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SoupIsGood
12-13-2005, 05:44 PM
kinda funny...

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As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
survival guide for taking a dump at the office.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so
the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell
has left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend
it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties
feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your
bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as
well as the other bathroom attendees

OPPORTUNIST. A pooper who, because circumstances DEMAND it, must poop with others in the restroom. This person will hold it as long as possible until he hears someone else flush or start running water. Then, just as long as the background noise continues, he will release the Havana-Omelet or Watermelon. A well-timed pre-emptive Courtesy Flush can also accomplish the same effect.

317Kim
12-13-2005, 05:48 PM
:rotflmao: :lol: :dance2: :lmao:

Thats great!!!

heywoode
12-14-2005, 10:40 AM
Man, is that a classic or what?! I haven't seen it in years, and it was good to revisit...Definitely got many giggles and passed it around the offive via email...

Thanks SIG!

:laugh:

JayRedd
06-21-2007, 12:08 PM
bump

LoneGranger33
06-21-2007, 12:38 PM
Damn. I think he covered all the bases. Although, I'll still hold it in.

bellisimo
06-21-2007, 12:57 PM
I don't eat lunch just to avoid these scenarios....

SoupIsGood
06-21-2007, 03:52 PM
LOL. How in the world did this get bumped?

ajbry
06-21-2007, 04:01 PM
The Havana Omelet sounds delicious.

JayRedd
06-21-2007, 05:59 PM
LOL. How in the world did this get bumped?

It was linked to in the Bathroom Etiquette thread below. Figured the world was ready for it again.

bellisimo
06-21-2007, 06:01 PM
It was linked to in the Bathroom Etiquette thread below. Figured the world was ready for it again.

the world could never be ready for something with this magnitude! :-o

JayRedd
06-21-2007, 06:11 PM
the world could never be ready for something with this magnitude! :-o

I'm confused...Are you talking about the article or the Havana omelet you're currently cooking up?

bellisimo
06-21-2007, 06:59 PM
I'm confused...Are you talking about the article or the Havana omelet you're currently cooking up?
both :blush:




:bs: :D