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Hicks
06-21-2005, 12:41 AM
I'll kick things off.

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

:laugh:

SoupIsGood
06-21-2005, 12:44 AM
What's the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?




Everyone can roast Beef.



Sorry, that was lame.

DrBadd01
06-21-2005, 01:31 AM
a childs soul was actioned off today. the winner was a catholic priest. When asked about what he would do with his winnings he had two words: No Comment. He plans to play for his winnings with the money he won from a action. The winning numbers. . . . 6,6,6,9

Kraft
06-21-2005, 01:42 AM
I'm going to butcher this. You've been warned.

--------

Three penguins walk into a bar.

The bartender asks the first penguin his name. Penguin says "George." Bartender asks George what he's been doing today. George says, "ah, not much, just riding my bicycle."

The bartender asks the second penguin his name. Penguin says "Larry." Bartender asks Larry what he's been doing today. Larry says, "ah, not much, just riding my bicycle."

The bartender asks the third penguin his name. Penguin says "Bicycle."

--------

Here's the problem. When I heard this, I was half-lit. It was told by a guy completely drunk. And he told it much, much better.

Hicks
06-21-2005, 01:43 AM
*attempts to resuscitate thread*

Charging..... CLEAR! *shock*

;)

Gyron
06-21-2005, 08:40 AM
A man moves from the city to the country, tired of the rat race and wanting to get back to a simple life.

He goes out into his yard shortly after he moves in to rakes the leaves freshly fallen from the trees. As he is raking he sees his nearest neighbor walking over from the farm house in the distance.

When the neighbor reaches him, the neighbor says "Howdy!"
The man replys "Hello".

The neighbor says "I'm having a party tonight and wanted to invite you."
The man says "Why thank you!"

The neighbor says "You like to drink?"
The guy says, "Well I've been known to knock one or two back"

The neighbor says, "You like to dance?"
The guy laughs and says, "Well I've cut a rug or two in my time."

The neighbor says "You like to fight?"
The guy shocked says "Well, I guess I can hold my own"

Then the neighbor finally asks, "You like to have sex?"
The guy laughs again and responds, "Never been one to turn it down"

Then the nieghbor turns and says "See you tonight!"

The guy says " Hey wait! What should I wear?"

The neighbor responds, "Don't matter, Just gonna be you and me!":laugh:



Ok, You have to tell it with the neihgbor with a hick accent, but when told right, I've always found it hilarious!:D

Knucklehead Warrior
06-21-2005, 10:35 AM
A traveling salesman is out on a country road when he sees a pig with a wooden leg. Thinking this is unusual, he goes to investigate and knocks on the farmhouse door.

Salesman: Hey what's the deal with the pig with the wooden leg?

Farmer: Well, last summer the farmhouse caught on fire and that pig jumped into the house through a window and saved my little girl. Then a couple months ago, I had an accident on the tractor. That pig ran to the house and dialed 911, saved my life.

Salesman: Well, that's all very commendable behavior, but it doesn't explain why he has a wooden leg.

Farmer: Sure it does. Ya see, when you have an animal that extraordinary, you don't want to eat him all at once.

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

dannyboy
06-21-2005, 11:10 AM
A young polar bear walks up to his dad one day and asks, “Dad, am I a pure polar bear—you know, not part black bear, brown bear, or grizzly bear?”

“Why no, son. You come from a long line of proud and strong polar bears. Why do you ask?”

“Because I’m ****in’ cold.”

Diamond Dave
06-21-2005, 11:30 AM
3 Crappy Quick Ones:

A string walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says "I'm sorry, you'll have to leave, we don't serve your kind here." The string walks outside, ties himself into a knot and frays his edges, and then walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him and says "Hey, aren't you that string I just kicked out of here?" The string says "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"

A man walks into a doctor's office with a frog on his head. The doctor says "What seems to be the problem?" The frog says "I'm not sure, it started out as bump on my ***."




Horrible, Horrible jokes

BluBlood
06-21-2005, 11:34 AM
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”

Har De Har Har

pollardfreek
06-21-2005, 12:11 PM
What's the difference between a trampoline and a baby?

You take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline.

