question some day, he represents the end of an error, er, era. What a night.
    Tags: None
  • #2
    Re: Bill Simmons' Draft Diary (funny stuff)

    Good read, some funny stuff.
    There are two types of quarterbacks in the league: Those whom over time, the league figures out ... and those who figure out the league.

    Comment

    • #3
      Re: Bill Simmons' Draft Diary (funny stuff)

      10:20 -- The Mavs take Maurice Ager at No. 28. He puts his head in his hands and starts sobbing hysterically as his entourage congratulates him. It's about time we had some emotion tonight, dammit. Ager walks up to the stage in a triple-breasted, oversized beige suit, goes to shake hands with Stern and immediately gets whistled for a foul on Dwyane Wade.
      "Just look at the flowers ........ BANG" - Carol "The Walking Dead"

      Comment

      • #4
        Re: Bill Simmons' Draft Diary (funny stuff)

        8:20 -- Here's why you have to love the NBA draft: It's the only show where you could ever see a graphic like, "WOULD MOST LIKE TO MEET: HIS PARENTS."
        Eek.

        Comment

        • #5
          Re: Bill Simmons' Draft Diary (funny stuff)

          Originally posted by Bill Simmons
          8:20 -- Here's why you have to love the NBA draft: It's the only show where you could ever see a graphic like, "WOULD MOST LIKE TO MEET: HIS PARENTS."
          Not exactly Simmons classiest quote. Correct me if I am wrong, but didn't Foye's parents die when he was very young? I don't think they ran out on him. Either way very poor taste IMO.

          Otherwise it is a pretty good read.


          Comment

          • #6
            Re: Bill Simmons' Draft Diary (funny stuff)

            I like this one..

            Originally posted by The Sports Guy
            10:20 -- The Mavs take Maurice Ager at No. 28. He puts his head in his hands and starts sobbing hysterically as his entourage congratulates him. It's about time we had some emotion tonight, dammit. Ager walks up to the stage in a triple-breasted, oversized beige suit, goes to shake hands with Stern and immediately gets whistled for a foul on Dwyane Wade.

            Comment

            • #7
              Re: Bill Simmons' Draft Diary (funny stuff)

              Originally posted by Leisure Suit Larry
              His mom did but his dad just left him.


              I like this one..
              Actually, they said his dad died in a motorcycle crash when he was 3, and his mom, who birthed him when she was only 14, gave him up for adoption when he was 6. Said he grew up with his grandparents.

              Comment

              • #8
                Re: Bill Simmons' Draft Diary (funny stuff)

                My two favorite ones...
                8:35 -- Tony Bennett reports that Minnesota and Portland are swapping draft picks -- Roy to Portland, Foye to Minnesota. That's it? That's the trade? None of the ESPN guys seem remotely fazed. I knew Kevin McHale couldn't just pick the best guy in the draft without somehow screwing it up. I would have bet my Ndudi Ebi rookie cards on it.
                Cause its true and this one

                (Note: We're officially in "killing time until the Knicks pick" mode. If the Knicks take Marcus Williams, that's it -- I'm retiring the draft diary. That will never be topped. By the way, did you know he's leading all NBA rookies in steals right now? Thank you. Thank you. I'll be here all week.)
                Cause its hilarious


                Comment

                • #9
                  Re: Bill Simmons' Draft Diary (funny stuff)

                  Originally posted by Steve McQueen
                  Actually, they said his dad died in a motorcycle crash when he was 3, and his mom, who birthed him when she was only 14, gave him up for adoption when he was 6. Said he grew up with his grandparents.
                  ah, you're right. good call on that, i confused them.

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    Re: Bill Simmons' Draft Diary (funny stuff)

                    8:20 -- Here's why you have to love the NBA draft: It's the only show where you could ever see a graphic like, "WOULD MOST LIKE TO MEET: HIS PARENTS."

                    Eek.

                    Originally posted by btowncolt
                    Eek.
                    Wasn't that because his parents had died?

                    -Bball
                    Nuntius was right for a while. I was wrong for a while. But ultimately I was right and Frank Vogel has been let go.

                    ------

                    "A player who makes a team great is more valuable than a great player. Losing yourself in the group, for the good of the group, that’s teamwork."

                    -John Wooden

                    Comment

                    • #11
                      Re: Bill Simmons' Draft Diary (funny stuff)

                      That's followed by one more nasty look from Stern, then Utah taking a mortified Ronnie Brewer (who has a "Wait, isn't that the city with no black people?" look on his face).

                      Comment

                      • #12
                        Re: Bill Simmons' Draft Diary (funny stuff)

                        That graphic really was on the screen. Bill did not make that up - you just can't make up stuff that funny.
                        Why do the things that we treasure most, slip away in time
                        Till to the music we grow deaf, to God's beauty blind
                        Why do the things that connect us slowly pull us apart?
                        Till we fall away in our own darkness, a stranger to our own hearts
                        And life itself, rushing over me
                        Life itself, the wind in black elms,
                        Life itself in your heart and in your eyes, I can't make it without you

                        Comment

                        • #13
                          Re: Bill Simmons' Draft Diary (funny stuff)

                          Originally posted by Jay@Section204
                          That graphic really was on the screen. Bill did not make that up - you just can't make up stuff that funny.
                          If you are replying to me, what I was wondering was if the player that had the graphic that said he'd like to meet his parents wasn't also the same player whose parents had died?

                          It's not quite as funny and his answer (that led to the graphic) makes some sense if that is the case.

                          -Bball

                          Foye had a difficult childhood, losing his father to a motorcycle accident when he was three, and his mother who left him when he was six years old. To this day, he does not know why his mother left or whether she is even alive.
                          http://villanova.cstv.com/sports/m-b...102102aaa.html

                          -Bball
                          Nuntius was right for a while. I was wrong for a while. But ultimately I was right and Frank Vogel has been let go.

                          ------

                          "A player who makes a team great is more valuable than a great player. Losing yourself in the group, for the good of the group, that’s teamwork."

                          -John Wooden

                          Comment

                          • #14
                            Re: Bill Simmons' Draft Diary (funny stuff)

                            Sorry, I should've quoted Indy0731 for saying,

                            Not exactly Simmons classiest quote. Correct me if I am wrong, but didn't Foye's parents die when he was very young? I don't think they ran out on him. Either way very poor taste IMO.
                            It may have been in poor taste for ESPN to use that graphic (I was stunned myself when I read it), but its hard to blame Bill for that.
                            Why do the things that we treasure most, slip away in time
                            Till to the music we grow deaf, to God's beauty blind
                            Why do the things that connect us slowly pull us apart?
                            Till we fall away in our own darkness, a stranger to our own hearts
                            And life itself, rushing over me
                            Life itself, the wind in black elms,
                            Life itself in your heart and in your eyes, I can't make it without you

                            Comment

                            • #15
                              Re: Bill Simmons' Draft Diary (funny stuff)

                              Originally posted by Jay@Section204
                              Sorry, I should've quoted Indy0731 for saying,



                              It may have been in poor taste for ESPN to use that graphic (I was stunned myself when I read it), but its hard to blame Bill for that.
                              I wasn't blaming him for the specific quote, I was blaming him for making a joke out of it.


                              Comment

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