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06-22-2006, 12:39 PM

D-Wade: The Transcendent Super-human
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By Nick Prevenas (nick.prevenas@gmail.com%20)
6/20/06 (File under 'P' for Parody)
<table align="right" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody><tr> <td> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="13"> </td> <td width="240">http://nbadraft.net/profiles/largepics/dwade03.jpg</td> </tr> <tr> <td> </td> </tr> <tr> <td align="center" height="19" width="13"> </td> <td width="240">Dwyane Wade </td> </tr> </tbody></table> Now that the Miami Heat have taken home the Larry O'Brien trophy in the most fair and even-handed Finals in league history, the NBA has decided to take an unprecedented step to remind future generations of the 2006 NBA Finals.
In a surprise move Tuesday night, Commissioner David Stern followed up the trophy presentation by declaring that Dwyane Wade will replace Jerry West in the NBA's official logo.
After a landmark performance in which Wade was miraculously able to conjure foul calls from thin air, the league simply had no choice but to make him the eternal silhouette of professional basketball.
"I couldn't be prouder," said league official Bennett Salvatore. "After I sent Wade to the line on that phantom foul on Nowitzki at the end of Game 5, I knew this kid was special. I'm just glad that I'm a part of NBA history."
In the last two games against the Dallas Mavericks, Wade attempted a staggering 45 free throws, prompting a perturbed Michael Jordan to exclaim, "I NEVER got that call!!," over a dozen times from his luxury hotel room in Charlotte.
"Team basketball is cute, but we know fans love the superstar system," Stern said. "If the NBA wasn't predictable and stagnant, we wouldn't be able to market individual players. Granted, this system perpetuates selfishness, but it sure helps sell sneakers."
Wade will fly to New York on Thursday, where famed fashion photographer David LaChapelle will use Wade to create a lively, exciting logo.
"I plan to shoot him in black and white in order to highlight his super fabulous excellence," LaChapelle said.
Immediately after the final buzzer sounded, Dirk Nowitzki led his teammates into the locker room, where he handed out copies of the Complete Works of Friedrich Nietzsche and led the group in a lively discussion of the absence of good in this world.
"I just don't know what to do," said a despondent Mark Cuban. "Perhaps I shouldn't have been such a jerk, but I'm totally right. I know I'm right."
At the end of this tirade, Cuban broke into an ill-advised Jacobim Mugatu (Will Ferrell's character from Zoolander) impression, exclaiming, "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!" Stern overheard this outburst and fined Cuban a billion gagillion dollars.
"What can I say, he's a transcendent super human," said referee Steve Javie. "I was blinded by his magnificence, which is why I called that ridiculous foul on Dirk when Wade hit him with a forearm shiver with 40 seconds left in Game 6. I'm only human."
As Wade defiantly walked off the court while Stu Jackson and Russ Granik threw rose pedals at his feet, mild-mannered back-up center Michael Doleac threw an arm around Wade (who now radiates a healthy heavenly glow) and shouted, "Rings for me: one. Rings for Charles Barkley: zero. I rule."
(In all seriousness, it's almost tragic that the shoddy officiating will overshadow Wade's truly amazing Finals performance. I want to extend my deepest apologies to Mavericks fans. No fan-base deserves to go though what they did these past four games. I've been a proponent of the "refs don't beat you, quit your whining" perspective, but this was like enduring the Don Denkinger Game from the 1985 World Series, only four times in a row. Unless you're a Miami Heat fan or one of Dwyane Wade's relatives, this is a bad day to be an NBA fan.)
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06-22-2006, 12:42 PM

Some funny stuff.

Roy Munson
06-22-2006, 12:47 PM
Some funny stuff.

It was funny when it was posted yesterday, too.

06-22-2006, 02:34 PM