Vicious Tyrant
06-22-2005, 10:39 AM
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody"

Vicious Tyrant
06-22-2005, 10:44 AM
OK, forgive me, but one more. long but worth the time. I read this on another board and they were trying to make some point about women being equal to men or something. I didn't get the point, but the story had me peeing my pants:




A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These
highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and
background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and
testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but
only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely
secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I
could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely
not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must
know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they
explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in
the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.

The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I
just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right
man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes.
Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test.

Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same
gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the
circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband
sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all
the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13
shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for
several minutes, then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from
her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I
had to beat him to death with the chair!"

pollardfreek
06-22-2005, 02:41 PM
Could you imagine how awkward it would've have been if you tried to shoot your wife but it was just blanks? Anyways, I've got another joke:

What's the difference between a dead baby and a peanut butter cup?

The dead baby doesn't stick to the roof of your mouth.

Gyron
06-22-2005, 04:15 PM
Pollard freak, Im a little worried about you and those dead baby "jokes".....

ChicagoJ
06-22-2005, 06:17 PM
A man moves from the city to the country, tired of the rat race and wanting to get back to a simple life.

He goes out into his yard shortly after he moves in to rakes the leaves freshly fallen from the trees. As he is raking he sees his nearest neighbor walking over from the farm house in the distance.

When the neighbor reaches him, the neighbor says "Howdy!"
The man replys "Hello".

The neighbor says "I'm having a party tonight and wanted to invite you."
The man says "Why thank you!"

The neighbor says "You like to drink?"
The guy says, "Well I've been known to knock one or two back"

The neighbor says, "You like to dance?"
The guy laughs and says, "Well I've cut a rug or two in my time."

The neighbor says "You like to fight?"
The guy shocked says "Well, I guess I can hold my own"

Then the neighbor finally asks, "You like to have sex?"
The guy laughs again and responds, "Never been one to turn it down"

Then the nieghbor turns and says "See you tonight!"

The guy says " Hey wait! What should I wear?"

The neighbor responds, "Don't matter, Just gonna be you and me!":laugh:



Ok, You have to tell it with the neihgbor with a hick accent, but when told right, I've always found it hilarious!:D


I just listened to "Tom Whiskey" tell that story from one of my old Bob and Tom CDs. Classic.

SoupIsGood
06-22-2005, 07:34 PM
Someone's experience at Wal-Mart.



I know a dept. mgr. that recieved a call on the walkie that a woman was on the phone who wanted a price on thumbtacks so she picked up the phone and asked the lady if she needed the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you have to hammer in. To which the lady replied "I don't think it's any of your business" so the dept. mgr. said it makes a difference in the price the woman could'nt believe her and was confused the mgr. said that the heavier thumbtacks are more expensive and the customer blew up on her saying "I said TAMPAX not thumbtacks you idiot"

Hicks
06-22-2005, 07:44 PM
Admit it, that was you. Was the manager mad? :D

SoupIsGood
06-22-2005, 11:54 PM
Admit it, that was you. Was the manager mad? :D

:D

Actually I stole it from SR. I hope SamBear doesn't mind. :-p

SoupIsGood
06-23-2005, 12:25 AM
Add "in bed" to the end of any fortune cookie saying and you get a sometimes funny joke. :D

Hicks
06-23-2005, 12:27 AM
Add "in bed" to the end of any fortune cookie saying and you get a sometimes funny joke. :D

Let's hear some.

SoupIsGood
06-23-2005, 12:34 AM
Let's hear some.

Okay.

"If your desires are not extravagant, they will be granted.”

“If a true sense of value is to be yours it must come through service."

"Your success in life must be earned with earnest efforts.”


“ "A liar is not believed even though he tell the truth.”

“Sometimes you must spark a crisis to get results.”


“Sometimes you have to sound it out to grasp the full meaning.”

When I'm looking to impress someone, I try not to go eating Chinese. I've been known to burst out laughing, resulting in some weird looks my way.

pollardfreek
06-23-2005, 12:01 PM
Pollard freak, Im a little worried about you and those dead baby "jokes".....

