View Full Version : Chuck Norris

12-04-2005, 05:41 PM
Hilarious. It's one of those chain emails, but it's awesome. Long live Chuck Norris!


Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

Chuck Norris is actually Jeeves from AskJeeves.com.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't ***** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order aretrademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living ***** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a *****ing Indian.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper, Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the ***** out of little kids.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

12-05-2005, 06:24 PM
That was the funniest thing I have ever read. I'm not even joking. Post of the year.

12-05-2005, 10:02 PM
My sides hurt from laughing so hard, that was a good one!!

The Toxic Avenger
12-06-2005, 02:20 AM
Good Gord thats FUNNY. I'm dying here!

12-06-2005, 08:57 PM
I can't even pick a favorite! LMAO!!

12-06-2005, 09:15 PM
This one was the first one I saw when I opened this thread "Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom."

Wow. :lmao:

12-06-2005, 09:53 PM
A friend just showed me this the other day. I couldn't stop laughing at this one:

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.


12-06-2005, 11:59 PM

random Chuck Norris facts. Lots of them.

12-07-2005, 12:01 AM
In 1994, a film was made in Japan entitled Godzilla vs. Chuck Norris. It depitced a fight between the two, in which Chuck Norris made Godzilla tap out like a *****. The producers, not wanting their most marketable character to be owned in this fashion, did not release the film. After roundhouse kicking their heads off, Chuck Norris used their ribs to comb his beard.

12-07-2005, 12:28 AM
For some reason when I changed the name from Chuck Norris to Dale Davis it all made sense to me.:-o

12-08-2005, 09:13 PM
Chuck Norris raised his IQ by eating gifted children.

Stay away!

12-08-2005, 09:14 PM
Congress is in the process of passing a bill to clone Chuck Norris for military purposes. They want his genes, particularly because Chuck Norris' eyes offer nightvision and 3x zoom capabilities.

The letters in Chuck Norris' name can be rearranged to spell doom in twelve different languages, including Esperanto, but not French.