View Full Version : Pregame Wrapup: The Draft and You

06-27-2006, 08:13 PM
A little pre-draft humor. Includes a couple Pacer cameos. (warning: language)

The Draft and You (http://www.somethingawful.com/index.php?a=3890)

Some excerpts:

1.) The Toronto Raptors

When talking about the Raptors you have to keep in mind that they have not been part of the league for that long. Despite their short time in the NBA, however, they have built a long-standing, storied tradition: Drafting ugly forwards. Their last two draft picks have been among the ugliest men to grace professional sports (there’s some speculation that the NBA banned reflective flooring in stadiums so Chris Bosh wouldn’t see his own reflection and try to run away from it) and they're damn proud. If they keep with their legacy the higher-ups in Toronto could find themselves with a team that looks equally at ease on a team bus or the short bus.

2.) The Chicago Bulls

With their extra pick the Bulls are expected to up the ante and draft not one, but two hustle players. Given the recent explosion of Andres Noccioni, who is widely considered to be the league’s best foreign shooter since that Serbian bum someone drafted because he could “throw cards in a hat real good”, the Bulls know the real gravy lies in hustle, not talent. Sure, any old $16-million-a-year yokel can score 30 points and grab 15 boards a game, but for that same price they can have people who shoot lots of threes and dive into the crowd for loose rebounds! If a superstar has a bad stretch of games, fans question his talent. If a hustle player has a bad season, that’s totally different. Prissy superstars are only practicing and coming to work every single day for the paychecks, man. Hustle players play to play.

Look at the Pacers. Sure, Jermaine O’Neal is out there scoring in the post and blocking shots and ****, but Austin Croshere scored 25 points once. In a single game. And he’s white. Who cares if O’Neal does that every game? Croshere showed some ****ing hustle.

Take your prima donna superstar **** any day, man. I’ll stick with my boys on the bench, hopping up and waving towels every time someone on the floor hits a shot. You can’t coach enthusiasm, brosef.

5.) The Atlanta Hawks

Honestly, any club that features Al Harrington as a team centerpiece needs to be demoted to a kiddie-ball league for a couple of years. This would help in two ways. First, the Hawks could undoubtedly find a sixth-grader with more talent and less ego than Harrington. Second, the league would experience a relaxing sensation akin to taking a giant Sunday morning dump.

And while we’re on the subject of bad business moves and Al Harrington: When the Hawks traded Stephen Jackson for Harrington they made a deal that involved offloading Jackson and still came out on the losing end. Jackson is a tumor on the *** of the NBA. A big pulsating blob of stupid that will inevitably explode and coat a city block in a dark mire of idiocy and overconfidence. If I ran a team and I traded Stephen Jackson for a busted vending machine that only dispensed flat Mr. Pibb I’d consider myself ahead of the game. Jackson does not play basketball. Instead, he simply argues with referees the entire game, possibly about how well his headband matches his stylin’ mustache. But past all that I’d rather have Stephen Jackson – hell, a whole team of Stephen Jacksons – than I would Al Harrington.

Who will the Hawks draft? What will they do with him? The one correct answer is this: Nobody gives a ****. Why? Because short of a major relocation (possibly to the surface of the sun), the Hawks will never be a solid ball club. Good job, Al Harrington. You managed to ruin Atlanta’s reputation. If that doesn’t make you feel like **** I don’t know what will.

No Burger King

06-27-2006, 08:23 PM