Alright, maybe you'll like this one a little better. It's pretty much the corniest joke ever:

A Sodium atom walks into a bar and sees a chlorine atom drunk off his ***, but he just shrugs it off and takes a seat at the bar. Later on in the night, after he had put a couple down himself, the sodium atom notices the chlorine atom has been giving him dirty looks all night, so the sodium atom puts down his beer, walks over to the chlorine atom and gets in his face. "You want to go pu**y?" the sodium atom asks. So, the chlorine atom looks away from the sodium atom for a second, then turns around and punches the sodium atom right in the nucleus. They beat the crap out of each other until the police show up and break it up. The cops are still outside talking to witnesses and writing reports a few hours later when a couple of oxygen atoms come walking by. Curious, one of the atoms asks a cop what happened. The cop just looked up and said,


"Nothing really. Just a regular old case of assault."

Gyron
06-23-2005, 12:14 PM
lol, now that one I got a giggle out of....:D

Suaveness
06-23-2005, 12:38 PM
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits, and orders something to eat from the menu. After he finishes, he takes out a gun and nearly shoots the waiter. The waiter asks why in the world he did that, and the panda tells him to look him in the dictionary. The panda then leaves.

The waiter goes to find a dictionary, and looks up panda. He sees Panda, mammal, eats shoots and leaves

SoupIsGood
06-27-2005, 12:21 AM
http://www.picaroni.com/onehitwondersb14wp.jpg

SamBear
10-18-2005, 05:28 PM
:D

Actually I stole it from SR. I hope SamBear doesn't mind. :-p

Nope... as long as you didn't mind my pony picture.... :devil:

The Toxic Avenger
10-18-2005, 06:40 PM
Three turtles are making their way down an old road and they come across a trash bag. They rip it open and among its contents is a huge Pb&J Sandwich. They are all practically drooling at the idea of eating when the one of them says "Hey, Were gonna need something to drink."

After some debate and a little argueing the smallest one agrees to go back down the road a few miles to grab some drinks BUT only IF they wait until he gets back to eat.

An entire day passes and he is nowhere in sight... two days and still nothing...

The two turtles are starving but a promise is a promise so they wait...

Three days... Nothing...

A promise is a promise

A week passes and the turtles are starving!!!!

They decide that something must've happened to their friend and that they are going to need their strength to save him... So they really NEED to eat it now... so they unrap it and get ready to chow when the smallest turtle appears from behind a bush- "I KNEW you guys would'nt wait on me... Just for that I'M not going."

________________________

It was funny when I heard it... Not so much when written

pacercoltfan
10-18-2005, 11:21 PM
What's the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?




Everyone can roast Beef.



Sorry, that was lame.

I got one that's worse.

Why did the boy put his father in the refridgerator?

He wanted a cold pop! :laugh:

Why does the refridgerator have band-aids all over it?

Because it has cold cuts! :laugh:

Lame I know.:rolleyes:

twscholl
10-19-2005, 01:07 AM
A guy walks down the street next to a mental hospital with a large wooden fence around it.. Behind the fence, he can faitly hear people whispering "thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen..." Curious to know what is going on, he looks for a way to see in. After a diligent search he finally finds a knothole in one of the boards. As he carefully puts his eye up to the knothole, a large finger comes out and pokes him hard in the eye. He hears a shout, then the chant "fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

Gyron
10-19-2005, 08:42 AM
A blond riding the commuter train one night is reading the front page of a newspaper and see's a headline that reads "2 Brazilian Soldiers killed in attack". She comments " oh that's awful!" Then she turns to the gentleman next to her and asks "How many is a brazilian?"

DisplacedKnick
10-19-2005, 05:01 PM
Love joke threads. Especially featuring my friend, Little Johnny - this one's better when verbal but I'll bold where you place emphasis (can't help with the hand gestures).

Little Johnny and his family are very traditional. Every Sunday when they get home from Church, Little Johnny's mother likes to prepare a very nice, formal dinner for the family. However Little Johnny, being a young, rambunctious fellow, always gets in the way, running around, not letting Mom concentrate on preparing and setting a wonderful meal.

So Little Johnny's father always takes him for a walk along the trails in the forest that borders their back yard.

One spring Sunday, Little Johnny and his father are out, walking along the forest path. It's a beautiful day. The sun is shining, birds are singing, the flowers have just started to bloom and give off a wonderful aroma. As they're walking, Little Johnny notices a butterfly. The butterfly is flying around, seeming to focus in front of Johnny's face. As Johnny's father smiles lovingly at his son, Little Johnny watches, seemingly entranced. He slowly brings his hands up as if to gently embrace the butterfly and is just about to capture it when SLAP! he claps his hands together and kills the butterfly, deader than hell.

Johnny's father looks down at his son disapprovingly. "Now Johnny, that was a case of cruel and senseless violence. And so you remember this, you won't get any butter for a whole year."

Little Johnny and his father continue walking down the forest path. Suddnly a fruit fly begins to dart in front of Johnny's face. Once again Johnny brings his hands up slowly and SLAP! he claps his hand together and kills the fruit fly, deader than hell.

Once again' Johnny's father disciplines his son. Firmly but gently he says, "Now Johnny, that was another case of cruel and senseless violence. Just for that, you won't get any fruit for a whole year."

Johnny and his father continue walking down the forest path. Soon a honey bee flies in front of Johnny's face. Once again, Johnny's hands rise slowly until suddenly SLAP! he kills the honey bee, deader than hell.

Johnny's father looks at him and again says, "Now Johnny, that was another case of cruel and senseless violence. Just for that, you don't get any honey for a whole year."

Well, later that day Johnny, his mother and his father sit down to Sunday dinner. As usual, it's a wonderful sight. The food smells wonderful, the presentation is immaculate with sparkling crystal, shining dinner plates, a gorgeous centerpiece all on a pristine, alabaster table cloth.

Johnny's mother looks up and sees a cockroach crawling across the dining room table. She reaches out and SLAP! she kills the cockroach, deader than hell.

Johnny looks across the table at his father, smiles and says, "OK Dad, should you tell her, or should I?"

edit: Sorry - it wouldn't let me bold the first syllable in cockroach.

317Kim
10-19-2005, 06:38 PM
anyone remember the Buttitches joke??

SoupIsGood
10-19-2005, 06:53 PM
Alright, so there's two muffins in an oven.


They're both sitting there, slowly baking.


And one muffin says to the other "God Damn, it's hot in here!"





And the other muffin replies "HOLY CRAP, a talking muffin!"

SoupIsGood
10-19-2005, 06:54 PM
anyone remember the Buttitches joke??



Hehehehh

317Kim
10-19-2005, 08:59 PM
do you!?!?

beaversnducks311
10-19-2005, 09:02 PM
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach.":D

317Kim
10-19-2005, 09:05 PM
:lol2: WOW!

SoupIsGood
10-19-2005, 10:20 PM
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one, Kanye West has a short one, and Madonna doesn't have one...



What is it?








A last name. :D

pacercoltfan
10-19-2005, 10:22 PM
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one, Kanye West has a short one, and Madonna doesn't have one...



What is it?








A last name. :D

:laugh: :rotflmao: :lolchair: :lol2:

SoupIsGood
10-19-2005, 11:00 PM
A little story...





LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME. AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL
REMEMBER.

MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT. AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!"

WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY. ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?" SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHTBACK."

"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

AND I JUST SAT THERE...



ON THE COUCH...



NAKED.

317Kim
10-20-2005, 06:51 AM
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one, Kanye West has a short one, and Madonna doesn't have one...



What is it?








A last name. :D

:laugh: :lol: :lol2: :lmao: :rotflmao:

Wow dont know why I laughed soo hard but i did.

317Kim
10-20-2005, 06:53 AM
A little story...





LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME. AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL
REMEMBER.

MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT. AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!"

WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY. ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?" SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHTBACK."

"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

AND I JUST SAT THERE...



ON THE COUCH...



NAKED.


:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :lol2: :lol: Wow! Did that really happen to someone? thats pretty funny! :laugh:

Wife's expression : :mygod: :censored:

Kids' expression: :puke: :lol2: :puke:

Evan_The_Dude
10-20-2005, 08:03 AM
Q: How come a redneck homicide is never solved?

A: Because the DNA is all the same and there's no dental records.

Evan_The_Dude
10-20-2005, 08:17 AM
A little story...





LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME. AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL
REMEMBER.

MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT. AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!"

WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY. ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?" SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHTBACK."

"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

AND I JUST SAT THERE...



ON THE COUCH...



NAKED.

Man.... wow :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

The wife would never let you forget that one either.

thought_criminal
10-20-2005, 10:33 AM
Why did the girl fall off the swing?


She didn't have any arms.

Pig Nash
10-20-2005, 10:39 AM
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one, Kanye West has a short one, and Prince doesn't have one...



What is it?








A last name. :D


There, I fixed it.

SoupIsGood
10-29-2005, 10:30 PM
Why did Ron Artest leave the game early?





Because he wanted to beat the crowd.




(Sorry)

317Kim
10-29-2005, 10:34 PM
Why did Ron Artest leave the game early?





Because he wanted to beat the crowd.




(Sorry)
it was wrong but HILARIOUS! :rotflmao:

SoupIsGood
10-29-2005, 10:38 PM
Some quotes :p


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.


That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.


" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

317Kim
10-29-2005, 10:44 PM
Wow! where do you get this stuff from!? those are great especially the first one.
others:
I'm not gay, I just like guys.
I'm a great chef, as long as it's not food I'm cooking.
:lmao:

SoupIsGood
10-29-2005, 10:50 PM
I googled for the quotes....

SoupIsGood
10-29-2005, 11:00 PM
I googled for the quotes....

Aand I finally found what I was initially googling for:


Funny (actual) Newspaper Headlines!

-------

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one


Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers


William Kelly was fed secretary

Milk drinkers are turning to powder

Farmer bill dies in house

Iraqi head seeks arms

Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?

Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over

Soviet virgin lands short of goal again

Squad helps dog bite victim


Enraged cow injures farmer with ax

Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

Never withhold herpes from loved one

Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say


:D

317Kim
10-29-2005, 11:11 PM
:lmao: some one brought out Dr Obvious on the last one!

Gyron
10-31-2005, 02:51 PM
What do you say to bee's to scare them?

BOO BEE'S!

(say it out loud and fast, its a groaner....)

Frank Slade
10-31-2005, 03:11 PM
TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING


IS BETTER THAN *: "LOVE-MAKING:




10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.




9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.



8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.lllllllllllllllllllll




7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.




6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizeslllllllllllllllllllll
you're someone else,because you are.lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll




5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.llllllllllllllllllllllllllll




4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.




3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.



2) Less guilt the morning after.llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll llllllllllllllllll



AND THE



No. 1 reason why trick or treating is better than "LOVE-MAKING

YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

317Kim
11-01-2005, 06:11 AM
I feel disgusted now! I trick or treated the whole Avon area....:-p

Frank Slade
11-01-2005, 07:12 PM
I feel disgusted now! I trick or treated the whole Avon area....:-p

That was you ? :confused: ...

What did you go as ?

317Kim
11-01-2005, 07:14 PM
I was wearin a blue shirt and had Pacer wristbands and Pacer jacket on with my two little brothers.

Didnt go as anything. Just took my brothers out for some fun.

SoupIsGood
11-01-2005, 07:28 PM
Hah you did? I wonder if my family gave out any good candy :p

317Kim
11-01-2005, 07:32 PM
I hope it wasnt the house that gave out Nutri Grain bars. :tongue: They had 6 bars. but there was some good stuff. Even amt of chocolate and other sweets..

SoupIsGood
11-01-2005, 07:35 PM
It would have been the house with a tiny kiddy black basketball goal set out on the sidewalk in front.... they used to have a big ugly bulldog.

317Kim
11-01-2005, 07:37 PM
about 75% of the houses we went to had those...(so when they got candy, I could shoot around) so I dont think I remember...do they live in Cedar Mills? That was the main place I went to.

SoupIsGood
11-01-2005, 07:45 PM
about 75% of the houses we went to had those...(so when they got candy, I could shoot around) so I dont think I remember...do they live in Cedar Mills? That was the main place I went to.

I figured a lot would have those...


Hmm I think they might. I seem to remember seeing cedar mills on a big old brown thing on a corner as you turn to go to their house.... maybe not though.

317Kim
11-01-2005, 07:52 PM
Yeah thats what it looks like. Brown and has Cedar Mills, right across the cornfield from Avon High School.

SoupIsGood
11-01-2005, 07:58 PM
Yeah thats what it looks like. Brown and has Cedar Mills, right across the cornfield from Avon High School.

Yup. You prolly visited their place.

317Kim
11-01-2005, 08:04 PM
hahah cool....